- Alfie Butts: Move in with me!
- Gwyneth: What?
- Alfie Butts: I'm serious! Move in with me! I'm a valued member of this family now! They love me! Mr Harper?
- Ben Harper: Hmm?
- Alfie Butts: How would you feel about Gwyneth moving in?
- Ben Harper: Great! She can have your room! Nice knowing you, Alfie!
- Susan Harper: [On hearing Michael is seeing a therapist] Maybe... maybe we should go and talk to this therapist.
- Ben Harper: Maybe not. Maybe I should sort out this problem with a little father-son chat.
- Susan Harper: Did it occur to you that your father-son chats may have put him there in the first place?
- Ben Harper: You spoil him!
- Susan Harper: You're hyper-critical!
- Ben Harper: You're overbearing!
- Susan Harper: You're emotionally constipated!
- Susan Harper: Ben, do you remember the time we used to ask about each other's days and actually care about the answer?
- Ben Harper: I say yes here, don't I?
- Susan Harper: I'm serious.
- Ben Harper: Yes, of course I remember. I remember coming home from work and no matter what sort of day I had, you'd spend ages asking me how it went and I'd... I'd do the same for you.
- Susan Harper: God, those conversations used to drag!
- Susan Harper: Ben, do you think we're becoming too safe as a couple? Too predictable?
- Ben Harper: Speak for yourself! I'm a lone wolf; a maverick; a wildcard! I don't play by society's rules, baby, because... You're making crumpets? Ooh!
- Susan Harper: Why can't you just admit it? We're both settling into a comfortable...
- Ben Harper: Don't! Don't say middle age!
- Susan Harper: Middle age? Since when do people live to 110?
- Susan Harper: Big night, Mikey?
- Michael Harper: Yeah. Going for a curry with the guys after my therapist appointment, so I'll probably see you tomorrow.
- Susan Harper: Your what?
- Michael Harper: My psychotherapist appointment.
- Susan Harper: You're seeing a therapist?
- Michael Harper: Dr Twelvetree. He's great. See you!
- Susan Harper: [pause] Wow, I did not see that coming!
- Ben Harper: Yeah, Twelvetree's a weird name, isn't it?
- Alfie Butts: Gwyneth, there's something I'd like to ask you.
- [Kneels by the sofa]
- Alfie Butts: Would you, erm...
- Gwyneth: [Thinking he is going to propose to her] Yes! Yes, I will! Wait - I should let you ask properly!
- Alfie Butts: OK. Would you help me shift the sofa? I think I kicked the remote under here earlier!
- Gwyneth: [Finds an old postcard] Who's Nick?
- Alfie Butts: A mate of mine! Really nice guy!
- Gwyneth: [Reads postcard] Dear all, having a great time in South America. PS If someone called Alfie Butts shows up claiming to be a mate, under no circumstances let him stay...
- Alfie Butts: [Snatches postcard from her] Haha! I knew I should have burned that!
- Ben Harper: Still thinking about Mikey, aren't you?
- Susan Harper: How can you tell?
- Ben Harper: Oh, I don't know. Just 28 years of marriage... and that book's upside down.
- Ben Harper: Look, I can help Mikey without sitting on a couch listening to some doctor droning on all day!
- Susan Harper: What did you so instead?
- Ben Harper: Sat on the sofa watching Quincy!
- Janey Harper: Alfie, have you been sitting there since last night?
- Alfie Butts: I couldn't sleep. I've been wrestling with my conscience.
- Janey Harper: Why am I picturing two Smurfs in a ring?
- Alfie Butts: You see, things have been going well with Gwyneth, the girl I've been seeing. But then, yesterday I saw... the one that got away.
- Janey Harper: Isn't that what sheepdogs are for?
- Alfie Butts: I am talking about Tamsin, my very first love.
- Janey Harper: Yeah, my question, isn't that what sheepdogs...
- Alfie Butts: Janey, please! Tamsin is about to cancel her wedding to be with me. The problem is I'm in love with Gwyneth too. So, if I say yes to Tamsin, I ruin a marriage and I break Gwyneth's heart. But if I say no, then maybe I'm saying no to my one chance of true happiness. So what do I do?
- Janey Harper: Well, for starters, can you put it up on a blackboard? It's a bit complex!
- Alfie Butts: It's really simple, Janey - Gwyneth or Tamsin?
- Michael Harper: Oh, not the two girl thing again!
- Janey Harper: Michael, when you manage to get one girl, we'll ask your opinion about two!
- Michael Harper: You know, if I wasn't so hungover, I would... have a really clever reply to that!
- Michael Harper: Have you noticed mum and dad acting a bit weird?
- Janey Harper: Only since I came out of the womb!
- Janey Harper: Look, Alfie, there's one thing I've learned about relationships and it's a hard lesson to learn. Some people go a whole lifetime without learning it - and believe me, I went through a lot of heartbreak before I finally learnt it myself.
- Alfie Butts: So what is it?
- Janey Harper: [Thinks] No. Sorry, it's gone!
- Susan Harper: So, what do we do now?
- Ben Harper: I've got an idea. I've got an idea. Now come on... Let me think... I know! I know! We'll go and see the therapist!
- Susan Harper: Wow! Who'd have thought of that? Oh, wait - me, yesterday!
- Ben Harper: No, no, no! No, no! Wait, wait, wait! We go to see the therapist together!
- Susan Harper: Oh, wow! Who'd have thought of that? Oh, wait - me, yesterday!
- Susan Harper: Well, I'm not hanging around for two weeks to find out what's wrong with our son!
- Ben Harper: Why not?
- Susan Harper: You'd rather wait until he puts on a wedding dress and sets fire to the house?
- Ben Harper: OK. Good point.
- Susan Harper: We have to think of something, Ben!
- Ben Harper: Hide the wedding dress and buy a smoke alarm!
- Ben Harper: OK! Come on! Come on! You think of something and I'll go with your solution!
- Susan Harper: Fine! Get me a crow bar!
- Ben Harper: He's our son, Susan! I mean, hitting him over the head is a bit harsh!
- Susan Harper: I meant, we're going to break into the surgery tonight.
- Ben Harper: [Sarcastic] Of course we are! Brilliant! Why don't we forget the crow bar and get some nitroglycerine? Or we could dig a tunnel from downstairs?
- Alfie Butts: So, now you know who each of you are, that should make things slightly less awkward. Despite Janey having decided to join us.
- Tamsin: Look, Alfie. I know Gwyneth is your girlfriend. But when I saw you the other day, it only made me more uncertain about marrying Steve.
- Janey Harper: Oh... tricky scenario!
- Alfie Butts: Yes, thank you, Janey.
- Tamsin: I promise you, the last thing I want to do is come between you and... and Gwyneth.
- Janey Harper: Yeah, right!
- Tamsin: I mean it! Because I do love Steve - maybe all this is just pre-wedding jitters. But Alfie, we've known each other since we were kids...
- Gwyneth: [Clears throat]
- Tamsin: ...So I know when you're truly happy and when... Oh, look, if you want me to go, I'll go right now and I'll marry Steve and I'm pretty sure I'll be happy too!
- Janey Harper: This girl is good!
- Tamsin: Sorry, who are you again?
- Janey Harper: Sweetheart, I'm the girl you never want to go up against!
- Tamsin: And your boyfriend is where?
- Alfie Butts: [Stops Janey from confronting Tamsin] Whoa, whoa! Janey, could you go in the kitchen and find something to do that lasts about half an hour?
- Janey Harper: Like what?
- Alfie Butts: Oh, let's see... You have a head, there's an oven...
- Ben Harper: Oh, great! What are you going to do? Pole vault into the filing cabinet?
- Susan Harper: [Grabs coat rack to try and break into the cabinet] Brute force is what's needed here!
- Ben Harper: Is that any good to you?
- Susan Harper: Be quiet! What?
- Ben Harper: Is this any good?
- Susan Harper: Oh, you'll never prise it open with that! It's way too small!
- Ben Harper: Susan, this is the key!
- Susan Harper: [Ben is about to open Michael's therapy file] I don't think this is a very good idea.
- Ben Harper: It was *your* idea.
- Susan Harper: Think about it, Ben. The moment we open that file, we cross a line from which we can never return. Not only is it an invasion of privacy, it's a betrayal of trust.
- Ben Harper: I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're saying. And you're making absolute sense.
- Susan Harper: Thank you.
- Ben Harper: And you know when it would have made even more sense?
- Susan Harper: [Thinks] Before we got stuck in here?
- Ben Harper: Bingo!
- Janey Harper: Ooh, Alfie! Alfie, Alfie, Alfie, Alfie, Alfie... Look, I've finally remembered that piece of advice I meant to give you! OK, never ever break up with one person when the other person is still in the room, or you might lose them both!
- Alfie Butts: [Gives Janey an angry look - he was dumped by Gwyneth and Tamsin at the same time moments earlier]
- Janey Harper: Er... I'm too late, aren't I?
- Michael Harper: If you wanted to know why I was seeing a therapist, you only had to ask! Do you really want to know why I went? Well, I'll tell you. Sit!
- Ben Harper: Oh, God! He's going to tell us!
- Michael Harper: 'm taking... a class.
- Susan Harper: What?
- Ben Harper: Hmm?
- Michael Harper: Our psychology lecturer just thought it would be a good idea for us to see how patients get treated! Good night! Oh, and, er, stay out of my room!