- [first lines]
- [Dylan is trimming Golan's toenails with bolt cutters, with difficulty]
- Golan: [groans] Squeeze harder. Put some muscle into it.
- [Dylan opens the cutters wide and snaps them shut. The nail is suddenly cut and goes flying through the wall into Alexis's bedroom, narrowly misisng her and embedding into the wall behind her bed]
- Alexis Beekler: Ahh! You jerks ruined my sexy selfie!
- Dylan Beekler: [yawns] Good night, Golan.
- Golan: Don't forget to say your prayers.
- Dylan Beekler: [eagerly] As you wish, Master!
- Dylan Beekler: [kneels next to the bed] Oh, Mighty Golan, feared be Thy name. May Your Reign of Terror rain down upon the innocent and stupid. Also, may You eviscerate all believers, non-believers, and the undecided, especially Mackenzie B.
- Golan: And?
- Dylan Beekler: Oh, and impregnate their livestock. Amen.
- Golan: Amen. Now turn on the white noise machine.
- [Dylan does so. Shrieks and screams emit from the device]
- Golan: Ahh, so soothing.
- [Dylan tucks Golan into the bed, then curls up into the pet bed on the floor at its foot]
- Dylan Beekler: [waking up in the car] Wha- what's going on?
- Dylan Beekler: [wide awake] What? Where are you people takin' me!
- Richard: Honey, do you remember great uncle Gerald?
- Dylan Beekler: No, but he sounds like a child molester.
- [Richard rolls his eyes]
- Carole Beekler: Dylan! That was uncle Leonard
- Carole Beekler: [chuckles] and it was all in Thailand, so it's legal.
- Richard: The point is, uncle Gerald loved you very much, but he's no longer with us.
- Dylan Beekler: Where the hell is he?
- Alexis Beekler: Use your context clues, stupid! He's dead!
- Richard: Your sister's right. Uncle Gerald's in Heaven now. We're on the way to the funeral.
- Dylan Beekler: Awesome! My first funeral? Yes! I'm finally gonna see a dead body!
- [Dylan checks the giant throne tied to the top of the car for Golan, but is aghast to discover he's not there!]
- Dylan Beekler: Oh no, Golan fell off his throne *again*!
- Carole Beekler: Dylan, I know you're upset, but this is an opportunity for some quality family time. Plus, there's some pretty neato roadside attractions along the way, like The World's Largest Box of Wine.
- Richard: Fun fact: I heard that the boxed stuff is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.
- Alexis Beekler: Wha? Ah! I wanna go there! Stop the car, pull over!
- Golan: [answers the phone] Alexis, thank god! Of only one of the Beeklers survived I hoped it would be you. And if not you, then I guess Carole, then Richard... then the couch.
- Dylan Beekler: Golan, it's me, Dylan, your underslave.
- Golan: [flatly] Oh, Dylan, hey. You're alive. Yay. How do you make bacon?
- Richard: You know, I- I read that boxed wine is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.
- Carole Beekler: Is that true?
- Greg: I dunno.
- Greg: [to Alexis] I just fish out the dead rats.
- Greg: [giving Alexis a cup and filling it] Shh.
- Alexis Beekler: [giggles, slurring] Greg, you're such a bad boy.
- Golan: Why do you have a picture of Alexis on your phone? Did *you* kidnap her?
- The Mayor: No, I follow all the teenage girls in town on Instagram, see?
- Golan: Wait, there's something in the background here. Enlarge! Enhance! Magnify!
- The Mayor: Oh, yeah sure. Just let me- I'll zoom in there. Oh shoot, I hearted it.
- Alexis Beekler: Dad! The Mayor's liking my selfies again!
- Dylan Beekler: [throws open the Leech Lake Funeral Home doors] Dead body time! Yeah, where's the body? I wanna see the body!
- Gerald's Widow: [rolls up] This must be little Dylan.
- Gerald's Widow: [pinches cheek] Oh, isn't she adorable.
- Dylan Beekler: [slaps hand away] Roll aside, hag! I've got a date with uncle Gerald's carcass.
- Dylan Beekler: [inside, to funeral director] Uh, excuse me? Where's the body?
- Priest Funeral Director: [Scandinavian accent] These are your uncle Yerald's remains. He was cremated.
- Dylan Beekler: What, they burned the body?
- Priest Funeral Director: Jah.
- Dylan Beekler: What did I even come here for?
- Priest Funeral Director: It is true. Funerals are a lot more fun when there is a body. But this is what Gerald wanted: a boring funeral.
- Priest Funeral Director: [eulogizing in Scandinavian accent] Uncle Yerald was beloved by many, including his boring wife, his boring daughter...
- [Alexis receives a text from Greg: "I'm on my way!"]
- Alexis Beekler: [whispering] Dylan, if you happen to see me making out with the boxed-wine guy later, don't tell Keith.
- Dylan Beekler: I don't care what you do. God, Alexis, you're nothing to me.
- Priest Funeral Director: Tomorrow morning, in accordance with Yerald's boring wishes, we shall spread his boring ashes all over his favorite boring bass fishing lake. And all are invited to come.
- Golan: Okay, Richard, before you debase yourself with a heartfelt apology for forgetting me, this is Paul. He drove me up here so you owe him $370.
- Richard: Golan, no, uh, we didn't forget you. We left you behind on purpose.
- Golan: [stammers laughing] Why would you do that?
- Richard: Because this is a family event and you... are not... family.
- Golan: Whoa, wait a minute. You don't think of *me* as family?
- Richard: No, I don't. Family's supposed to be there for each other, to help each other. Can- can you name one thing you've ever done for me?
- Golan: Uh, your wife. Ha ha ha ha.
- Golan: [puts arm around Richard] No, I get your point, Richard. It just hurts is all.
- Richard: Now if you don't mind, I'd really like to get back in there with my *family* and try to say goodbye to my uncle Gerald.
- [Dylan sits by a window. A small rock hits the window. And another. And then a squirrel]
- Golan: [faintly, outside] Dylan! It's me! Golan! The Insatiable!
- [Dawn outside the No-Tell Motel, Dylan meets with Golan]
- Golan: You got the stuff?
- Dylan Beekler: I swapped the ashes with the coffee in this can.
- Dylan Beekler: [seeing the young deer on a leash] Is that the vessel?
- Golan: This fuzzy little guy? No, this is world-famous Chef Kawazaki. He's trying to get me to invest in a chain of sushi-pizza restaraunts. Sounds like a terrible business model to me, but I what do I know? I didn't go to chef-business school like Chef Kawazaki.
- Golan: [pissed] Of course it's the vessel, you idiot! Now feed it uncle Gerald's ashes!
- [Dylan takes the lid off the coffee can and offers it to the deer, which eats]
- Dylan Beekler: Aren't you gonna to say one of your spells or somethin'?
- Golan: Eh, this is more of a magic-bellow situation.
- [wind kicks up around them as Golan's eyes turn red and he roars deeply]
- [Richard is scat-singing in the shower when he hears someone enter the room]
- Richard: Carole, is that you? Have you tried this conditioner? It's citrus.
- [Richard pulls aside the curtain revealing the deer staring at him in the face]
- Richard: What the-?
- [behind it in the doorway are Golan and Dylan]
- Golan: Hi, Richard. This deer is great uncle Gerald. Now you can say your goodbyes. So, you're welcome.
- Richard: [exclaiming] Are you insane?
- Golan: No, I'm family.
- [Golan pulls the door closed, hard. The deer, spooked, rears up...]
- Richard: No!
- [... bleats and attacks Richard, stomping on him with its forehooves]
- Richard: N-n-no! Get off me!
- Golan: [as Richard continues to scream] Aw, would you listen to that? Dylan, I think we did a good thing here today - giving Richard a chance to say goodbye. I wish I'd said goodbye to my father before I killed him, and ate all four of his hearts. We're good people.
- [last lines]
- [the priest funeral director empties Gerald's urn into the lake]
- Golan: [loudly sing-song] Bor-rrring!
- [Golan laughs, sitting at the back of the boat, his massive form causing the bow to rise high into the air]
- Carole Beekler: [softly] Richard, I think it was very magnanimous of you to invite Golan into the boat.
- Richard: [sotto voce] Honestly, do I even have a choice?
- Dylan Beekler: Nope, he's family now. Right, Golan?
- Golan: Whatever. I'm over it already.