steelz Reviews

Clerks (2000–2001)

could have been a phenomenom...

[10 August 2003]

Clerks is one fantastic cartoon, which is why some fans of the film may have been turned off. I know I was at first. But by the third episode it was obivious that the creators wanted to make a CARTOON SERIES, not twenty minute segments of a sequel to the cult original. After this realisation my enjoyment increased ten-fold. The show looks great, with excellent animation and character design. The six stories are strong and contain great dialogue and set pieces. I love all of Kevin Smith's films, and this complements them perfectly, while still being it's own thing. The show could have (and should have) been huge, and if you need any more proof buy the dvd and see how the first six episodes of this cancelled series hold up to the first six episodes of the simpsons, south park or family guy.

The 'JAPANAMATION FEVER' set piece alone is worth the asking price!

Godzilla (I) (1998)

c'mon, it's Godzilla! what did you expect?!

[23 May 2001]

I am a huge Godzilla fan, ever since I first saw "The Return of Godzilla" (or Godzilla 1985 in America). I've seen all his films, and I think, then, I can give a review worth reading. Godzilla 98 may be a stinker to some, but as a G-fan it devlivered everthing I'd come to expect from a zilla movie: bad acting and a stupid plot. The main difference being the awsome Godzilla CGI and the movie's in English! **SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!*** The worst part for me was when they started looking for Godzilla's nest, effectively dropping Godzilla from the plot for half the movie. Not only that, but the baby Godzillas look more fake without the rain and darkness that masks Godzilla throughout the film. **END-O-SPOILERS-O!*** Despite it's bad reception, it deserves a sequel, as the only thing I felt was missing was a titanic battle between Godzilla and a powerful three headed dragon from space....or something. A movie like this would be far more interesting. SUMMERY: One of the better Godzilla movies, if only because of suprior special effects...3/5

Grand Theft Auto 2 (1999 Video Game)

The most dangerous game I've ever played!

[11 November 2000]

Ok, I will never, EVER imitate what happens in this action/driving game, but I have never been more tempted to speed a red light, steal a cop car or run over pedestrians for a laugh than after I've played GTA2. Personally, I think that this game is the perfect way to relax after being stuck in a traffic jam for hours on end, as it lets you do anything you shouldn't and get away with it...if you can lose the increasing number of cops that give chase!

GTA2 hasn't attracted as much media attention as its prequel, which just goes to show that GTA was the scapegoat of the games industry when it came out. What we have left is an addictive, long lasting and above all, FUN driving game where you have to gain respect from rival gangs, each of whom have a mortal enemy. Taking on jobs from one will affect how you play the game. For example, completing a mission for one gang will get you respect from that gang, but you'll lose respect from that gang's mortal enemy, and thusly not be offered any jobs (and driving through their neighbourhood would be a bad move).

The piéce de resistance are the massive cities that you race around. What makes the game so good is how busy and realistic they are, with hospitals, restaurants, police stations, sewage plants etc. etc. They are nothing if not believable. There are over 120 vehicles in the game (according to the blurb on the back of the box) each with their own handling, and with a quick visit to a garage you can add machine guns to the sides or arm it with a bomb. Some of them have special features like taxies which will attract paying civilians and tanks which roll right over SWAT vans and fire shells at your persuerers. Sometimes the chaos is awe inspiring, as the flames light up the screen.

Each 'job' is fun and hilarious, and they increase with difficulty throughout the game. The later missions will definately increase the lastabilty of what could have been a "one week" game. In one such mission, the Russian mafia requires food for it's members. The boss tells you to steal a bus and collect passengers. When you have enough, you take the loaded bus to the meat factory, where behind closed doors you hear the screeches of the "livestock" as they become fresh hot-dogs. Using a hot-dog van (naturally) you drop off the 'dogs at a resturant. Mission Complete! While guys like me love this kind of humour, some may find it not quite to their liking, and belive me, that was one of the tamer missions.

The only bad point about this game is that it costs points/money to save your game, so you don't really want to unless you've done 2-3 jobs in a row. This becomes repetitive if you don't have the time to do so. Other than that, make sure you don't lose the all-important map or you'll get lost very quickly!

I'd recommend GTA2 to anyone who has an unhealthy sense of humour and thinks that's it's better to kill in games than in real life. 9/10

Soulcalibur (1998 Video Game)

One of the most perfect games out there...

[1 October 2000]

In the 16th century, martial artists across the globe quest for a lengendary sword that may be either the ultimate weapon or a beacon of peace.

I can't really think of any other game, especially a beat 'em up, that can claim to be as perfect as Soul Calibur. Sure, some games are as exhillerating and exiting as this 99.9% of the time, but there is always that one bit you really can't stand. SC is different, because I just can't stop playing it! The first thing you notice is of course the graphics, which are so real they should be illegal. The fighter's clothes and hair are blown in the wind, the motion captured moves are jaw dropping and the backgrounds are beutiful beyond belief. The whole presentation is superb.

Now on to the fighting. The main reason I got this game was because, not owning a playstation, I'd not played a decent beat 'em up in years. I was worried that I wouldn't understand 3D combat (yes, I'm that old) and I knew that Namco was renowned for having too many fighters and moves in their games. Luckily I was wrong, wrong, wrong! There are LOTS of moves, but rather than memorising the finger crunching button sequences of lesser fighters, SC's moves are instinctive, as I was able to pick up and kick ass within seconds. My favorite aspects of the combat are personal preferences: 1) There are no 'fire balls,' as the fighting in SC is up close and personal. Most of the moves are belivable, with hardly any magical attacks. This is a breath of fresh air those who hate their opponent attacking from afar until the end of the round. 2) This is weapon combat. I LIKE FISTS TOO but this is the first time I've been able to take a weapon into battle (and not be forced to drop it because I was was hit). Sword fights are cool in film. They are now cool in games. Numchukkas, Samuris, Rods, they're all here. 3) No fixed combos. Normally if you want to connect a number of moves you need to remember a different button sequence. In SC, you have total control over what moves you use. You can create your own fighting style, and this creates a huge amount of satisfaction. So is that SC finished then? No way!

Sure there's the Arcade mode, but that takes about 5 minutes. The real meat of SC is the treasure trove of extras to unlock. Defeating arcade mode with each character unlocks a new fighter or arena, making you want to finish the game with each of the highly playable characters. However, 'Mission Battle' modes plays more like a story, with each level starting with small prologue and mission objective. Because this isn't a best of 3 battle now. Oh no. Each 'mission' has a different way of completion. This can be anything from defeating a set number of opponents to playing a bizzare game of 'tag,' with the person who's it losing health all the time. Why bother, you ask? Well, each time you complete a mission you get points. You can then use these points to 'buy' art cards in a special gallery. The gallery contains around 200 specially commissioned works, from character concepts to water colors, and I am often turning on the game simply to lose myself in the gallery, the fights taking a back seat. But there's more, as buying certain artworks open even more new extras including extra costumes, character profiles and specially choreographed martial arts demonstrations. You can even edit the game's intro movie! I could go on forever about the time attack, survival and team battle modes (it seems like I've been going on forever) but I think that it's time I draw this review to a close.

As my summery says, this game is perfect. I bought it 2nd hand for sixteen English pounds but I would have paid triple if I knew then what I know now. If you see it, buy it. Even if you hate beat 'em ups. I MEAN IT. Because if you play it and really think it's terrible you're an incredible person, and I'd like to meet you. It's a miracle that perfection can come this cheap.

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

The most enjoyable film I have ever seen!

[21 April 2000]

I would just like to say now that South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is my favourite film of all time. Okay, it may not be the best made or whatever but it is so damn entertaining and is one of the only films I could watch over and over again. It is the best animated film ever, the best musical ever and the best TV show to film transfer ever. It has to be seen to be believed.

The film focuses on the four main stars of the show: Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broslofski and Kenny McCormick who get into an R-rated film with their fave TV characters, Terrance & Phillip, in their debut feature film (sound familiar?). However, as soon as the film starts rolling, the swearing begins as well. Affected by the crude and inventive swearing from the Canadian duo, the young foursome begin to show off their new phrases but their mothers try to put a stop to it by focusing on the main source of the problem, Canada. Soon, war is waged on the Canadians and all hell is broken loose with the arrival of Satan and Saddam Hussein, who are partners in evil and love. Yes its crazy, yes its stupid but yes its also intelligent, satirical and damn funny.

The quality of the animation has improved due to the bigger budget. The characters appear more 3D than ever before and Kenny's descent into hell is so superbly dizzying and memorable due to the amazing computer generated fire and devil effects. At first, you may feel turned away by the inclusion of songs but each one is so catchy and brilliant. They really teach Uncle Walt what songs should be like in animated films. The lyrics are hilarious (you only have to listen to Terrance and Phillip's song and you will know that this is NOT a Disney film). The song 'Up There' could be used in your average kids film if it weren't for the fact that it is sung by Satan. The songs and music fill you with so much emotion, more than your usual Disney pap and are all perfectly taking the mickey (or should that be Mickey Mouse) out of it. 'Blame Canada' should have won Best Original Song Oscar and not Phil Collins and whatever rubbish he did in Tarzan.

Not all of the characters from the TV show make much of an appearance. You would think that Jesus and Damien would have more of a role in the Satan-Saddam relationship and the Mayor and Barbrady have nothing to say about what's happening to South Park, along with Pip but they only manage cameo roles. However, the new characters more than make up for it. Gregory really puts a spin on things for Stan, and Christof aka The Mole is one of the coolest characters in cinematic history ("Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger when I was still in ze womb?") and should make a reappearance on the TV show. It is also good to see that all characters get equal amounts of runtime due to their separate plot lines which create some great scenes. Stan has to cope with Wendy going out with Gregory, Kyle has to stand up to his crazed mother, Cartman's V-Chip electrocutes him whenever he utters an obscenity and Kenny (who gets loads more runtime as he is almost the main character) needs to alert his friends that Satan and Saddam are coming to take over the world. The celebrity guest voices are great too, especially the E.R. rip-off with George Clooney. And don't forget to catch Kenny's Goodbye at the end. By the final 'Mountain Town' reprisal you will be wanting more, though you know that watching it all again instantly will be too much but the film is so addictive and the scenes and songs so catchy and memorable you just have to watch it again and again. Even now I feel like sticking it into the video machine and watch it again but I know I shouldn't. Oh, and check out the most bizarre post-credits sequence in movie history featuring Ike.

Overall this is a truly brilliant film which deserves more attention. It is a fun film to watch and its humour may be not to everyone's taste but I think everyone should see it regardless of anything (actually, maybe that's not such a good idea).

Mousehunt (1997)

They don't make 'em like this anymore...

[16 April 2000]

This is the definitive family movie of the ninties, if not the 20th century! It is extreamly rare for a family (well, mine at least) to come out of the theatre and unanimousley agree that a movie was brilliant. (Not even Speilberg can accomplish this). The story seems like a hybrid of Home Alone and Babe: two brothers must vacate a mouse from a valuable house they inherited from their late father, but they soon discover that it's not gonna go without a fight. However, this is not the usual weak humored ultra-violent cringe fest that we all know and hate. By removing the cute (scratch that: annoying) kid and hiring an extreamly talented cast (the two leads are hilarious, and Christopher Walken gives, perhaps, his greatest performance) the director has created a film that WILL BE ENJOYED BY ALL AGES. Just like The Matrix was a live action Manga film, Mouse Hunt becomes a live action Tom and Jerry movie, without having to resort to sickly sweet sentementality. (Ok, well maybe a little bit). I dare you to see this movie and NOT be won over by it's witty humour and outrageos slapstick.

Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)

Brilliant all the way through

[4 March 2000]

Hardly any films are consistently brilliant all the way through, but in Grosse Pointe Blank, there is not one aspect that could have been improved. It is so refreshing to watch a movie where action set pieces, the comedy and the romance are all as watchable as each other. You may never use the fast forward button on your remote while watching this, and few other films can boast THAT. Class.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Double Feature!

[4 March 2000]

This film reminds me of the double features they had in cinemas of the 50s. The 'A' movie is a stylish heist/kidnapping movie, where two brothers on the run from the law highjack a camper van and order it's owners to take them across the border to Mexico. The script is so obviously by Tarintino, and he and Clooney have a great time looking cool while Keitel and his 'children' flex their acting muscles. When they arrive at a bar after avoiding the police, the 'B' movie begins. This involves about 45 minutes of chaotic gore, where vampires, bats and satanic rats terrorise the leads and any biker who has wandered into the 'Titty Twister.' But why?

I admit, that this twist is totally unexpected (if you don't read the box) but the vampire section is poorly done and seems to be there just to give the special effects guys a job. Limbs fly, blood gushes, but you spend the time wondering what the script writers were thinking when they wrote this. I look forward to a director's cut when the Gecko brothers finish their drinks and leave in the morning, relatively un-bitten.

Total Recall (1990)

Awe inspiring action!

[3 February 2000]

Paul Verhoeven delivers another ulra-violent sci-fi action movie, and it is perhaps his best. Arnie plays Douglas Quaid, a construction worker in the year 2084. Tired by life on Earth he buys an artificial memory of a trip to Mars (now populated). Unfortunately, this unlocks memories of a past life, when he was a secret agent tying to stop the tyrannical Vilas Cohaagen from crushing the Martian rebels. As Cohaagen's goons give chase, Quaid desperately tries to find out who he is, why he's on Earth, and how he can put an end to Cohaagen's dictatorship forever. This movie never has a dull moment. Apart from the last seconds of dialogue it's perfect, and it's definitely not lacking in the action department as each punch and gunshot wound looks and sounds horrific. The martian landscapes are awe inspiring (despite looking like scale miniatures) and the plot twists leave you wondering if Quaid is inside the memory he paid for, or is really "--an invincible secret agent from Mars, victim to an interplanetary conspiracy to make him think he's a lowly construction worker." All these points and more make Total Recall worth adding to your collection.

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Head-rolling, stomach-churning fun!

[31 January 2000]

This is Burton at his purest. Johnny Depp, Danny Elfman composing, a dark and Gothic setting; everything is present and correct. Visually stunning with top notch special effects and good performances all round, it is not quite menacing enough but still a darkly comic fantasy that will satisfy Burton fans and gore hounds as well as the average movie goer. Ray (Darth Maul) Park's exceptional swordplay and Christopher Walken's malevolent horseman are worth noting too. 'Bloody' Brilliant!

Death Race 2000 (1975)

A tasty slice of low-budget, high-octane black humour!

[31 January 2000]

In the future, five contestants speed across America to get the fastest time and the highest number of human casualties. What originally sounds like a sick joke, is in fact a tasty slice of low-budget, high-octane black humour! The acting is all equally corny, sometimes unintentionally so, but it never detracts from the fun. This film is so original, so unbelievable and so enjoyable that you have to see it before you DIE!