A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV Series)

The Vile Village: Part 1 (2018)

Neil Patrick Harris: Count Olaf

Quotes 

• Count Olaf : There's only one taxi driver I know who cares about obeying the law.

• Esmé Squalor : I feel like dancing.

  Count Olaf : You didn't feel like "dancing" last night.

  Esmé Squalor : Well, I had a headache last night.

• Olivia Caliban : What was the poem? The one that you memorised on your way to VFD headquarters.

  [Jacques gets out a notebook] 

  Olivia Caliban : [reading from the notebook]  "When you drive away in secret, you'll be a volunteer."

  Jacques Snicket : "So don't scream when we take you..."

  Olivia Caliban , Jacques Snicket : "The world is quiet here."

  Count Olaf : Poetry? You'll stop at nothing to make me talk.

• Count Olaf : I thought having prisoners would be fun, but it's like having a pet or an in-law. You can lock them up, then you have to feed them.

• Count Olaf : I do not want one more speck of dust invading the nostrils of the nose of the woman I love.

  Esmé Squalor : You know I love it when you talk about my mucus membranes.

  Count Olaf : I'm not sure which I love more, your membranes or your mucus.

• Count Olaf : I'd offer you tea but they're all sweet and fruity.

  Jacques Snicket : Sweet and fruity doesn't count as tea and your scheme is equally dismissable.

• Count Olaf : You're that school librarian!

  Olivia Caliban : That was a long time ago.

  Count Olaf : Er, it wasn't that long ago. It was actually just, like, a few...

  Jacques Snicket : [interrupting]  The jig is up, Olaf!

• Count Olaf : Welcome to the Firehouse Saloon, folks! I have extremely pricey beverages, which ya hafta pay cash fer.

  Jacques Snicket : I'll take a tall glass of justice on the rocks. With a garnish of your-wicked-schemes-stop-here.

  Count Olaf : [turning to face him]  We're all out. But I can pour you a double shot of you'll-never-take-me-alive.