Daniela Denby-Ashe: Janey Harper

Quotes 

• Janey Harper : Alfie, have you been sitting there since last night?

  Alfie Butts : I couldn't sleep. I've been wrestling with my conscience.

  Janey Harper : Why am I picturing two Smurfs in a ring?

• Alfie Butts : You see, things have been going well with Gwyneth, the girl I've been seeing. But then, yesterday I saw... the one that got away.

  Janey Harper : Isn't that what sheepdogs are for?

  Alfie Butts : I am talking about Tamsin, my very first love.

  Janey Harper : Yeah, my question, isn't that what sheepdogs...

  Alfie Butts : Janey, please! Tamsin is about to cancel her wedding to be with me. The problem is I'm in love with Gwyneth too. So, if I say yes to Tamsin, I ruin a marriage and I break Gwyneth's heart. But if I say no, then maybe I'm saying no to my one chance of true happiness. So what do I do?

  Janey Harper : Well, for starters, can you put it up on a blackboard? It's a bit complex!

• Alfie Butts : It's really simple, Janey - Gwyneth or Tamsin?

  Michael Harper : Oh, not the two girl thing again!

  Janey Harper : Michael, when you manage to get one girl, we'll ask your opinion about two!

  Michael Harper : You know, if I wasn't so hungover, I would... have a really clever reply to that!

• Michael Harper : Have you noticed mum and dad acting a bit weird?

  Janey Harper : Only since I came out of the womb!

• Janey Harper : Look, Alfie, there's one thing I've learned about relationships and it's a hard lesson to learn. Some people go a whole lifetime without learning it - and believe me, I went through a lot of heartbreak before I finally learnt it myself.

  Alfie Butts : So what is it?

  Janey Harper : [Thinks]  No. Sorry, it's gone!

• Alfie Butts : So, now you know who each of you are, that should make things slightly less awkward. Despite Janey having decided to join us.

  Tamsin : Look, Alfie. I know Gwyneth is your girlfriend. But when I saw you the other day, it only made me more uncertain about marrying Steve.

  Janey Harper : Oh... tricky scenario!

  Alfie Butts : Yes, thank you, Janey.

  Tamsin : I promise you, the last thing I want to do is come between you and... and Gwyneth.

  Janey Harper : Yeah, right!

  Tamsin : I mean it! Because I do love Steve - maybe all this is just pre-wedding jitters. But Alfie, we've known each other since we were kids...

  Gwyneth : [Clears throat] 

  Tamsin : ...So I know when you're truly happy and when... Oh, look, if you want me to go, I'll go right now and I'll marry Steve and I'm pretty sure I'll be happy too!

  Janey Harper : This girl is good!

  Tamsin : Sorry, who are you again?

  Janey Harper : Sweetheart, I'm the girl you never want to go up against!

  Tamsin : And your boyfriend is where?

  Alfie Butts : [Stops Janey from confronting Tamsin]  Whoa, whoa! Janey, could you go in the kitchen and find something to do that lasts about half an hour?

  Janey Harper : Like what?

  Alfie Butts : Oh, let's see... You have a head, there's an oven...

• Janey Harper : Ooh, Alfie! Alfie, Alfie, Alfie, Alfie, Alfie... Look, I've finally remembered that piece of advice I meant to give you! OK, never ever break up with one person when the other person is still in the room, or you might lose them both!

  Alfie Butts : [Gives Janey an angry look - he was dumped by Gwyneth and Tamsin at the same time moments earlier] 

  Janey Harper : Er... I'm too late, aren't I?