Golan the Insatiable (TV Series)

Deer Uncle Gerald (2014)

Mary Mack: Dylan Beekler

Quotes 

• Dylan Beekler : [yawns]  Good night, Golan.

  Golan : Don't forget to say your prayers.

  Dylan Beekler : [eagerly]  As you wish, Master!

  Dylan Beekler : [kneels next to the bed]  Oh, Mighty Golan, feared be Thy name. May Your Reign of Terror rain down upon the innocent and stupid. Also, may You eviscerate all believers, non-believers, and the undecided, especially Mackenzie B.

  Golan : And?

  Dylan Beekler : Oh, and impregnate their livestock. Amen.

  Golan : Amen. Now turn on the white noise machine.

  [Dylan does so. Shrieks and screams emit from the device] 

  Golan : Ahh, so soothing.

  [Dylan tucks Golan into the bed, then curls up into the pet bed on the floor at its foot] 

• Dylan Beekler : [waking up in the car]  Wha- what's going on?

  Dylan Beekler : [wide awake]  What? Where are you people takin' me!

  Richard : Honey, do you remember great uncle Gerald?

  Dylan Beekler : No, but he sounds like a child molester.

  [Richard rolls his eyes] 

  Carole Beekler : Dylan! That was uncle Leonard

  Carole Beekler : [chuckles]  and it was all in Thailand, so it's legal.

  Richard : The point is, uncle Gerald loved you very much, but he's no longer with us.

  Dylan Beekler : Where the hell is he?

  Alexis Beekler : Use your context clues, stupid! He's dead!

  Richard : Your sister's right. Uncle Gerald's in Heaven now. We're on the way to the funeral.

  Dylan Beekler : Awesome! My first funeral? Yes! I'm finally gonna see a dead body!

• [Dylan checks the giant throne tied to the top of the car for Golan, but is aghast to discover he's not there!] 

  Dylan Beekler : Oh no, Golan fell off his throne *again*!

• Golan : [answers the phone]  Alexis, thank god! Of only one of the Beeklers survived I hoped it would be you. And if not you, then I guess Carole, then Richard... then the couch.

  Dylan Beekler : Golan, it's me, Dylan, your underslave.

  Golan : [flatly]  Oh, Dylan, hey. You're alive. Yay. How do you make bacon?

• Dylan Beekler : [throws open the Leech Lake Funeral Home doors]  Dead body time! Yeah, where's the body? I wanna see the body!

  Gerald's Widow : [rolls up]  This must be little Dylan.

  Gerald's Widow : [pinches cheek]  Oh, isn't she adorable.

  Dylan Beekler : [slaps hand away]  Roll aside, hag! I've got a date with uncle Gerald's carcass.

  Dylan Beekler : [inside, to funeral director]  Uh, excuse me? Where's the body?

  Priest Funeral Director : [Scandinavian accent]  These are your uncle Yerald's remains. He was cremated.

  Dylan Beekler : What, they burned the body?

  Priest Funeral Director : Jah.

  Dylan Beekler : What did I even come here for?

  Priest Funeral Director : It is true. Funerals are a lot more fun when there is a body. But this is what Gerald wanted: a boring funeral.

• Priest Funeral Director : [eulogizing in Scandinavian accent]  Uncle Yerald was beloved by many, including his boring wife, his boring daughter...

  [Alexis receives a text from Greg: "I'm on my way!"] 

  Alexis Beekler : [whispering]  Dylan, if you happen to see me making out with the boxed-wine guy later, don't tell Keith.

  Dylan Beekler : I don't care what you do. God, Alexis, you're nothing to me.

  Priest Funeral Director : Tomorrow morning, in accordance with Yerald's boring wishes, we shall spread his boring ashes all over his favorite boring bass fishing lake. And all are invited to come.

• [Dawn outside the No-Tell Motel, Dylan meets with Golan] 

  Golan : You got the stuff?

  Dylan Beekler : I swapped the ashes with the coffee in this can.

  Dylan Beekler : [seeing the young deer on a leash]  Is that the vessel?

  Golan : This fuzzy little guy? No, this is world-famous Chef Kawazaki. He's trying to get me to invest in a chain of sushi-pizza restaraunts. Sounds like a terrible business model to me, but I what do I know? I didn't go to chef-business school like Chef Kawazaki.

  Golan : [pissed]  Of course it's the vessel, you idiot! Now feed it uncle Gerald's ashes!

  [Dylan takes the lid off the coffee can and offers it to the deer, which eats] 

  Dylan Beekler : Aren't you gonna to say one of your spells or somethin'?

  Golan : Eh, this is more of a magic-bellow situation.

  [wind kicks up around them as Golan's eyes turn red and he roars deeply] 

• [last lines] 

  [the priest funeral director empties Gerald's urn into the lake] 

  Golan : [loudly sing-song]  Bor-rrring!

  [Golan laughs, sitting at the back of the boat, his massive form causing the bow to rise high into the air] 

  Carole Beekler : [softly]  Richard, I think it was very magnanimous of you to invite Golan into the boat.

  Richard : [sotto voce]  Honestly, do I even have a choice?

  Dylan Beekler : Nope, he's family now. Right, Golan?

  Golan : Whatever. I'm over it already.