Family Guy (TV Series)
Yug Ylimaf (2012)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Seamus, Carter Pewterschmidt, Dr. Hartman
Photos
Quotes
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Stewie Griffin : Trust me you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways.
Brian Griffin : [Tail wagging] Like what?
Stewie Griffin : Just, well, write down however you think you're talented and I'll sign it.
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Doctor Hartman : [Looking into Lois' open legs as she's ready to give birth] I think I can hear the ocean. And smell it too.
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Brian Griffin : [Looking at Stewie's notebook] Come on math, you dick.
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Lois Griffin : There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin : What are you talking about?
[she picks him up and puts him on the changing bed]
Stewie Griffin : What's going on?
Brian Griffin : I think you're getting a diaper change.
[in the reversed time, Lois takes the fresh one off, and the dirty one jumps into her hand from the trash bin]
Stewie Griffin : Ahh! Get that poop-filled thing away from me! NO! Oh, god, it's cold!
Lois Griffin : [putting him back on the ground] Whew! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.
Stewie Griffin : Damn right I do! Now get this turd-filled sack off... oh, my god, it just went back in my body.
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Lois Griffin : Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.
Stewie Griffin : Yeah, whatever you're doing, it's working. You should see the way I have to pick up chicks.
[cut to a bar; he runs up to a group of women]
Stewie Griffin : Hi.
[he runs away giggling]
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Brian Griffin : [returning from a time-travel trip] Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Muncha.
Girl #2 : Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says "Property of Stewie Griffin"?
Brian Griffin : Uh, well, I-I...
[sighing]
Brian Griffin : All right, to be completely honest, and because we've already had sex, it's not mine. I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea. In fact, he'd kill me if he knew.
Girl #2 : Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "years traveled"?
Brian Griffin : What thing?
[she points it out, and he sees he's traveled across 10,918 years]
Ferris Bueller : [breaking the fourth wall] Here's where Brian goes berserk.
Girl #2 : [Brian yells like Cameron does in the movie] Look, it's no big deal. Just reverse it and take off the miles. That's what I do when I take my dad's car out.
Brian Griffin : Are you... are you 16?
Girl #2 : I will be next September.
Brian Griffin : Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.
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Peter Griffin : [Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital] Well it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.
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Brian Griffin : Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time. H-How is this even possible?
Stewie Griffin : Well, clearly, when you attempted to reverse the gauge on my time machine, you somehow released a quantum shockwave powerful enough to push the flow of time in the opposite direction. I can only surmise that you and I were isolated from its effects because we were inside the machine at the moment of temporal inversion. Are you... are you sleeping?
Brian Griffin : [with his eyes closed, waking up] Huh? No, no, I... no, I was listening.
Stewie Griffin : What kind of jerk alters time and then falls asleep?
Brian Griffin : Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it?
Stewie Griffin : Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before. I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal.
[cut to him in front of a blank white background]
Stewie Griffin : Face.
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Brian Griffin : Hi, there.
Cindy : Hi. I'm Cindy. The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me.
Brian Griffin : Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence. Brian.
Man in Bar : [interrupting] Hello, there, sexy.
Brian Griffin : Do you mind? We were having a conversation.
Man in Bar : My house has 8,000 square feet, zero bookshelves.
Cindy : Wow, that's impressive.
Brian Griffin : I'm a writer, published twice.
Man in Bar : I own a cinder block yard. Have over 12,000 cinder blocks. If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price.
Cindy : Thank you.
Brian Griffin : I-I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world.
Man in Bar : Come have sex with me. My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done.
Cindy : Okay.
Brian Griffin : [they start to leave] Wait!
[thinking quickly]
Brian Griffin : I have a time machine.
Cindy : You do?
Brian Griffin : Yeah, you wanna see it?
Cindy : Yes, I want to see it!
Brian Griffin : [leading her out] Better luck next time, pal. Some people got moves, others don't. Been that way forever.
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Cindy : Why do you keep a sleeping baby in your time machine room?
Brian Griffin : I-I don't know. My decorator's terrible.
Cindy : [ending up at Ford's Theater in 1865] Where are we?
Brian Griffin : Ford's Theater, April 14, 1865.
Cindy : Ooh, Valentine's Day. How romantic.
Brian Griffin : Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.
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Stewie Griffin : [woken from sleep by his time machine fritzing] Brian, what the hell are you doing in here? What's happening to my time machine?
Brian Griffin : I-I don't know, man. I-I saw Meg leaving a minute ago going "Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha", but I-I don't know.
Stewie Griffin : [watching it continue to malfunction] Oh, my god, it's having a complete meltdown!
[running inside to try and fix it, they're thrown back out of it and knocked unconscious]
Brian Griffin : [waking up the next day] What happened?
Stewie Griffin : I don't know.
[seeing the damaged machine]
Stewie Griffin : Dear God, my time machine!
[running inside and coming out with a pair of women's underwear]
Stewie Griffin : You, uh... you want to tell me about this?
Brian Griffin : See? I told you it was Meg.
Stewie Griffin : I don't think so. The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track.
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Stewie Griffin : Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine.
Brian Griffin : Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward.
Stewie Griffin : It's not designed to go backward, Brian. The question is, how am I going to fix it?
[looking out the window]
Stewie Griffin : What the hell?
[seeing everybody outside moving in reverse]
Stewie Griffin : Dear God, everything's moving backward.
Brian Griffin : What? What are you talking about?
Stewie Griffin : I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.
Brian Griffin : Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that even mean? I don't get it.
[looking out the window, he sees Mort Goldman take a penny out of his pocket, put it on the ground, and walk away in reverse]
Brian Griffin : Okay, now I get it.
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Stewie Griffin : You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!
Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, they're not all bad.
Stewie Griffin : Oh, yes, I've seen the women you bring home. That stutterer? She was a real prize.
[cut to Brian and his date having dinner with Peter and Lois]
Lois Griffin : How are you enjoying your meal?
Girl #3 : L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.
Peter Griffin : [standing and going to the thermostat] Oh, for cryin' out loud.
Lois Griffin : Peter, why are you turning up the heat again?
Peter Griffin : Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.
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Brian Griffin : Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter?
Stewie Griffin : Oh, you smell that? He's passed-out drunk. Does no one in this house have any dignity?
Peter Griffin : [as time reverses, he flies off the bed and starts getting dressed] Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.
[he backs down the stairs and into the car, then drives off, his drunk-driving damage repairing itself, including a boy on a bicycle he hit]
Stewie Griffin : Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor.
Brian Griffin : I'm not so sure about that.
Mr. Herbert : ["chasing" the boy in reverse] Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer!
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Lois Griffin : If your happy and you know it clap your hands
Stewie Griffin : Fuck you
Lois Griffin : If your happy and you know it clap your hands
Stewie Griffin : Eat shit
Lois Griffin : If you're happy and you know it in your face will surely show it if you're happy and you know it clap your hands
Stewie Griffin : Dumb cunt