Rick and Morty (2013– )

Justin Roiland: Rick Sanchez, Morty Smith, Morty, Rick, Additional Voices, Mr. Poopybutthole, Evil Morty, Council of Ricks, Albert Einstein, Ants in My Eyes Johnson, Baby Legs, Blips & Chitz Announcer, Blob Alien, Call Centre Alien #3, Cromulons, Doofus Rick, Dream Aliens, Evil Rick, Eyeholes Man, Fake Door Salesman, Garbage Goober, Gazorpazorpfield, Glenn, Greebybobe, Green Alien, Lumberjack, Meeseeks, Mr. Meeseeks, Noob Noob, PA System, Tophat Jones, Two Brother Movie Announcer

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Quotes 

• Rick : Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!

• Morty : Parents are just kids having kids.

• Therapist : Why didn't you want to come here?

  Rick : Because I don't respect Therapy. Because I'm a Scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the World I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an Agent of Averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a Pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...

• Morty : Don't run. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

• Rick : When you realise nothing matters, the universe is yours.

• Rick : Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don't get that.

• [repeated line] 

  Morty : Oh, geez.

• Rick : I hate to bust your bubble Morty, but love is a chemical reaction that compels animals to mate. It hits hard, then slowly fades leaving you floundering in a failing marriage. Break the cycle, Morty! Focus on science.

• Rick : You're going to play that move? You have a Holiday called Ricksgiving! Kids learn about me at School!

  Zeep : I dropped out of School, it's not a place for smart people.

  Morty : Oooh, snap!

• Rick : When Smart people get happy they stop recognising themselves.

• Rick : Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a Pickle!

• Rick : I put a Spatially Tessellated Void inside a modified Temporal Field until a Planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity! Which they now generate on a Global Scale and some of it goes to powering my engine and charging my phone and stuff.

  Morty : You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's Slavery!

  Rick : It's society! They work for each other, Morty, they pay each other, they get married and have children to replace themselves when they're too old to make power.

  Morty : That just sounds like Slavery with extra steps!

  Rick : Ooh la la! Someone's going to get laid in College...

• Rick : The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.

• Rick : Oh, well, I can't cure death.

• Rick : The answer is don't think about it.

• Rick : Good pitches, kids, I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.

  Insectoid 1 : Mr President, the blemphlark's value just dropped to nothing!

  Insectoid 2 : What do you mean?

  Insectoid 1 : I mean our single centralised Galactic currency just went from being worth one of itself to being worth zero of itself.

  Insectoid 2 : Calm down people! Deploy the Galactic Militia and declare martial law.

  Insectoid 3 : Yes sir! What shall I pay them with?

  Insectoid 4 : Their payment will be the honour they feel to serve... wait a minute, who's paying me to yell at this guy?

  Insectoid 1 : I can answer that, for money!

  Insectoid 2 : Gentlemen! There's a solution here you're not seeing.

  [Shoots himself] 

• Rick : I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.

• Rick : Hey, Jerry, are you in here being stupid?

• Rick : Life is made of little concessions.

• Rick : Morty, you're leading the Tree People?

  Morty : We have no leaders, we merely follow The Will of the Forest!

  Rick : Oh, okay. GAAAAAY!

  Zeep : That is pretty gay.

• Rick : And that's why I always say Shlum-Shlum Shlippity-dop!

• Morty : Jeez Rick, what the Hell, I liked her!

  Rick : Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet there, Morty, trust me.

  [whispers] 

  Rick : Puffy Vagina!

  Morty : What's wrong with that?

• Rick : That's the way the News goes.

• Morty : Wow, hey, look you guys, the sun's rising!

  Sun : AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

• Rick : Thanks, Mr Poopy Butthole. I always could count on you.

• Kyle : It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the Temporal Field I'll be able to interact with any Sentient Life that evolves and then introduce them to the wonders of Electricity via a Pulley-based Device I call a Bloobleyank. But what they won't know is...

  Zeep : You'll be taking most of their energy, yeah, yeah I get it.

  Rick : It's showtime.

  Zeep : You do realise this will make the Flooblecrank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle! What you're doing is wrong! You're basically...

  [Rick mimes along] 

  Zeep : This is slavery, you're talking about creating a Planet of Slaves.

  Rick : Told you, Zeep.

  Kyle : Oh, they won't be slaves, they'll work for each other, and pay each other money...

  Zeep : That just sounds like... slavery... with extra steps.

  [Rounds on Rick] 

  Rick : What?

  Zeep : Wait a minute, did you create my Universe? Is my Universe a Miniverse?

  Rick : Microverse!

  Kyle : I prefer teenyverse.

  Zeep : [Flicks off Rick's antennae]  You bastard!

  [Rick takes Zeep's mask and they fight] 

  Zeep : Much obliged!

  Kyle : What the Hell is happening?

  Morty : Ah, this is Healthy, trust me.

  Rick : You're my battery mother****** that's all you are! I made you! Your microverse sucks and your miniverse is the size of a ******* lobster tank! It's Wack!

  Kyle : Are they not really Aliens?

  Morty : Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists. You know?

  Kyle : So he made a Universe, and that guy is from that Universe, and that guy made a Universe, and that's the Universe where I was born? Where my Father died. Where I couldn't make time for his Funeral because I was working on my Universe?

  Morty : Ha ha ha, yeah! Science huh? Ain't it a thing? You know one time Rick shot his laser pistol right through my hand? I mean, you know, like Old Lady Science! You know, she's a real, you gotta hang on tight, you know, because she bucks pretty hard! Oh my God, no!

  [Kyle drives his craft into a Cliff and it explodes] 

• Rick : [Drunk]  Are you a simulation Morty?

  Morty : What?

  Rick : [knife at his throat]  Are you a simulation Morty? Are you, you little bitch?

  Morty : No!

  Rick : Are you a simulation Morty?

  Morty : Ahh!

  Rick : Are you a simulation Morty?

  Morty : No!

  Rick : Ah right. Sorry Morty. You're a good kid. You're a good kid Morty.

  [Falls asleep] 

  Morty : What the Hell? Oh God! What a life...

• Rick : Lick-lick-LICK MY BALLS!

• Rick : It might eat brains and exhale space AIDS!

• Rick : I'm trying to repair the Portal Gun with Sex Doll parts and I have to do it one-handed!

• Brad Anderson : Perhaps you should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a daily basis, but I channel it into my work.

  Morty : Strange, I didn't get any sense of that from Marmaduke.

  Brad Anderson : Well, did you get the sense I was trying to make you laugh?

• Rick : We killed a Vampire and a Gym Teacher! Talk about two for one, right?

• Beth Smith : I'm running out of excuses not to be who I am, so who am I?

  Rick : You want my advice? Take off, put a saddle on your universe, let it kick itself out.

• Rick : Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

• Rick : Great, now I have to take over a whole Planet because of your Stupid Boobs!

• Rick : Oh so we're supposed to sleep every night, now? Do you realise that nighttime is like half of all time?

• Rick : There, would you even know that isn't Earth?

  Morty : Well yeah, because there's no Africa!

  Rick : White people problems...

• Morty : Can you fly a Black Hawk?

  Obama : Can the Pope's Dick fit through a Donut?

  Morty : I'm not sure.

  Obama : Exactly!

• Voice Over : Today, on How they Do it: Plumbuses. First, they take the Dinglebop and they smooth it out with a bunch of shleem. The Shleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the Dinglebop and they push it through the Grumbo. Where the Fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the Fleeb is rubbed because the Fleeb has all of the Fleeb juice. Then a Schlamie shows up and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the Fleeb, there are several hizzards in the way. The Blamphs rub against the Chumbles. And the Plubis and Grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular old Plumbus.

  Rick : I always wondered how Plumbuses got made.

• Rick : I've got news for you Morty, School's a waste of time, a bunch of people running around bumping into each other and then someone stands up and says 2+2 and then you go and have a sandwich and someone gives you a piece of paper that says you can go and take a shit. It's not a place for Smart people.

• Rick : I don't use color to sort things because I'm not a mouse in a European children's book.

• Rick : What is the opposite of Wubba Lubba Dub Dub?

• Morty : Lambs to the Cosmic Slaughter!

• Rick : Keep your hands off your Dingdong! It's the only way we can speak freely!

• Morty : This is proof that Mr Lunis is not who he says he is.

  Principal Vagina : He's not a Guidance Counsellor?

  Morty : I'm sure he's qualified to be one. Who isn't?

• The Contact Jodie Foster : We have so much to learn from you.

  Rick : I know, right?

  [disappears] 

• Morty : Save it for YouTube.

• Rick : I'm not paying 70 Smidgeons for a Broken Defrackulator!

• Rick : The trick to incepting is making people think that they came up with the idea.

• Morty : There's Snakes in Space?

  Rick : There's Literally Everything in Space!

• Rick : I'm sorry, Summer, your opinion means very little to me.

• Rick : Oh, what have we got here? A bunch of people with their faces stuffed in Computers? Don't you realise that Christ was born today? Don't you realise that Christ our Saviour was born today? WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?

• Rick : I see what's going on here, you're both young and uncertain about your place in the Universe.

• Morty : You people are the fucking worst, your Gods are a lie, fuck you, fuck Nature and fuck Trees!

  [Teleports out of there] 

• Rick : Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?

• Rick : [Zardoz Head appears]  The plot thickens...

• Plutonian : Is everyone in your Family an Idiot?

  Morty : For sure me and my Dad are!

  Plutonian : Haaahhhh...

• Toy Morty : Show me the Morty!

  Rick : Dumb!

• Rick : Big Star in the Sky, Oxygen Rich Atmosphere, Giant Testicle-Monsters, we'll be fine let's Party!

• Rick : If you spend all day shuffling words around you can make anything sound bad, Morty.

• Rick : That's Earth therapy! You might as well ask a horse to fix a merry-go-round!

• Rick : Every Hospital has a Doctor they say is the best Doctor in the Galaxy.

• Rick : Ball Fondlers?

  Summer Smith : I could go for some Ball Fondlers.

• Rick : Here we go. Collapsed a Quantum Tesseract...

• Morty : [Minecraft]  You can make this wood into a Chest.

  Rick : Good, then I'll have somewhere to store all this wood I need for Chestmaking!

  Morty : You're not going to have fun if you analyse everything.

• Rick : I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.

• Rick : Oh, boy. Morty, time to go!

  Morty : Where?

  Rick : The Pentagon. Well, not The Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth...

• Rick : That's planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.

• Rick : You're going to have to harness your repressed rage.

  Morty : I don't have any!

  Rick : Spoken like someone with repressed rage...

• Rick : How do you feel about all the people who are getting killed today because of your choices?

• Rick : Check the Engine Room! We just need Caesium, Plutonic Quarks and Bottled Water!

• Rick : Genius happens in the moment, Morty.

• Rick : Preying mantises are the opposite of voles, Morty. They decapitate and eat their mates after mating, Morty. There's no love there at all...

• Beth : [Morty Jnr's book is called "My Terrible Father"]  It's a thankless task, Morty. You did the best you could.

  Morty : ...I hope he's eating enough.

• Rick : Run Morty! That asshole's willing to risk everything he has in order to defeat me! He's Psychotic!

• Jerry Smith : This holiday is supposed to be about humanity!

  Morty : I thought it was about being born half-god or something...

• Rick : Fun is fun. But who needs it?

• Rick : [overrun by vengeful Alternate Mortys]  Come on! Do it! Do it, you little bastards!

• Rick : Don't touch that, it's beyond your reason!

• Rick : [alternate]  I'm not going to tell you these are going to increase in value, Jerry, or even hold their current value. They have value to you, that's what matters.

• Rick : Nice, Morty! The Student has become the Teacher.

• Rick : There are Suicide Capsules in all of your Teeth! Do what you want with that.

• Rick : We're going to live in the woods, like libertarians.

• Rick : The Council apologises for the false accusation.

• Rick : Fuck this noise.

• Rick : Nothing you think matters, matters.

• Rick : [drunk, flying his craft]  I had to do it, Morty, I had to make a bomb.

  Morty : Oooh! A bomb?

  Rick : Gonna drop it down there, Morty. Get a fresh start.

• Morty : Selling a gun is the same as pulling the trigger!

  Rick : It's also the same as doing nothing. If Krombopulous wants someone dead badly enough, he'll find a way.

• Rick : A tiny Nuclear Capable civilisation was just discovered in the Amazon. Let's go make First Contact before someone gets all their shit!

• Rick : You want me to show my math? Are you the scientist or the kid who wanted to get laid?

• Rick : They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty.

• Morty : Was that a movie or does it clean stuff?

• Morty : Booyah! Who wants to be my Pussy of a Dad today?

• Rick : Stay where you are, Jerry, the killbots are live and I've taken you off the whitelist.

• Rick : There's nothing dishonest going on here, now slap on these antennae these people need to think we're aliens.

• Morty : Pirates of the Pancreas?

  Rick : You got a problem with that?

• Rick : Cosmic Apotheosis wears off faster than Salvia.

• Rick : This is my old friend Reuben.

  Reuben the Homeless Mall Santa : PEARL HARBOUR!

• Rick : Wait for the ramp, Morty! They love that slow ramp, really gets their Dicks hard. Right down to the ground, there.

• Rick : [saving the Planet]  Head bent over! Raise that posterior!

• Mathmos Space Nurse : What are you doing?

  Rick : A sequel.

  Mathmos Space Nurse : I don't understand.

  Rick : Me neither.

• Summer : Wait! Can't you see you're all the same?

  Morty : Oh, Summer! First Race War?

• Rick : [runs through a Dimension of Large Farting Buttocks and Toilet Rolls] 

• Rick : [runs through a Dimension of little purple Dodo-thingies] 

• Rick : Put your left foot forward and your right foot back then slide around like on a Nordic Track.

• Rick : Murmur it up, D-Bags!

• Morty : We've got a job for you, Hephaestus!

• Morty : What's happening, Professor Poopy Butthole?

• Morty : If you let me remember some of these mistakes, I might not make so many of them.

• Rick : You know who likes Dragons, Morty? Nerds who won't admit they're Christian!

• Rick : I don't like the look of this giant fight chamber.

• Rick : This isn't how I thought I'd die. This isn't Venice and you're not a dwarf in a red raincoat.

• Rick : Get that aluminum, Morty! It's eight percent of the earth! We'll need every atom!

• Rick : I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty!

• Mr Nimbus : We shall discuss terms. Term Number 1: I am King of the Ocean!

  Rick : The Place I shit? Go ahead...

• Rick : Morty, come here! I need you for some bullshit.

• Mr. Nimbus : So, are you ready to sign on the dotted line?

  Rick : Sure, get it over with.

  Mr. Nimbus : And who is your witness? My witness is the squid...

• Rick : Morty that's great, you bought me something? You stared into the bloodied jaws of capitalism and said more, please? I'm proud of you!

• Morty : Why am I butter?

• Morty : What about my Beard and Unborn Child?

  Previous Leon : Let them go!

• Morty : Can't get nothing past the Chicken Bone Lady...

• Morty : You just don't want me happy because then I'll stop doing your stupid chores!

• Rick : The best Parent is Evolution.

• Rick : She died the way she lived, Overserialised.

• Morty : Okay, Narnia, let's go! Let's fucking go!

• Rick : Measure twice cut once, especially with Semen.

• Rick : Connery plays the Spaniard and doesn't do a thing about his accent!

• Rick : Touch my Shit and Die!

• Summer Smith : We'll have to work as a Team.

  Morty : Some people would call that Family.

• Morty : Listen, today I woke up ashamed and disgusted to be your son. And then you did something that made you look like a loser...

  Jerry : There's no more, is there, Morty?

  Morty : Nope, now stop fucking up and let's do this.

• Rick : See ya later, Masturbators!

• Rick : We're Missing the Mark on Diversity.

• Rick : You don't have to say Penis each time!

• Rick : Culture really screwed you, huh?

• Mr Nimbus : I AM MR NIMBUS!

  Rick : He's gonna say that a lot...

• Rick : You're wondering why I'm old and naked.

• Rick : Bye, don't blow up my Planet!

• Rick : [Hurrying Morty]  C'mon! Haste makes waste!

• Rick : This is how it ends, Morty. Bear it with Grace...

• Morty : Put it in your Blog!

• Rick : [Social Engineering]  The Therapists are getting bored, we need to increase their supply of Incest-Porn!

• Rick : So you thought I'd drive you into the centre of the Galaxy and shove you into Vacuum of Space with your Dick hanging out?

• Morty : Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!

• Rick : I can't talk right now, Sweetie.

  Beth : When can you?

  Rick : Good point...

• Morty : I'm a teenager and I've got a Computer in here. If you're going to barge in like that you're going to see some shit.

• Rick : [Citidel Cop]  We're on a Production Line too, only ours is Justice...

• Morty : [Staring Almost Certain Death in the Face. Finally phones his Crush] 

• Rick : Global Warming's already doing that! But go ahead, make us slightly more wet...

  Mr. Nimbus : Am I a joke to you?

• Morty : Sometimes you have to be an Asshole. My Grandpa taught me that.

• Cookie Magneto : [Neato]  I AM COOKIE MAGNETO!

  Morty : Do you control Cookie Ingrediants?

• Rick : I can't help if I can't see.

• Morty : Yes, Sir, kind Sir! I hear your Call to Adventure!

• Rick : What, are you gonna "Aw geez" me to Death?

• Rick : I hate his voice...

• Rick : The Answers turned on me, Morty. We gotta go!

• Rick : The only way out is through this Giant Vat of Whale Semen.

• Rick : Don't Grift a Grifter, Morty! I have friends in Cosmic places...

• Morty : It's okay to lie when you're fighting Multiple Sclerosis!

• Morty : Maybe stop giving me guns?

  Rick : Or do it less ambiguously! Way ahead of you...

• Morty : Those things can die? I thought he was Cosmic!

• Morty : [Cuato]  Open your Mind!

  Rick : See? Morty gets it...

• Rick : It's over, The Pope!

• Rick : That sounds like something you should tell your therapist.

  GI-man : I don't believe in therapy!

  Rick : What does that even mean?

  The President : He's a Scientologist.

  Rick : What? Don't worship Space-Jesus, it's lame! Sorry. Worship how you want.

• Rick : Pack a Parka, Morty, we're going to Norway! Or I could augment your skill with subdermal heaters...

• Morty : I'm not killing you, again! I'm desensitised! I took some kind of test at school, and they had to call Homeland Security!

• Rick : Pack a Parka, Morty, we're going to Norway! Or I could augment your skin with subdermal heaters...

• Rick : Your sidequests don't matter.

• Rick : Or... family means nothing! But don't play that card.

• Rick : Negative Visualisation, Jerry, it kind of explains a lot about where you're at.

• Rick : Shut Up, Amish Cyborg!

• Rick : [kills two hundred squirrels] 

• Rick : [saved from certain death by another Antihero]  And that's why you don't go to therapy!

• Rick : Oh I say, Good Sir! Harumph! A-pop-a-dop-a...

• Morty : Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!

• Rick : [saving the Planet]  Shit on the Floor! It's time to get Shwifty in here! I'm Mr Bulldog...

• Morty : I'm sick of these crazy insane adventures! That was too traumatising! I'm out!

• Rick : [whispers]  Jubbajubbajubbajubba?

  Summer : Ok, let's do it!

• Rick : If I know these A-holes, and I am these A-holes, they just want to haul me to their clubhouse and waste my time with a lot of questions.

• Rick : You're making a bigger deal out of this than it is.

• Rick : Stone Cold, Steve Austin! I don't know what that means, I don't know why I said that. But, I stand by it. Stone Cold, Steve Austin!

• Rick : Therapists, man.

  Beth : Weird Breed.

• Rick : You know what, Morty? That was all a test. An elaborate test to make you more assertive.

  Morty : Really?

  Rick : Yeah, whatever.

  [Falls asleep] 

  Neutrino Bomb : Countdown alert!

• Rick : So any of your Scientists working on anything New?

  Microverse President : Yes. That is what they are supposed to do.

  Rick : No, I mean like a tiny Universe?

• Rick : Trade secret, Mr President. Disintegration ray on my watch. Snake holster strapped to the leg.

  The President : Ha! I love this guy!

• Rick : Go on in, Bird Guy, have fun!

• Rick : Nobody gets me...

• Rick : That's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me.

• Morty : I'm losing it, Rick!

• Morty : Here's what I think of your Crystals, Rick!

  [throws the rest of the Khalaxian Crystals outside, and the Testicle Monsters get them] 

  Rick : Oh Morty, you idiot! Does anyone have any more K-Lax?

• Rick : Somehow it feels better now people are watching!

  [Social Facilitation, as per Zajonc & Zajonc; Rick should already know this] 

• The Garage : David Miscavidge on Line One?

  Rick : HANG UP!

• Morty : You have Spaceships and Magic Ladies?

• Rick : Who's got three dots on their forehead, now?

• Rick : You're just a Nutritionist!

  Therapist : When you've worked in Nutritionism as long as I have...

• Morty : There's Spaghetti in that?

  Rick : Theoretically, yes.

• Spaghetti Planet President : How long does it take for a Society to Collapse?

  Rick : Let's find out!

• Morty : Did you have a Euthanasia Chamber... just ready to go?

  Rick : It's just a place!

• Rick : Cells consume, Morty. Life itself is wrong, which means Death is right. But you can't side with that, so you Live... .

• Morty : Oh, wow, another Adventure where I went up an Ass!

• Evil Morty : That's what I get for talking to you, instead of killing you!

• Morty : [to Evil Morty]  Did we switch Shirts?

• Beth Smith : Where are my kids?

  Rick : Merged.

  Beth Smith : That doesn't answer my question, and raises several others.

• Morty : I'm not a Fearologist!

• Traffiker : I'll never tell you anything!

  Rick : So... you know, then?