Golan the Insatiable (TV Series)

Deer Uncle Gerald (2014)

Matt Silverstein: Richard

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dylan Beekler : [waking up in the car]  Wha- what's going on?

  Dylan Beekler : [wide awake]  What? Where are you people takin' me!

  Richard : Honey, do you remember great uncle Gerald?

  Dylan Beekler : No, but he sounds like a child molester.

  [Richard rolls his eyes] 

  Carole Beekler : Dylan! That was uncle Leonard

  Carole Beekler : [chuckles]  and it was all in Thailand, so it's legal.

  Richard : The point is, uncle Gerald loved you very much, but he's no longer with us.

  Dylan Beekler : Where the hell is he?

  Alexis Beekler : Use your context clues, stupid! He's dead!

  Richard : Your sister's right. Uncle Gerald's in Heaven now. We're on the way to the funeral.

  Dylan Beekler : Awesome! My first funeral? Yes! I'm finally gonna see a dead body!

• Carole Beekler : Dylan, I know you're upset, but this is an opportunity for some quality family time. Plus, there's some pretty neato roadside attractions along the way, like The World's Largest Box of Wine.

  Richard : Fun fact: I heard that the boxed stuff is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.

  Alexis Beekler : Wha? Ah! I wanna go there! Stop the car, pull over!

• Richard : You know, I- I read that boxed wine is just as good as the bottled stuff these days.

  Carole Beekler : Is that true?

  Greg : I dunno.

  Greg : [to Alexis]  I just fish out the dead rats.

  Greg : [giving Alexis a cup and filling it]  Shh.

  Alexis Beekler : [giggles, slurring]  Greg, you're such a bad boy.

• Golan : Okay, Richard, before you debase yourself with a heartfelt apology for forgetting me, this is Paul. He drove me up here so you owe him $370.

  Richard : Golan, no, uh, we didn't forget you. We left you behind on purpose.

  Golan : [stammers laughing]  Why would you do that?

  Richard : Because this is a family event and you... are not... family.

  Golan : Whoa, wait a minute. You don't think of *me* as family?

  Richard : No, I don't. Family's supposed to be there for each other, to help each other. Can- can you name one thing you've ever done for me?

  Golan : Uh, your wife. Ha ha ha ha.

  Golan : [puts arm around Richard]  No, I get your point, Richard. It just hurts is all.

  Richard : Now if you don't mind, I'd really like to get back in there with my *family* and try to say goodbye to my uncle Gerald.

• [Richard is scat-singing in the shower when he hears someone enter the room] 

  Richard : Carole, is that you? Have you tried this conditioner? It's citrus.

  [Richard pulls aside the curtain revealing the deer staring at him in the face] 

  Richard : What the-?

  [behind it in the doorway are Golan and Dylan] 

  Golan : Hi, Richard. This deer is great uncle Gerald. Now you can say your goodbyes. So, you're welcome.

  Richard : [exclaiming]  Are you insane?

  Golan : No, I'm family.

  [Golan pulls the door closed, hard. The deer, spooked, rears up...] 

  Richard : No!

  [... bleats and attacks Richard, stomping on him with its forehooves] 

  Richard : N-n-no! Get off me!

  Golan : [as Richard continues to scream]  Aw, would you listen to that? Dylan, I think we did a good thing here today - giving Richard a chance to say goodbye. I wish I'd said goodbye to my father before I killed him, and ate all four of his hearts. We're good people.

• [last lines] 

  [the priest funeral director empties Gerald's urn into the lake] 

  Golan : [loudly sing-song]  Bor-rrring!

  [Golan laughs, sitting at the back of the boat, his massive form causing the bow to rise high into the air] 

  Carole Beekler : [softly]  Richard, I think it was very magnanimous of you to invite Golan into the boat.

  Richard : [sotto voce]  Honestly, do I even have a choice?

  Dylan Beekler : Nope, he's family now. Right, Golan?

  Golan : Whatever. I'm over it already.