- Lemony Snicket: All over the world, people tell themselves that doing chores is useful. Just as they tell themselves that an apple is as delicious as a cookie or that television is an important cultural art form.
- Lemony Snicket: There are many expressions to describe someone who's going about something in the wrong way. "Making a mistake" is one way. "Screwing up" is another, although it is a bit rude. And, "Attempting to rescue Lemony Snicket by writing letters to a congressperson instead of digging an escape tunnel" is a third way, although it is a bit too specific.
- Esmé Squalor: I feel like dancing.
- Count Olaf: You didn't feel like "dancing" last night.
- Esmé Squalor: Well, I had a headache last night.
- Klaus Baudelaire: What's going on?
- Man in Plaid Pants: Count Olaf's just been captured!
- Violet Baudelaire: What did he say?
- Mrs. Morrow: He said Count Olaf's been captured!
- Klaus Baudelaire: What did you say?
- Mr. Poe: She said Count Olaf's just been captured!
- Violet Baudelaire: Mr Poe, what are you doing here?
- Mr. Poe: I'm running with this crowd!
- Olivia Caliban: What was the poem? The one that you memorised on your way to VFD headquarters.
- [Jacques gets out a notebook]
- Olivia Caliban: [reading from the notebook] "When you drive away in secret, you'll be a volunteer."
- Jacques Snicket: "So don't scream when we take you..."
- Olivia Caliban, Jacques Snicket: "The world is quiet here."
- Count Olaf: Poetry? You'll stop at nothing to make me talk.
- Olivia Caliban: He just made a left-hand turn without signalling.
- Jacques Snicket: That man's villainy knows no bounds!
- Mr. Poe: Sir, in the name of the law, would you please expose your left ankle to the crowd?
- Jacques Snicket: Little racy for a family show, but sure.
- Count Olaf: I thought having prisoners would be fun, but it's like having a pet or an in-law. You can lock them up, then you have to feed them.
- [first lines]
- Lemony Snicket: [narrating] If the story of the Baudelaire orphans was is a car trip, it would be unpleasant, uncomfortable, and interminably long.
- Arthur Poe: [cut to Arthur's car] I must say, this car trip has been interminably long. Who knew the hinterlands were so far away.
- Hook-Handed Man: I like this new chief of police!
- Bald Man: She's very attractive.
- Henchperson Of Indeterminate Gender: I admire her for her capabilities.
- Count Olaf: I do not want one more speck of dust invading the nostrils of the nose of the woman I love.
- Esmé Squalor: You know I love it when you talk about my mucus membranes.
- Count Olaf: I'm not sure which I love more, your membranes or your mucus.
- Count Olaf: I'd offer you tea but they're all sweet and fruity.
- Jacques Snicket: Sweet and fruity doesn't count as tea and your scheme is equally dismissable.
- Count Olaf: You're that school librarian!
- Olivia Caliban: That was a long time ago.
- Count Olaf: Er, it wasn't that long ago. It was actually just, like, a few...
- Jacques Snicket: [interrupting] The jig is up, Olaf!
- Count Olaf: Welcome to the Firehouse Saloon, folks! I have extremely pricey beverages, which ya hafta pay cash fer.
- Jacques Snicket: I'll take a tall glass of justice on the rocks. With a garnish of your-wicked-schemes-stop-here.
- Count Olaf: [turning to face him] We're all out. But I can pour you a double shot of you'll-never-take-me-alive.