cjlove2523 Reviews

The Girl on the Train (2016)

Ridiculous casting

[4/10 · 11 August 2023]

No offense to Justin Theroux because he's an alight actor, but not believable in the slightest that all these beautiful women would be throwing themselves at married Tom and them all wanting his babies. The women just can't seem to help themselves and are even cheating on spouses just to be with Tom, and he's as average as can be. I'm assuming it was because he was married to Jennifer Aniston at the time, but it took me out of the movie that all these women were willing to ruin their lives for him.

Anyways, very good acting by Blunt and I always dig Allison Janney. I read Chris Evans was supposed to play Tom, and that would've probably been more believable.

If Lucy Fell (1996)

Awful movie

[1/10 · 11 November 2021]

The writer/director is one of the most unattractive leading men on film I've ever seen. And he cast Elle Macpherson just so he could stick his tongue down her throat 100x... and we have to witness it. There's no charm, no charisma, and definitely no comedy in this movie. Didn't care about the leading characters at all, didn't care if they jumped to their deaths or not (in fact I actually hoped they would.) The lingering thought of Eric Schaffer's nasty tongue continually going in and out of Elle Macpherson's mouth has been a 25 year old nightmare for me, and it pops in my head once in awhile just to make me nauseous. I wish I could erase this entire movie and scrape it all from my mind, but all I could do is make sure no one else sees this steaming pile of crap.

The Me You Can't See (2021– )

3/10

[3/10 · 29 May 2021]

This show felt very contrived coming from a the state of a very privileged individual being interviewed by another very privileged individual. Although I know mental illness is not a structure for entertainment, nor does mental illness discriminate against social status or class, I was hoping to gain some insight or actual remedies for mental illness for those who can't afford proper therapy. But this honestly just felt incredibly whiny, like a man with a vendetta against his family. And it was agonizingly boring. Maybe it's because I'm an American, and do not understand the inner working of the Royal Family. But whining, complaining, and not getting one's way- all under the disguise of mental illness to air out grievances for monetary gain- just feels slimy. Not at all recommending this show to anyone. The glowing 10 star reviews must just be fan girls since this makes no sense.

Game of Thrones (2011–2019)

So many unanswered questions...

[12 November 2020]

With so many unanswered questions (what DID the Whitwalkers actually WANT?) What was their main goal? And why? What was the point of having all this leading up and buildup to Jon Snow being Lyana Stark and Rhagar Targaryen's true born male heir and not Ned's "illegitimate son" What was the point to all that? Just so he can be thrown back to the Night's Watch where he began? As if the man accomplished nothing? What in the Seven Hells happened to Jamie Lannister's character's arc? He went right back to where he started as well. Dany's "Mad Queen" events happened way too fast after she did way too much good for way too many people. I was left so sad and dissatisfied after it was over. I felt like I wasted so much time and energy into something so grand that never paid off for me. Such wonderful actors, beautiful sceneries, amazing music... overthrown by horrible writing, no payoff, and a very poor lit last season. Also.. The killing of Varys left such a bad taste in my mouth, that after that I didn't care who ended up on the bloody throne. I cannot say I give the overall Season a 1 but it was so disappointing that I cannot even recommend the show to anyone now. Unless I say "Brave yourself for a pitiful ending" And that is just sad

The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)

Would have been ok if it wasn't about a true story

[3/10 · 19 September 2020]

I don't write movie reviews much. Not that anyone cares, but the reason I'm stating this is because I just HAVE to write about this huge steaming, smelly, pile of ghastly horse dung of a movie. It is so historically wrong that they shouldn't have even used the real names of the Boleyns and co. If this were a period piece of a different family and story, it maybe would have worked. However, since they tried capitalizing on the huge interest of the history of Henry the 8th, his wives and mistresses, they failed so significantly in this adaptation, that it is so laughably bad. I can go on and on and on about what they got wrong (Don't get me started on the accents!) Instead, I will just comment on what they got right since it's much quicker. What they got right? The names (some of them) The costumes (some of them) Henry did have a brief fling with Mary, but did not hold her in high regard. He barely held her in any kind of standard other than her being a quick mistress (she did NOT have his son) Henry was obsessed with Anne because she refused his advances and toyed with him- but eventually gave into him (without him having to force himself on her) Henry broke with the Catholic Church so he can annul his marriage to Katherine of Aragon, who never could provide a male heir for England. (They drastically underused the immensely talented Ana Torrent) Henry began what is still now known as the Church of England Anne and Henry married. Anne had a daughter named Elizabeth. Anne lost favor with the King, but not before falling pregnant several more times. Her brother, George was executed, but it was all a part of a huge set up with others being executed with him (George and Anne were not about going to have intercourse so she can get pregnant) Henry had already set his eyes on Jane Seymour and was well rid of Anne in his mind. He concocted a lot of excuses as to why she needed to go, and set in motion a slew of false allegations against her. Anne was beheaded. Anne's daughter Elizabeth I ruled over England for 45 years

Maybe they got a little more right but I just want to add a few things that were SO BAD that I can't believe they actually filmed it. When Anne was about to be executed and was making her final exit speech, Mary still thought Henry would reverse his decision. LOL! She was looking around like "Where is he? When is he going to show up and stop this?" As if he were to say "JUST KIDDING ENGLAND! This was just a test! Anne, you've been punked. (Mary wasn't even there anyway) After Anne's execution, I love how Mary can just up and grabs the KING's daughter, who wouldn't have even been stationed at court, considering she was now deemed an illegitimate child in Henry's eyes at the time and then she just... walked off with her!!! Hahahaha! Come ON!

The King raping Anne Boleyn? Henry listening to Mary pleading with him to spare Anne's life? Kissing her hand and making a false promise that he wouldn't hurt any part of her..?? (Like she was some great lost love?!) Mary raising Elizabeth on a farm? Bahaha. Even for 14 year old movie goers that know nothing of 1500's England has to know this movie was absolute garbage. And finally the biggest grievance I have with this film, and by no means am I an Anne Boleyn fangirl, but to show her being a blubbering mess before her execution was disgusting. She held herself with such composure, grace, and perseverance during her last breaths. So much so that it moved the audiences that once detested her. She came to accept her death in her final days and was at peace. The actors were good enough with such a horrible script. Although, Natalie Portman's accent was atrocious at times ("In the greatest coat of ull") always sticks out to me. Scarlet played her part ok too. The person who stood out the most though was Kristin Scott Thomas. She's always good though. Overall, avoid if you are a history buff. Watch for silly false period fluff

Lisa (1990)

Boy crazy 14 year olds are scary!

[9/10 · 18 March 2020]

This movie is a cautionary tale about a 14-year-old girl name Lisa, who is so unbelievably boy crazy that it's beyond laughable. Her and her friend find attractive men out on the streets and take random pictures of them. They even have a shrine book with all the men's pictures they take with hearts around their pictures, even though they know nothing of these men despite what they look like. (Stage 5 stalkers) and then get their license plate number and call to find out their information. When they do get their numbers, they call them up and pretend like they're older so they can flirt with them. One day Lisa comes across a man who she finds very attractive and finds his license plate number to look him up. She begins a phone correspondence with him for some time and in return he seems very interested in her. As time goes by, she realizes that she needs to pretend as if she's older, so she begins to tell him all of her mom's information for some strange reason. (This is the part I don't understand) It gets kind of confusing because she wants to go see him at the restaurant he owns, so she tells Richard on the phone that she'll be at his restaurant that night and will be wearing a sexy white dress. She brings her mother with to go see him, and Lisa convinces her mom to wear the white dress to the restaurant, even though her mom doesn't want to. While at the restaurant for awhile, Lisa finally ends up spotting Richard. He quickly glances at Lisa at the booth she was sitting at but looks away just as quickly, while her mom goes to the bathroom. But then Richard bumps right into Lisa's mom, looks her up and down and seductively says "The woman in white!" But Lisa's mom walks away abruptly and all fluttered. But because in Lisa's mind, Richard briefly saw her, this was Lisa's chance to write down on a napkin, "You've seen me" with a lipstick kiss on it. Which of course Richard thinks that meant it came from the lady in white, Lisa's mom. Richard then finds out all of Lisa's mom'a information from the credit card she left at the restaurant and then begins the stalking on his part, since he thought it was her that was making the seductive phone calls. He goes into her shop she owns which is a flower shop and he hears a familiar catchphrase from Lisa's mom that Lisa used on Richard all the time... "Hi, guy" They both say that to everyone as a nickname so now he knows it's her (or at least think is it) He ends up aggressively stalking her and enters her flower delivery truck one night and left several cigarettes in the ashtray. She now knows something weird is happening.

Lo and behold Richard is not what he seems, as we are well aware right from the very beginning of the movie. He is not just some innocent cute guy that Lisa thought he was. He is the town's Candlelight Killer. He breaks into the apartments of attractive women, leaves a message saying he's going to kill them on the answering machines (ahh the days before caller ID and traced callers) and then he kills them. Therefore, Lisa and her mom basically fall right into his lap. Well as you can guess, he breaks into Lisa's house, kidnaps her and ties her up. Her mom comes home and finds Richard with a terrified Lisa and.. long story short they fight him off and finally end up killing him. Oh but not before they run into Lisa's room and the mom tells her to call 911 while a tearful Lisa tells her mom she took her phone out of her room (for calling her a horrible name earlier on) As if this was some sort of retribution for punishing Lisa for being the biggest boy crazy brat in any movie I've ever seen.

Well.. that's all I've got. The movie is one of those rainy day lifetime movies that you can catch that is kind of entertaining but still also very predictable with some questions also left unanswered. All I know is if I were Lisa's mom, I would never let her get away with half the things she said to me or did. Her mom was very patient with her. Anyways.. Moms of young girls out there, be careful and make sure you know what they're doing and who they're talking to at all times. Especially now with the internet and social media. This movie was made 30 years ago and the themes in this movie still applies today.

What Lies Beneath (2000)

Michelle Pfeiffer walking very slowly around her house

[8/10 · 17 March 2020]

Don't get me wrong. Michelle Pfeiffer is an absolutely gorgeous woman. And Harrison Ford is still a stud. There are some tense moments throughout the movie and one really really big jump scare. However, most of it is just characters getting extremely lucky. And throughout the entire movie, Michelle Pfeiffer's character is walking around doing mundane things in a very very very slow manner. She walks down the door slowly. She blow dries her hair slowly. She walks to her room very slowly. It's almost as if she is a robot who has been programmed to move at the slowest speed possible. The funny thing is, I didn't mind watching her walk and talk and pour wine and wash her hands as if she were just trying to take up time throughout the day as slowly as possible. She can even do that in an entertaining manner. The storyline though? Meh. Not that great. Plus there are so many questions left unanswered. But I'll say it again and again, watch the movie if you like a slow movie lead actress.

Criminal Minds: Zugzwang (2013) Season 8, Episode 12

Great storyline, unrealistic episode

[7/10 · 11 December 2019]

*HUGE SPOILERS*

I am skipping the whole buildup and am focusing straight to the ending of the episode once they found out who the stalker was.

I loved the Reid and Maeve storyline. I actually thought how nice, they're giving Reid a happy storyline! But this was an absolute ridiculous mess of an episode. In fact, ALL of the agents messed up in this episode. Yes.. I realize it's just a TV show for entertainment purposes but it's not entertaining when there are too many basic and simple errors. For instance, at the end where they're all running into the warehouse where the action is taking place, you have a half a dozen specially trained FBI agents, with their guns drawn right on the unsub who is very clearly emotional, unstable, unbalanced and deranged.. with a gun to Maeve's head after just shooting Reid to boot. After some emotional chit chat, and realizing she was going to commit suicide.. the minute her arm moved up with the gun to her head, at least ONE of the agents would have instinctively fired at Diane's leg. I know the way she did it, it looks quick, but there was PLENTY of time before that due to the dialouge. Hear me out. These are top of the line FBI profilers. They could all read Diane's hysteria. From the time Reid spouted the secret quote to Maeve (I guess to secretly prove he did love her IN CODE) Maeve realized it and then stupidly repeated the author...OUT LOUD! (Did she actually WANT to die?? If she figured it out why didn't she keep it to herself?) There is a gun pointed directly to her head!!! THEN she even boldly states that the code Reid gives Diane to free Maeve, she even taunts Diane that "He's the one thing you could never take away from us" which OF COURSE pushes Diane to confusion and left her in the dark feeling worthless, hopeless and envious which in return makes her unwilling to let them win by flatly and calmly saying "No." (I will not let them win) So she shoots herself. The problem is the whole BAU saw all of this conversation and reaction and would have brought her down before she could even lift her arm. Diane may have been holding Maeve, but she was plenty away from her to get a clear shot of a part of her person to get her down before she fired. And let's not forget this was actually Reid's HUGE mistake by saying he'd take Maeve's place and kill himself for her!! As romantic as that may have sounded for Reid fans to swoon over, you do NOT say that to a deranged stalker wanting to be with you while pointing a gun to the woman he truly loves head. He's supposed to be a genius. You don't trigger an unstable woman by saying not only would you give up your life for the hostage (knowing Diane can now plainly see Reid is in love with Maeve) but also not comforting the stalker by saying if she shoots her, they wouldn't ever be able to be together. And if she shoots herself.. well then.. she is DEAD! I've seen this episode more than once, and each time I see it, I notice more and more mistakes and never have I been more disappointed in the BAU. Especially Reid. Not only that, but I'm not going to even get into the fact that Diane wipes them both out with a single shot. This post is long enough.

This was all just another horrible tragedy to tack on to all of Reid's misfortunes. They just don't ever let Spencer have a happy ending. I will not be surprised if in the last season, he has to get both arms and both legs amputated after some sort of explosion that will also leave him blind.

I gave this a 7/10 for the acting. MGG and the 2 ladies did great. But you really have to have a HUGE suspension of belief for this episode to accept it. Still and always will love the show. Just didn't like this episode

Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

Last half of movie Part 2

[2/10 · 31 August 2019]

Ok so everyone is laughing and cheering after Amanda tells off Preston and he says... nothing. He does nothing. But wait.. somehow she's still at the party? But Preston leaves. Then the annoying, obnoxiously irritating girl who has been bugging everyone all night for their yearbook signatures asks Amanda for hers and after everything she just went through for the past 15 minutes, she just smiles and says sure! As she's about to sign her name, but a lightbulb went off and she looks up Preston Meyers and realizes that the guy she just told off was the same guy who wrote her this unbelievably life changing letter! HE'S the one who wants to be with her! He's the one who wrote thee letter, the one who said she's not jus a pretty prom queen. That she's more than just Mike's girlfriend. (Even though she's undecided about life, herself, and every other thing in the world) She realizes she messed up with Preston and the letter that says she's not beautiful and runs off to find him. After some non-humorous things that happen, it's the next day. Finally. We find out the consequences of people's futures via text onscreen. I'll spare the cliched endings except of course, our Romeo and Juliet Preston's packed and all ready to board a train to go to Dartmouth... the DAY after high school graduation. So he's at the train station and the announcer says his train is about to board when suddenly a girl with a whispery voice questions him and says "Excuse me did you drop this?" (Yes throughout the whole movie, Jennifer Love Hewitt has a weird whispery voice and sighs after ever word then laugh-sighs when she thinks what she just said was funny. Although it never was) Preston turns and sees... AMANDA! He looks down and sees she's holding his unreciprocated letter but now must be reciprocal seeing as she is holding it! He says "You have my letter?" She says in the cringiest way possible "I thought it was MY letter?" Well woman why did you try to hand it back to him then? Was THAT your opening line the whole drive to the train station? She couldn't come up with anything better like "Hey Preston look I am so sorry I called you an A-hole, you see there was this mix up and I-" No. Nope. She tried to hand him the letter back by pretending he dropped it and when he went to retrieve it she's like no it's mine. I read it. It was amazing! You made me feel like so much more than just the prom queen. You even looked past my pure beauty and even said I wasn't just Mike's girlfriend. But above it all (person I've never talked to before) we share the same taste in Pop tarts and that to me is just.. destiny! So she looks at him as he's carrying his bags and she says "So you're going now huh?" Preston with all his bags in his hands says "Yeah I have this amazing opportunity and plans for my life" She congratulates him, but then she condescendingly says "Ya know maybe this is for the best. Maybe I should just be single for awhile." Wait what? WHAT?! What the heck does that even mean? She was willing to be his girlfriend due to the Pop Tart note? Mike had just broken up with her the day before and she went on and on saying she was single for JUST 5 seconds and already Preston you think I'm just going to strip naked and "do you?" But now that you're leaving it's best we don't become a couple?? Something I know you've dreamed about for 4 years. Well, they say their awkward goodbyes. He turns to look at her walk away and starts to leave, she turns to look at him as he is walking away, so she starts walking away. But then the Pop Tart epiphany strikes! He drops all his bags in the middle of a very busy train station and runs to her and says "I bet there is a later train I can take." And then IT happens. The most ridiculously awkward, weirdest and cringiest, stupid out of place and oddest onscreen movie kiss I have ever witnessed. It's... it's just so hard to watch. I actually think I winced and shuddered when they kissed the first time. Then they stop and look at each other and kiss again and I think I had to look away that time because it looks like he is literally eating her whole face, and she looks as surprised as she did when her cousin kissed her. It wasn't sweet or romantic. It was sick. I'm actually cringing right now thinking about this stinker of an ending. Oh and the subtext is that another train came 7 hours later so I assumed they either kept kissing for 7 hours or talked about his plans for him to go live his dreams, while she stays put. But their happily ever after is that Amanda wrote to Preston every single day. I swear that's what it said. It said she wrote him a letter each day he was gone. Oh and they're still together. That was the last line. "They are still together" This movie came out in 1998. So if you watched it then, they are still together. If you watched it in 2004, they're still together. If you watched it yesterday, they're still together. I mean couldn't they have added they eventually got married? And instead of having a huge wedding cake they handed out strawberry Pop Tarts? The ONLY reason I gave this movie 2/10 was because of Denise and Kenny. I wanted to rate it a 1 but honestly it wasn't the absolute WORST movie I've ever seen. But it is in my bottom 20, that is for sure. Between JLH's fake breathy, whispery, sighing voice, and Preston's completely unhealthy obsessive "love" for a woman that hasn't the faintest idea of who he is, and then without even speaking of it with some sort of resolve or resolution, they end up forcing us to watch this dreadful, awful, frightening, and downright unpleasant and unnatural face eating kiss. I am so sorry. There were so many good quality teen movies in the mid-late 90's and this tried so hard to be one of them. And it just isn't. Again, I apologize if you read this entire thing thinking I'm the biggest witch. But after seeing this, instead of looking up a therapist to go talk to about it, I had to get it out somehow and this was the only way I knew how to do it. I'm just so glad I watched this after a skiing accident, where I was forced to watch movies and read books. Because I would have never chose to watch this willingly at a theater. And even better, I didn't even have to pay for it. Except with my LIFE! There's 5 hours of my life I'll never get back. Oh.. wait 2 hours. I just saw the movie was only an hour and 40 minutes. It felt longer. I thought Amanda was standing at that pose when she walked into the party for a whole minute but I guess it was just 15 seconds like I said earlier. Anyways, there's my review. I will NEVER eat a pop tart again and I actually hope I never even SEE one again for the rest of my life. And my final complaint that I touched on earlier. I really want to know WHAT they ended up doing with Jennifer Love Hewitt's 3 wigs and 83 hair extensions that they put on her head? I actually really hope they made a carpet for someone who needed one. Because that was just ridiculous. Just like that kiss. And just like this movie

Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

I need to write a 2 part review. This is part one

[2/10 · 28 August 2019]

Yes, there are a lot of '90's stars in this "movie" about a love struck boy, Preston, who has pined pathetically away for the most popular girl in school, Amanda, for 4 years, because he thought they shared a special and deep connection. Look, I am probably going to sort of write in this review everything that happens because as much as I hate reviews where the only thing the reviewer say is literally what happens throughout the whole movie, after my little intro, I'm just going to dig right in and tell you my thoughts and opinions on the movie while telling you what's happening but not being able to tell you WHY.

So back to Preston and what he thinks is this unspoken God's Will for him and Amanda to be together. He happens to be the very first person to see her out of all the students at their school when we exiting her car on her first day when she was sort of new and since he was late. Let's just say this love for her doesn't stem from any sort of conversation on literature, poetry, movies, art, or music. I mean... there isn't even ANY conversation AT ALL. When she first sits down next to him, (you don't see her at all so we get the BIG reveal, more on that later) he knew he was in love and it turns out it was because... they both liked the same strawberry pop tart! He even says in the movie "What are the odds?!" They eat the SAME pastry! So he believes *that* was their destiny, fate, and they were true soulmates. He never gave up on the dream that she belonged with him, just because of a nasty, high-sugar, low-protein junk food pop tart that's terrible to start off your day. The teacher asks the class "Who would like to show Amanda around the school?" (Uhh shouldn't this have already been done when her parents brought her to that new school to sign in? To bring the transcripts in, show her where her locker is, introduce her to the teachers? Did they just throw kids into new schools without even knowing where the toilets are etc?) Preston was a half a second too late as Mike, the popular football jock raised his hand faster and Amanda walked off with him... into a steamy hallway that looked like there was a fire somewhere close by. That was that, she ended up going out with the typical varsity jock football player who showed her around for the remainder of high school. But with just his luck, everyone is talking about this huge graduation party being thrown and everyone is going to be there! Preston even convinced his best friend, Denise to join him as she is kind of an outcast. (Although, she is actually my favorite character and seems to be the only normalish one in this movie) Then Preston right before they throw their graduation caps up in the air, he finds out that Mike broke up with Amanda... and he's THRILLED! They're both going to be at the same party that night! He's so excited that he shows Denise the note he wrote Amanda 4 years ago about how they belonged together because he can see the "real her" He can see she may one day have diabetes or high blood pressure if she keeps eating those strawberry pop tarts. I mean it has to be in that letter right? Because supposedly it says that to him, she is not just some beautiful, popular, cheerleader with a LOT of hair! (I mean come on! The hair department worked overtime on that mop top of Jennifer Love Hewitt) She's more than just Mike's girlfriend. Even though she's undecided in life and seems to have zero direction on her future, nor does she even know his name and they've never spoken one word to each other, they're soulmates!

Let's take you to the party. The party where the girl hosting it is soooo uptight about nothing being destroyed, nothing getting dirty, or messy, or nothing getting ruined or broken. So why in the world did you have a graduation party and invite a bunch of people, including a BAND and NOT expect it to get a little rowdy? Everyone starts showing up. Mike is there with his friends, who have all previously promised Mike before the party that they too will break up with their girlfriends! Until the party. Oh but they still will break up with them, but not until after the Pearl Jam concert... in August. Mike is like whatever! Buuuurp. Preston is trying to find Amanda staking our every room and Denise is wondering why the heck she's even there. However, later on she gets the ONLY and I mean literally the ONLY mildly funny scene when she gets trapped with Seth Green's character, Kenny. A dorky white guy who tries really hard to be black. I'm not talking like Mac Miller or Fez from Euphoria. I am talking about the worst caricature of a white boy being black. It was dumb. Especially since it's all a show. Ends up he's a virgin and they end up having sex on the bathroom floor where they're locked in together. They go back and forth on hating each other to kissing to hating to having sex. It was mildly entertaining.

Ohhh, finally the moment we've all been waiting for is here. In walks Amanda. In super slow motion, with the wind machine blowing in her hair, a song playing, everyone stops and stares at her, and she just... stands there. Alone. Literally. For like 15 seconds looking at everyone staring at her. Ok so nowadays I grew into JLH. But my GOD I wanted to scream at Amanda at least a dozen times during this movie! This is clearly a girl who does not want to be at this party. She has awkward encounters after awkward encounters, yet she still stays at this party because of.. story. The whole time she looks extremely bored as if she was forced to stay there being absolutely- out of her mind miserable. Everyone knows Mike broke up with her. Even her cousin. And so in this side room Amanda and her cousin are talking and he's trying to tell her how sorry he is for what a jerk Mike was to break up with her. And he's there for her if she ever needs anything. Then out of nowhere, he full on sexually harasses her. He just jumps on top of her while she's clearly pushing him away and making "help me" noises, and guess who finally finds her? Yup. Preston. He sees them on the couch and looks gutted. He is so sad that he is seeing the love of his life, his one and only soulmate trying to get her cousin off of her while he clearly has her pinned down against her will, but he solemnly walks away looking distraught. I mean.. did I accidentally turn on Three's Company?! You can tell she did not want him on top of her! She finally pushes her cousin off of her and says he's sick and leaves the room. But not the party because...story! But Preston leaves the party. And as he leaves the party, he throws away the love letter he wrote her. The documentation of his undying, never ending, intimate, devotion that he's carried around within his brooding heart for 4 years. He throws it in the trash and leaves. Some girl gets gum stuck to her shoe and she steps on the letter and that letter looked like it had more fun at that party than anyone else. The letter conveniently gets thrown around until it lands in a bowl (more on that later) So Oreston is out there trying to call a radio show because he heard Mandy by Barry Manilow on the radio or something?? Jenna Elfman, an angel stripper, tells him to go get the love of his life! And don't let anyone get in the way of his desire for Barry Manilow! Preston goes back to the party just in time to see drunk Mike telling Amanda that he will take her back. Oh by the way, she found the letter that conveniently found it's way dead smack in a bowl right in front of her face! (Fate!) She reads it for about a second and does her whisper smile and gets up and starts asking people who Preston Meyers is. And people are saying "He sat next to you in all your classes" yet she still doesn't know him. Again, never spoke to him, doesn't know him, doesn't know what he looks like. Back to the Mike/Amanda showdown. She tells him to screw off, they're over. She's holding the life changing letter as she tells him somebody else wants her. (She just doesn't know who they are) He's embarrassed and there's another whole side story where this nerd was going to get revenge on him for bullying him his entire high school life. But because Mike is embarrassed that Amanda upset him in front of people for like 2 minutes (the thing Mike has done to the nerd for years and years and years and years) they become best buds. Then after the showdown where Amanda "wins!" everyone is coming up to her congratulating her for being such a STRONG woman for not taking Mike back, so they all want her to take her clothes off. I'm serious. All these guys are just blatantly saying things like "K just saw what happened, God you're hot, let's go to my van!" and "Remember when we danced together at junior prom? I had the biggest hard on!" "Damn Amanda your boobs are huge! Can I touch them?" This is all while she's walking out the door leaving. Now, Preston has ONE last chance to prove his stalking, obsessive love for her comes to fruition. So he yells, "AMANDA? AMANDA! I LOVE YOU!" She turns around and looks up at him, and he is stunned. He holds his chest and starts chasing her down and fumbling his way down the stairs through people to get to her, trying to tell her that ever since Freshman year he's felt they've had this connection (pop tart!) and he thinks they belong together, so if they can just go somewhere and talk-" No. Nope. That was it. That was the boiling point. She finally unleashes her rage that she had been single for like 5 seconds and already he thinks she's going to go somewhere and take off her clothes and just "do him" because of some sick fantasy he's had of her (she's right) BUT instead of stopping her and handling it like a normal person would, he blankly stares at her while she's telling him off.. like his mom just told him his dad just passed away. She walks away from him and he still says nothing. But not before one final turn around from Amanda telling him to "go get a God d*mned life A-hole!" And everyone starts laughing and cheering

Never Been Kissed (1999)

Not the usual Barrymore charm

[2/10 · 20 July 2019]

Ok let's get the elephant in the room out of the way first. David Arquette was wayyyyy too miscast in this movie as the "cooler older brother." It's actually quite laughable in that awkward, weird, bad laugh way. The fact he is so grossly miscast takes a lot away from the film. The inflection in his voice is even wrong at times and you sit there wondering what he is actually trying to say. For instance at one point after everything came out, he didn't care his sister and possibly career were just destroyed. She's says "Rob, what are you doing here?" Rob says in a sweet, touching, and excited way "Really?" Then the inflection goes "No not really. Not REALLY Josie" (You'd have to watch that part to understand what I'm talking about) It's just as bad as him becoming the most popular student in one day because he ate a whole huge bin of coke slaw that every guy that was soooo awesome and all the girls swooned over. I mean REALLY?? There are so many bad parts to this movie. The funny parts, or I should say the parts that were supposed to be funny were super cringe. A teacher crushing on his student? Ew. Doesn't matter that she's actually 25. He thinks she's a senior in high school and he's her teacher. Then there is this group "The Lemmings" Guess they're like the plastics from Mean Girls without the charm, humor, and good dialogue. And for the love of God can we please talk about Drew Barrymore's high school makeover on her first day? Come on! She works for a major newspaper distributer, she can't be THAT out of touch with what high school girls wear to school. But nope, not her. She wears this all white ensemble( complete with white lips too) horrible hair, horrible makeup, and a long white feather scarf that is so long it gets caught in everything. I would not recommend this movie to anyone. Not because a teacher falls for his student, not because the main characters older brother would be the biggest dweeb yet somehow turns into the coolest guy ever, and not even because of the extraordinarily cringey last part, where Drew's character stands in the middle of a baseball field where asks to put 5 minutes on the clock on the big monitor for Mr. Coleman to come and kiss her for her very first "real kiss." Holy heck just writing that made me get goosebumps. I wouldn't recommend it because there's no genre. It's not funny, it's not romantic, it's not sweet, it's just... creepy. I will give props to Molly Shannon, John C. Reilly, and Leelee Sobieski. Leelee did the best she could for what was written for her, even though her dialogue was also a steaming pile of crap too. I'm sorry this was such a negative review. I was just thoroughly disappointed with the script, wardrobe, character misplacements, and the ridiculousness behind all of it. If I had to describe the movie in one word? CRINGE

Truth or Dare (I) (2018)

Don't waste your time

[2/10 · 15 April 2018]

Paint your house and watch the paint dry for more entertainment and scare yourself in the mirror if you want to be scared. This movie is sick, corny, and just plain stupid. Save your brain cells.

Mother! (2017)

Not the worst but not Darren's best by far (Minor Spoilers)

[4/10 · 15 September 2017]

Contains Spoilers.

Was somewhat disappointed in Mother! as I've been waiting for it for awhile and I usually don't "wait for movies" But I am a huge Darren Aronofsky fan and also Javier, Jennifer, Michelle, and Ed's casting all intrigued me. I think we were supposed to focus on the emotions with the Mother, (Earth) Jennifer Lawrence, but my eyes were fixated completely on Michelle Pfeiffer's extraordinary performance. She has always been beautiful, but she brought out some creepy, sexy, and very unsettling vibes/characteristics in her mannerisms, that I found myself squirming when she was on, which was pretty cool. The second half of the film has some very WTF moments, especially that of a baby being eaten, but I can't get too much into that. I rated this a 4/10 because of Michelle and Ed's performances and A for effort on Darren's part. Even though you can tell Jennifer Lawrence was trying to act, that was a problem. She's almost in every shot and her acting is not very subtle. All I saw was her TRYING to act. It didn't seem natural. Even scenes where she talks simplistically with her husband, it seems very campy. And especially when she was alone, I can't see many people making the faces she did even under the circumstances. She laid it on way too thick. I'm surprised after Natalie Portman's beautiful and haunting portrayal of a mentally disturbed ballerina in Aronofsky's "Black Swan" he didn't have Jennifer tone down the overacting. Unless maybe he wanted it to be a bit more campy? Yet Javier Bardem who I absolutely love was kind of sleepwalking throughout, so he was doing the opposite. And yes there's an age difference which wouldn't be a problem if there was any kind of chemistry between the 2 leads which there is NONE!

Whereas Michelle, her subtly acting came so naturally which is why I got more lost in 'Woman.' If you like a good horror film, this won't be one to watch. It's kind of all over the place with no happy ending. I'd say wait for Red Box on this one. And watch the last 45 minutes on an empty stomach because... yuck! I suspect Jennifer will be nominated since she is an award show darling, but I'm really hoping Michelle Pfeiffer gets recognized for her part in this film!