toyl-92297 Reviews

Count Arthur Strong (2013–2017)

Just Wonderful

[10/10 · 28 April 2024]

The character of Count Arthur manifested by Steve Delaney stands shoulder to shoulder with the very best comic creations of the last 50 or 60 years. The TV show is pretty much a tour de force of a character that we all know to a greater or lesser degree. He is the blundering uncle or grandfather we recall from a distant childhood. He is the near neighbour that we would secretly laugh at, but also the guy that the people in the street would quietly take to their hearts and protect against any and all threats.

He is a little bit of Captain Mainwaring and Corporal Jones. He has a little of Mr Pastry's DNA mixed in with a little slice of Ronnie Barker. In truth, he is an amalgam of tens of comedy characters that have gone before as well as decent dollop of real world dafties that we all know. It's just an injustice that we have all been denied a fourth TV series (up to now).

It really is a wondrous creation, and one that I hope is going to be around for many years to come.

The Curse of Oak Island (2014– )

Too much Filler, too little thriller

[5/10 · 15 February 2024]

So much repetition. I have stuck with the show from the start, but here we are in 2024 with the narrator churning out the same lines as he did back in 2015 (I would presume it's all on a loop tape). Each episode is spun out to an intolerable degree. Here in the U. K., it's spun out to an hour, but if you record it and play it back judiciously, it's easy to get each episode down to 15 minutes or less.

The "amazing finds" in 9 years are pretty sparse tbh. Sure, this is part treasure hunt, part archaeology, and these things take time, but it just goes on and on and on.....and on and on.

I have great respect for the brothers who originated the search, but the biggest mystery for me is why Laird Niven wears a Newcastle United skip cap. I can understand why Gary Drayton's accent and mannerisms irritate people so much. His endless babble of "today's the day" and "top pocket finds" wears thin very quickly.

I would feel like a real traitor to walk away now, but I am getting to the point where watching the latest episode is more of a chore than a pleasure.

One way or the other, they really do need to wind this show up by 2025. I can't see me sticking around beyond that time frame.

I know I know, one more person must die.... I would rather they found nothing rather than someone die. No need to worry though......the show is dying all of its own accord.

Dancing on Ice (I) (2006– )

Please please please stop

[1/10 · 14 February 2024]

This show died ( deservedly so). Why it was brought back is beyond me. Bubble gum for the brain. Inane in the extreme, but since the demise of PS, it has now (hopefully) once again started to circle the plug hole of doom.

Clearly ITV look at successful BBC shows, and then after a bit of think, tend to always come up with a variant that is much much worse than the BBC original, but has a much needed twist to dumb it down for a less demanding audience.

Even the introduction of a less than capable Blackpool magician co-host neither diminishes nor improves a programme that is now so awful, so lacking in any redeeming features that ITV need to pull the plug asap.

It's astonishing to think that a bunch of Z list "celebrities" wobbling around on ice skates is considered entertainment. Depressingly awful.

Please ITV, put this moronic rubbish out of its misery...,but this time, bury it properly (and permanently).

Arthur's Whisky (2024)

No Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever

[2/10 · 6 January 2024]

A movie with a strong Scottish connection turning out to be as bad as this......oh how that pains me. Let's put it this way......you have a scale for whisky related movies stretching from 0 to 100. The "100" spot is occupied by the original Whisky Galore. The "0" spot will now forever be occupied by Arthur's Whisky. Lord only knows what the makers wee aiming for, but if it wasn't a contender for the most vapid and banal movie of the 21st century, then they failed miserably.

A decent payday could be the only reason a small group of fairly accomplished actors would agree to put their names to this tripe. The one upside is that the "elixir of life" subject matter will never extend itself to this movie, and in a month or two, it will have hauled itself off into a corner to die peacefully (hopefully).

My review contains no spoilers, but this movie is almost guaranteed to spoil the day of anyone unfortunate enough to give it 90 minutes of their valuable time.

A truly appalling piece of rubbish.

The Preacher's Wife (1996)

Stellar Cast but......

[5/10 · 22 December 2023]

Despite sporting a top line cast, this still ends up being a sterile and ultimately charmless version of the 1947 original. When you pitch Denzel, Whitney and Gregory Hines up against Cary Grant, David Niven, Loretta Young and Monty Woolley, you'd think it would have the makings of a fair fight, but in reality, it's not even remotely close.

Denzel is Denzel, and does his best to match Cary, but I reckon he is hamstrung by some weak direction and a lacklustre script, so it's pretty much mission impossible for Denzel. Whitney does well enough, and I would say she matches Ms Young scene for scene.

The Preacher v The Bishop........no contest. David Niven wins this head to head by a country mile.

Of course, the plots are pretty much the same, but in every other respect, The Bishop's Wife wins hands down. The loss of charm from 1947 to 1996 is hard to explain, but starkly evident in The Preacher's Wife. It's not a bad movie......it's just very weak when compared to the 1947 original.

The Bishop's Wife (1947)

Beyond Superb

[10/10 · 20 December 2023]

Loretta Young, Cary Grant, David Niven, Monty Woolley. Can you possible go wrong with a cast like that? Absolutely stellar. David Niven, the very definition of debonair, is happy to take a back seat, and allow Cary Grant to be Cary Grant. It's just wonderful stuff from start to finish.

I too discovered this movie by accident when I was a kid in the 1960s. I was totally smitten by the religious/supernatural overtones that the Director delivers with an incredibly deft hand.

It's amazing what a great cast and crew can deliver when the entire movie stands or falls by the performances and the plot. Sure, there are "special effects" on show, and while laughable by modern standards, they are anything but laughable in the context of the film......they work, and they work well.

As someone else wrote, "one of the best three Christmas movies of all time". I would tend to agree. It's real quality without ever having to be "A Christmas Carol". It's easily strong enough to stand on its own merits, and in 2023, that means it has been managing perfectly well for 76 years.

The X from Outer Space (1967)

A Joy!

[10/10 · 18 December 2023]

Wonderful American/Japanese joint venture (but 95% Japanese). Just fabulous production values (for it's time), and not a penny of a presumably tiny budget is wasted. The ending was a bold foretelling of what was to come nearly two decades later in the form of Ghostbusters.

Sparklingly clean and tidy SFX (yes, we all know scaling flames and water movement is nigh on impossible). The city destruction was a tour de force knowing some modellers had to sit back and watch someone in a costume obliterate all of their work, but the sacrifice was worth it. Just a fabulous era defining piece of work.

This movie is beyond criticism. 😬

The Enfield Poltergeist (2023)

At Last, A Bit of Objectivity In The Mix

[10/10 · 28 October 2023]

The story will be well enough known to people of a certain age, so I won't go over it again.

This.....for the first time ever, is a telling of the tale that rips itself free of the awful Conjuring sticky fingers, the hugely entertaining (but fanciful) Timothy Spall interpretation of 2015, and all of the other "point and laugh" contemporary ridicule pieces of the late 70s and early 80s.

The meticulous set builds for the interior of the home, the superb decision to lip sync to Maurice Grosse's original tapes, and the non sensationalist, non judgemental space and breadth given to this who were there to tell their stories added up to a fresh (and refreshing) take on a story that had become perilously close to being lost forever.

For once, the terms "for information" or "for enlightenment" can stand on slightly higher ground than the lazy default "for entertainment only" that has allowed content makers to throw whatever they like into the telling of any given story.

A heartfelt "thank you" to everyone in the making of this docudrama. It's heartening to know that there's still film makers out there willing to resist the addition of sensationalist fiction to gild an already fully formed lily.

The Fall of the House of Usher (2023)

It promises, it delivers.

[9/10 · 17 October 2023]

I loved it. Fabulous production values coupled to a quality cast and a rather excellent interpretation/fusion of EAPs finest works. If you sit for while and give it a bit of thought, you quickly realise this isn't a murder mystery. The real mystery (but again, you can have a decent stab at working it out pretty early on in the series) is why is this happening to these people? Is it really just comeuppance for being who they are, and doing what they do? Of course not!!!! This is Gothic horror in a modern setting so it's never going to be that simple.

There are plenty of flashbacks to previous decades, but I found them very straightforward, and not at all confusing. Navigating your way through the story is not difficult, and they are absolutely key pieces of story telling, so pay attention!

There are times where it nods its cap in recognition of very modern American issues, but not in great detail........but it's neither a documentary nor an attempt at pricking the great American conscience, so it really doesn't have to explain that which is self evident.

It's a scary story, and a good one at that........something of a signature piece from Netflix that blows much of its other output out of the water.

I really enjoyed it as a two night binge watch.

Spooked: Ireland (2023– )

We Have All Been Here Before.....

[4/10 · 10 October 2023]

Same old hackneyed nonsense. I presume there must be a CD of ghost hunting spooky music that every production company uses in an attempt to generate a sense of impending doom.......that never happens.

Lots of REM pods, motion sensors......all the usual highly dubious "tech". The one true " raise from the grave" aspect is the resurgence in long black coats....both wool and leather. Was that a nod to wholly discredited Most Haunted, or did someone in wardrobe think this is an essential look?

Anyway, we have seen all of this before.........more "for entertainment" dross that ticks the box of every known supernatural tv show trope.

Not sure, but it might be the first in a long time to dive back into the cringeworthy world of the spirit medium channeling the dead.

No Native American spirit guide thus far, but I am sure it's an option that might yet surface.

Hope springs eternal, but this is just another show that promises much, and delivers absolutely nothing.

Craig Charles: UFO Conspiracies (2022– )

Please stop.

[1/10 · 5 October 2023]

One can only pray that they make no more of this regurgitated tosh. Limp, vapid, nothingness. A subject matter that like the Supernatural, is worthy of some serious investigation, but ends up with this kind of trashy "for entertainment" guff.

I don't know anything about the astrophysicist co-presenter, but I doubt very much that her contribution of pointing and looking worried played any part in her gaining her degree/PhD.

Unengaging, superficial nonsense. The only upside is that it will be consigned to the historical bin of TVs mos worthless crap in pretty short order.

Bubblegum for the brain.

Scream VI (2023)

Stop now. Please stop now.

[3/10 · 9 September 2023]

I think that's about enough. The franchise has run its course, and while it's near impossible to come up with something new, there isn't even an attempt at freshening up any of the well known slasher tropes.

It starts well enough with the incredibly beautiful Samara Weaving gracing the screen, but that lasts for a few minutes only until she becomes victim number one, and that was both a real shame, and an indicator as to how badly this was going to pan out.

From there on, it's just a muddled mess with the key culprit being a pretty easy guess from very early on. I don't know if the actor concerned was directed to act deliberately shifty, or if this was his own rendition......either way, the game was up less than half an hour in.

Regardless, it's now time to bring it all to a screaming halt. You will find absolutely no DNA of the original movie here, and therefore, no reason to continue producing pointless nonsense like this.

Hijack (2023)

Way too many plot holes

[6/10 · 11 August 2023]

What to say? So many ridiculous add ons (Idris son scuttling about the house in the final episode being a classic guff storyline), too many factual errors in terms of aviation (the Romanian fighter jets breaking off completely after aborting the deployment of missiles). That simply wouldn't happen. They would stay astern of the aircraft until it left Romanian air space), and the Kingdom flight would then be picked up by the next nation's fighter jets.

So many details that once you spot them, they affect everything the already wafer thin credibility of everything else. For whatever reason, the Doctor's wife is more loathsome than all of the hijackers combined. The escape of the two "Mr Bigs" is worthy of a guffaw of laughter.

The female 1st officer seems to disappear into the ether. She is the only one certified to land an Airbus, but heyho, the script sees handing this task on to two rank amateurs somehow elevates tension......it doesn't.....it simply lowers credibility even further.

Apple has given us some incredibly high class drama of late......I am thinking Black Bird and Under The Banner of Heaven as particular high points. Hijack falls a million miles short of those shows despite Idris Elba and the Welsh lass Eva Myles(?) putting in excellent performances. Bizarrely the characters of the British Home and Foreign Secretaries coming across as a pair of wooden tops who would both be out of their depth in a car park puddle is the only thing that rings as factually accurate.....you could be looking at a Matt Hancock and Nadine Dorris double act.

In summary, a good cast let down by a ropey script and a plot with more holes than your average fishing net that results in a drama littered with unresolved story lines and character developments. Ultimately disappointing and forgettable.

Prey for the Devil (2022)

Jacqueline Byers Is The Star Here

[8/10 · 8 June 2023]

Ok, another exorcism movie that never gets close to The Exorcist, but certainly gives it a good go. There's a couple of pretty decent supporting performances here, but Jacqueline Byers absolutely bosses this movie. It's not quite "she carries the movie single handedly", but it's not far off it. She is believable, she is compelling, and she radiates a profound beauty that no pin-up model could ever come close to.

In what can be pigeon holed as a standard exorcism movie, Ms Byers' performance is well above "standard". She certainly has the worldly wise and tough as nails nun vibe nailed down perfectly.

The Unkind (2021)

Let's do things differently....

[1/10 · 7 June 2023]

So, we are on a tight budget for this horror movie, so what can we do to cut costs?

Let's hire really really cheap actors....that'll help. Let's use every cheap trope we can so people understand it's a horror film. Let's have possession, and curses, and evil clowns and witches back from the dead. Let's get someone who has never written a screenplay before.....that will bring a new perspective.

Here's the best bit.......let's not hire a lighting guy, or even any lights. Let's just have a few daylight shots, and we will film everything else in total darkness.......it'll be great.

HINT. It's not great, it's an abomination. It's absolutely dire. The only horrific thing about it is that someone somewhere give this rubbish the go ahead to be made in the first place.

Barun Rai and the House on the Cliff (2021)

Staggeringly Bad

[1/10 · 15 May 2023]

This may well end up as a cult classic along the lines of Ed Wood's films. The acting is just so appallingly bad, that you are either going to switch off within 5 minutes of the start, or you are going to be laughing so hard, it hurts.

Such a contradiction. The opening titles are very well done, and doubtless this is where the budget has gone. No money left for actors, so it seems the producer has simply dispensed with them, and made the brave choice to randomly select individuals from Tesco's car park to play the pivotal characters.

I have seen some guff in my time, but if this doesn't take the biscuit, I will be astonished.

The Rig (2023– )

Almost, but not quite

[6/10 · 16 January 2023]

I get the environmental message even when it's delivered via a bit of the supernatural in the form of a dormant life force that's taken the hump with the hydrocarbon industry. The control room, the locking doors.......the exterior platform scenes.....all quite good. The helideck was a bit minuscule (as was the helicopter), but it all kind of worked.

Set aside the comms issues, the stuff that jarred was the fog......anyone hear a foghorn? Anyone who has every worked in the North Sea knows that baleful sound whenever the fog rolls in.

The female I take it was the company rep with almost everyone else being contractors I presume. The impact of shutting down was there, but when the Charlie platform was on fire, reminding everyone of the price of shutting down felt a bit ill judged post Piper Alpha. Which brings me to another point.....we had a Bravo and a Charlie, but no mention of an Alpha. Someone didn't do their homework on the oilfield naming system.

Then there was my pet hate....oh my goodness, how I hated it. The main characters all being named after significant N Sea oilfields was ridiculously twee. We had Magnus, Alwyn, Hutton and doubtless a few more. I tended to find myself counting them off. I was sure that sooner or later, Johnny Forties and Jimmy Thistle were going to appear on the scene.

Have to say there was some fine work done by the folks down in Leith, but for anyone knowing the N Sea, the storyline was actually more convincing than some of the day to day realities of N Sea life. Oh, and platforms don't have a canteen, they have a galley.......and where were the safety glasses? Compulsory outside of accommodation blocks and offices since the mid 1980s. Details details.

The Traitors UK (2022– )

Stop, please stop.

[1/10 · 8 December 2022]

So, take a bit of presenter stardust in the form of our Claudia, and then add a bit of Big Brother, a huge chunk of the Cluedo board game, some terrifically vapid "contestants" in search of their 15 minutes of fame and a pile of cash, wrap it all up in a veneer of a "social experiment", and what have you got.......yet another 12 hours of bubblegum for the brain masquerading as "entertainment for voyeurs" (and "crap" for everyone else).

This sort of guff is a great argument for the return of the Test Card.

Television doesn't have to churn out endless hours of this rubbish. Just shut down a bit earlier and help bring the reign of "reality tv" to a long overdue end.

Inside Man (II) (2022)

Why oh why?

[3/10 · 29 November 2022]

Fab cast fed a load of guff pretending to be a dramatic script. Tucci and Tennent do their best, and in fairness, Tucci gets the better half of the deal as a Hannibal lite character. The U. K. side of things however........what a mess. Another reviewer asks the question "why does it have to be believable"? Well, it's not a fantasy, it's not a supernatural tale, and it's not sci-fi.......you have to look at the character's actions in a contemporary setting and reconcile in your own mind that those actions are within the bounds of credibility.......and a vicar who takes on the persona of a mildly threatening Mr Bean who is wed to either Thelma or Louise just isn't credible......and dramas need to be credible.

I cannot bring myself to criticise Tennent or Tucci. The script and plot however.........horrendous.

I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! (2002– )

We know who the voyeurs are....

[1/10 · 18 November 2022]

The lovers love it, the haters hate it. Not because one group are smarter than the other. It's simply because the lovers are society's voyeurs.....the people who are more interested in other people's lives than their own. Curtain twitchers, nosey parkers......all love this type of thing. Tag on the "celebrity" word, and all those brainwashed into thinking anyone who has appeared on TV for 30 minutes is a "celebrity" and therefore, worthy of attention, and you have the complete vacuous package.

The non voyeurs of course, see it very differently.......vapid bubble gum for the brain with no redeeming values whatsoever.

It's lazy TV of the worst kind. Tbh, I would far rather have an hour of the test card than watch this sort of drivel. By the way, you can tell when the curse that is reality TV is scraping the barrel when they describe their latest piece of titillation as "a social experiment". What utter guff.

Nope (2022)

Something of a collective homage

[6/10 · 19 September 2022]

I enjoyed it. I didn't check the time at any point from start to finish. Now, JP hasn't really moved the game on, but was he really trying to? I guess for me there was a bit of "spot the homage" going on. There was a bit of Independence Day, there was a fair chunk of War of the Worlds.....the sand and debris spilling from the alien craft being a familiar trope. Was there a bit of Cowboys v Aliens?.......probably not so much.

The keys and debris that took out Dad was brilliantly executed.......just enough visuals to move the story along.

I suppose said aliens (despite their very cool organic craft) shied away from crowds for a reason.......getting taken out by (I assume) a big helium balloon shows they were right to be a bit coy about just how powerful they really were. As it turned out, being suckers for eye contact (real or painted) was ample demonstration that they weren't quite as smart (regardless of their technology).

So earth is safe provided we keep a good stock of bunting and helium balloons. That's comforting to know. I enjoyed this film. So there.

Gordon Ramsay's Future Food Stars (2022–2023)

Bad. Really Bad.

[2/10 · 20 April 2022]

So, Gordon wants to find a future food star. So far, so good. Then it's all downhill from there. So how have they done it, and more importantly, how have they done it so badly?

I suppose it's a cocktail. It's a mixture of GR with his claws buffed away, it's the Apprentice format to generate "point and laugh" failures, but even that is not enough. Dear me no.

So what's the final element........it's a food and drink show, but it needs a twist. You might think that simply being chucked into unfamiliar food and drink arenas would be that final twist.....everyone getting a chance to be a fish out of water. You'd be wrong.

Cue Mr Ramsey attempting to channel his inner Ant Middleton. Let's freak them. Let's subject them to some SAS Who Dares Wins frighteners.

So what does that heady mix of badly thought through concepts give us? A mess, that's what. An unmitigated disaster of a programme not worth one penny more of TV licence money.

Thankfully, stuff like this is likely to kill off much of reality TV, so it's not all bad. Series 2 anyone? Hopefully not. This is drivel of the worst kind.

Trigger Point (2022– )

So Poor

[1/10 · 14 February 2022]

Season 2 Review I have downgraded my overly generous S1 review from 2 Stars to 1 Star.

My advice would come from the Bomb Disposal people themselves........stand well back (from this poorly written) drivel. You think this show delivers "tension"? Save yourself lots of time, and just play 1 game of Pop Up Pirate every week for a month. It will prove to be far more rewarding than this hogwash.

Astonishing what ITV are prepared to spend their money on.

Season 1 Review Below Lots of quality telly names associated with the show, and despite that fact, it's nowhere near enough to rescue a show that is sinking into sea of banality.

Let's be honest, the best drama is seldom (if ever) the product of ITV, and in Trigger Point, the status quo remains unchallenged.

The endless "point and look worried" facial gestures become tiresome (as do the amateurish errors committed by the supposedly expert bomb disposal personnel). Leaving the acting and thoroughly amateurish bomb disposals to one side, there are so many jarring "so why don't they do this?" moments.

Everything from pushing the van away from the opening in E3, but then not bothering to check either the van or access to the building for explosives or booby traps to sitting on the motorway, lighting up the "blues and twos" yet there they are, occupying the left hand lane with every other vehicle overtaking them, and then in E4, the young lad sits in an ancient Cavalier, and just doesn't roll down the window and climb out.

Sorry, but Trigger Point is incredibly lame, and has no eye for detail. Poor stuff.

Ghost Dimension: Unseen and Unedited (2017– )

Same old same old.

[2/10 · 29 May 2018]

How many "shows" can regurgitate the same stuff again and again under the banner of "entertainment" (calling this stuff a documentary is an insult to everyone's intelligence). Here we have a "high tech" approach using a bunch of gadgets that are supposedly sure fire winners in their ability to contact the dead. Says who? What would a decent electronics engineer tell you about the contents of these gadgets? Who manufacturers them, and how did they determine that x, y or z circuitry is the right stuff for contacting the deceased? Answer is, they don't know, and it's just fairly run of the mill electronics with a bit of ghost marketing behind it. Come on people. Let's have at least one programme that's objective and doesn't require a bunch of fame hungry people stumbling around in the dark and getting spooked by an endless array of "black mass" figures. Is it scary to be stumbling about in a dark old building at night? I am sure it is. Is it even a remotely worthwhile objective exercise into the paranormal? Of course it isn't. Sadly, it's just the same old same old homage to the equally unworthy Most Haunted.