"Suchkind 312" is a German television film from 2007. This is another version of a movie that was made in the 1950s already, so really during the time it is set, and it is based on a book. Well, I guess the good nes is that pretty much everybody who was part of the 50s movie in one way or another was dead by 2007 and the original writer wwas not alive anymore either, so they did not have to witness what a horrible outcome we have here. I have not seen the old version (yet), but there is no way it could be worse than this new adaptation. It is just a mess from beginning to end. Now you probably wonder why I say that you should watch this film in the title of my review, bit in the exact same title you also have the answer. It is the most unintentionally funny film I have seen in a long time. There are so many moments and segments and scenes that were supposed to be highly dramatic, but it is really hilarious how the complete absence of not just talent, but effort as well, make this a true guilty pleasure. I will elaborate on some of the scenes I am talking about soon, but let's stay with the basics first. The director is Gabi Kubach and there is not much to say about her. She has worked on several films that were rarely even mediocre, so the outcome here is not a surprise. Admittedly she is not as much to blame as the two writers, who were not exactly experienced when they made this film, but had worked on other stuff together already. So they were a team, that much is safe. And they also hit rock bottom as a team here. The writing is an insult really. And they got the one actress here in Germany, maybe on the planet even, who effortlessly turned said incult into a true abomination because she is even less talented than Beck and Eifler, the writing duo. I am of course speaking of Christine Neubauer, the actress who always managed to turn every film she is in into utter failure due to her complete lack of talent, range and versatility. She makes up for all this by going full ham every single scene and as the writers were "smart" ennough to turn almost every scene into an emotional rollercoaster for the female protagonist, this film is something you will maybe never see again looking at how extremely horrible it is, but also how extremely funny it is at the same time.
I am honestly trying to forget these 1.5 hours as quickly as possible, but I will still mention a few examples. First of all, there is no way she could 100% say that the girl on the photo is her daughter. But of course, she is such a caring and smart mother that she knows immediately and of course she is right. As always with Neubauer in her movies, we are supposed to like her and feel for her. Embarrassing stuff really. And as if this wasn't bad enough already, the girl's father at the exact same time recognizes the girl as her daughter too. By the way, the girl and the father were thought to be dead by Neubauer's character. Another truly realistic coincidence we have here. Actually two major coincidences. Okay, you already guess what happens next. Neubauer's character has to fight throughout the movie to be allowed to have contact with her daughter. Just out of nowhere, another woman shows up and she says that it is actually her daughter. More fake drama. Hilarious stuff really. Also how the daughter at the orphanage is told that everybody else has no parents either. And she gets 2 (almost 3) out of nowhere. And the daughter knows of course at least one parent is still alive because she feels it. Hey, she has Neubauer's character's genes right? Everything is possible. Anyway, more failure from Neubauer: The flashback sequences in the first half. The emotional scenes when we see Neubauer's character lose her daughter on the train back then were just an abomination. Those weren't funny either. Just really an insult to everybody who really lost a child or a parent during these critical days of WWII. But what was funny because it really lacked any effort were the following less serious flashback scenes that are about Neubauer's character meeting the daughter's father. She is supposed to be 10 years younger in these scenes. Guess what? She looks exactly the same as she does in the now. But maybe you did not recognize how much the make-up and costume department sucked here as well if you only paid attention to Neubauer's abysmal line delivery while she is narrating during these flashback sequences. Okay, more nonsense: The moment her husband finds out about the other child is also the moment when Neubauer's character is finally found by her "true love". Exactly this moment. When she tells her spouse that the other man is dead. Boom. He shows up at the door. And he brought flowers too. By the way, where was he when the husband says goodbye to the business partner. Anyway, this scene I just mentioned also results in neubauer's character falling to the ground. She does so a lot during this movie actually. Also if you take a look at the stairs scene towards the end almost. I will not lie. I wanted the character to die during this scene. Of course she doesn't though. I mean Neubauer is chubby enough to soft-land. Oops am I allowed to say that? I mean Neubauer has made a career of many years, decades actually, built on the idea that the fact that she is not as thin as most others and nothing else tricked millions of people into thinking she as attractive and she has acting talent. I mean the former is up to discussion. I personally don't think so at all, but the latter is really so obvious that everybody who thinks this lady can act must be suffering from serious issues. As for the looks, people just tend to believe something when they see and hear it often enough and of course Neubauer's characters in all her movies have relationships with fairly attractive men, often much younger than herself. The art of make-believe. Just tell a lie a 100 times and eventually people will accept it as truth. Also Neubauer was how old back in 2007? 45? Approximately. And yet we are supposed that her husband wants to make another child with her. It's the 1950s... That scene when she just wanted to tell him something and she (like a boss, oh what a self-confident woman she is!) orders the maid to stay outside because there was something completely different on her mind than intercourse.
There were really so many horrible moments in this movie that I can't mention them all (also the near car accident e.g) within the character limit. But I will give you some more. The ending is the best example too. Of course, it is 100% happy. The husband realizes he lost because his (ex-)wife is such a strong woman and mother with deep feelings for both her children that he let her get away with it. It makes no sense to everything he did before. Also cringeworthy how they were building him up as the main antagonist. They really used the cheapest tricks there. Just take the incredibly cheesy schmaltzy quote between her and her lover that life makes no sense if he does not return from war. This quote is referenced several times, but I was already ready to throw up the first time I heard it. But back to the husband: Let's be neutral for once. His wife does not tell him she has/had another child. Nice. After he finds out eventually because she has to tell him and even says to her that he will stay with her, which definitely is not to be taken for granted during that time, he tells her that he wants no more lies. Guess what. At that point, she already knew her lover, the father of the girl, was still alive. Does she tell him? Nope. Took her long for the next lie, didn't it? At least she goes and confesses it all to her friend immediately after. And when it comes out, then she still has the audacity to go up the stairs to her son's room and say that he will take him with her. After all these lies, secrets and games she has been playing. What a likable woman/mother. Simply disgusting. I really felt bad for the father all the time. Of course, there were also scenes away from neubauer's character that were pretty poor. Just take the fight between the two men and of course the girl's father wins it. The career ambitions of the husband are also depicted in the most shallow manner. And with that I do not mean his priorities, but what the writers came up with. Speaking of the husband, there is also one moment, really brief, but that is truly a travesty, namely when the character says something about a dime novel or penny dreadful as the Brits say. What a joke. This entire movie is a dime novel. How dare they act as if something else sucks when they suck from minute one until the very last shot! Admittedly, maybe not until the very last shot. This scene when she smiles, but she is not smiling at her husband, but at her lover and daughter was not as bad as everything else in this movie. But it is definitely not worth sitting through the 85 minutes before that, especially if we once more have to look at these men who really adore and love Neubauer's character because of what an amazing woman she is. Ridiculous honestly. This film is a slap in the faces of all those people who really suffered during wartime and also when the war was over. Like I said, most of them are already gone and may they rest in peace instead of being confronted with the movie equivalent of dime novels (not a statement on the actual book this is based on, just what they made of it). So even if this film was so bad it was funny already on many occasions, I have to correct my statement from the title of this review and I definitely say: Do not watch at all! I can't use swear words here because otherwise my review wont get accepted. So I express myself the appropriate way. Let me make entirely clear that despite all the flaws I mentioned already, these are just the tip of the iceberg, maybe 10% of everything that went wrong here and the other 90% I have not even elaborated on. This should make clear what degree of failure we have here.
I am honestly trying to forget these 1.5 hours as quickly as possible, but I will still mention a few examples. First of all, there is no way she could 100% say that the girl on the photo is her daughter. But of course, she is such a caring and smart mother that she knows immediately and of course she is right. As always with Neubauer in her movies, we are supposed to like her and feel for her. Embarrassing stuff really. And as if this wasn't bad enough already, the girl's father at the exact same time recognizes the girl as her daughter too. By the way, the girl and the father were thought to be dead by Neubauer's character. Another truly realistic coincidence we have here. Actually two major coincidences. Okay, you already guess what happens next. Neubauer's character has to fight throughout the movie to be allowed to have contact with her daughter. Just out of nowhere, another woman shows up and she says that it is actually her daughter. More fake drama. Hilarious stuff really. Also how the daughter at the orphanage is told that everybody else has no parents either. And she gets 2 (almost 3) out of nowhere. And the daughter knows of course at least one parent is still alive because she feels it. Hey, she has Neubauer's character's genes right? Everything is possible. Anyway, more failure from Neubauer: The flashback sequences in the first half. The emotional scenes when we see Neubauer's character lose her daughter on the train back then were just an abomination. Those weren't funny either. Just really an insult to everybody who really lost a child or a parent during these critical days of WWII. But what was funny because it really lacked any effort were the following less serious flashback scenes that are about Neubauer's character meeting the daughter's father. She is supposed to be 10 years younger in these scenes. Guess what? She looks exactly the same as she does in the now. But maybe you did not recognize how much the make-up and costume department sucked here as well if you only paid attention to Neubauer's abysmal line delivery while she is narrating during these flashback sequences. Okay, more nonsense: The moment her husband finds out about the other child is also the moment when Neubauer's character is finally found by her "true love". Exactly this moment. When she tells her spouse that the other man is dead. Boom. He shows up at the door. And he brought flowers too. By the way, where was he when the husband says goodbye to the business partner. Anyway, this scene I just mentioned also results in neubauer's character falling to the ground. She does so a lot during this movie actually. Also if you take a look at the stairs scene towards the end almost. I will not lie. I wanted the character to die during this scene. Of course she doesn't though. I mean Neubauer is chubby enough to soft-land. Oops am I allowed to say that? I mean Neubauer has made a career of many years, decades actually, built on the idea that the fact that she is not as thin as most others and nothing else tricked millions of people into thinking she as attractive and she has acting talent. I mean the former is up to discussion. I personally don't think so at all, but the latter is really so obvious that everybody who thinks this lady can act must be suffering from serious issues. As for the looks, people just tend to believe something when they see and hear it often enough and of course Neubauer's characters in all her movies have relationships with fairly attractive men, often much younger than herself. The art of make-believe. Just tell a lie a 100 times and eventually people will accept it as truth. Also Neubauer was how old back in 2007? 45? Approximately. And yet we are supposed that her husband wants to make another child with her. It's the 1950s... That scene when she just wanted to tell him something and she (like a boss, oh what a self-confident woman she is!) orders the maid to stay outside because there was something completely different on her mind than intercourse.
There were really so many horrible moments in this movie that I can't mention them all (also the near car accident e.g) within the character limit. But I will give you some more. The ending is the best example too. Of course, it is 100% happy. The husband realizes he lost because his (ex-)wife is such a strong woman and mother with deep feelings for both her children that he let her get away with it. It makes no sense to everything he did before. Also cringeworthy how they were building him up as the main antagonist. They really used the cheapest tricks there. Just take the incredibly cheesy schmaltzy quote between her and her lover that life makes no sense if he does not return from war. This quote is referenced several times, but I was already ready to throw up the first time I heard it. But back to the husband: Let's be neutral for once. His wife does not tell him she has/had another child. Nice. After he finds out eventually because she has to tell him and even says to her that he will stay with her, which definitely is not to be taken for granted during that time, he tells her that he wants no more lies. Guess what. At that point, she already knew her lover, the father of the girl, was still alive. Does she tell him? Nope. Took her long for the next lie, didn't it? At least she goes and confesses it all to her friend immediately after. And when it comes out, then she still has the audacity to go up the stairs to her son's room and say that he will take him with her. After all these lies, secrets and games she has been playing. What a likable woman/mother. Simply disgusting. I really felt bad for the father all the time. Of course, there were also scenes away from neubauer's character that were pretty poor. Just take the fight between the two men and of course the girl's father wins it. The career ambitions of the husband are also depicted in the most shallow manner. And with that I do not mean his priorities, but what the writers came up with. Speaking of the husband, there is also one moment, really brief, but that is truly a travesty, namely when the character says something about a dime novel or penny dreadful as the Brits say. What a joke. This entire movie is a dime novel. How dare they act as if something else sucks when they suck from minute one until the very last shot! Admittedly, maybe not until the very last shot. This scene when she smiles, but she is not smiling at her husband, but at her lover and daughter was not as bad as everything else in this movie. But it is definitely not worth sitting through the 85 minutes before that, especially if we once more have to look at these men who really adore and love Neubauer's character because of what an amazing woman she is. Ridiculous honestly. This film is a slap in the faces of all those people who really suffered during wartime and also when the war was over. Like I said, most of them are already gone and may they rest in peace instead of being confronted with the movie equivalent of dime novels (not a statement on the actual book this is based on, just what they made of it). So even if this film was so bad it was funny already on many occasions, I have to correct my statement from the title of this review and I definitely say: Do not watch at all! I can't use swear words here because otherwise my review wont get accepted. So I express myself the appropriate way. Let me make entirely clear that despite all the flaws I mentioned already, these are just the tip of the iceberg, maybe 10% of everything that went wrong here and the other 90% I have not even elaborated on. This should make clear what degree of failure we have here.
