Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)
Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1999)
Bill Corbett: Crow T. Robot, Observer
Quotes
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Crow T. Robot : See here's his problem, going around town dressed like that, asking women "Have you seen my little monkey?"
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Merlin : I'm afraid that over the years, some of the pages have become brittle...
Crow T. Robot : Like the missus here.
Merlin : - and sections have broken off.
Crow T. Robot : Again like the missus here.
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Grandpa : So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow T. Robot : You are sick, old man.
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Tom Servo : [on the SOL bridge] What are you doing there, Mikey-drawers?
Crow T. Robot : Yeah.
Mike Nelson : Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the movie. I don't know, I thought it would be whimsical or something.
Crow T. Robot : Well, bring on the whimsy, man!
Mike Nelson : OK, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights." That might be whimsical...
[reads]
Mike Nelson : Oh, man... Wow, well this isn't appropriate. Here, Aram the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet metal crimper.
Tom Servo : [whistles] Ooh, yeah, that's unsavory, all right.
Mike Nelson : Well, let's try this one. "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic." How could that possibly...
[reads]
Mike Nelson : Wow! Holy cow! Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans!
Crow T. Robot : Wow! That Borgnine is dark, man!
Tom Servo : Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit."
Mike Nelson : Yeah, that sounds completely...
[reads]
Mike Nelson : Oh, my...
[looks like he's about to vomit]
Crow T. Robot : What?
Tom Servo : What?
Crow T. Robot : [both he and Tom read and start to gag] AAAHHHH! THEY'RE EATING HIS LIVER! AAAAHHHH!
Mike Nelson : [thoroughly disgusted] That's it, these are all going ba-
[sees another]
Mike Nelson : Oh, now look at this one! "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore!"
Tom Servo : Augh!
Crow T. Robot : Augh!
Mike Nelson : What is with this guy, man? This is-
[reads, looks puzzled]
Mike Nelson : Oh, this one seems fine.
Crow T. Robot : What?
Tom Servo : What?
Mike Nelson : "In a little, cozy hole in the ground there lived eight plump mice."
Tom Servo : Yeah, whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needles!
Mike Nelson : No, they get little sweaters and live happily.
Crow T. Robot : Wow, weird.
Mike Nelson : We'll be right back.
Tom Servo : New sweaters, really?
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Crow T. Robot : He made Satan the owner of my soul! I gotta' give it to you, Merlin! Good one!
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Crow T. Robot : [as Ernest Borgnine who is narrating the story] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
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Pearl Forrester : Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.
Professor Bobo : HEY!
Pearl Forrester : Oh don't even.
[reads note]
Pearl Forrester : Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...
Tom Servo : [dressed like a Nazi] Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.
Crow T. Robot , Mike Nelson : [weakly] Hooray.
Tom Servo : And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!
Crow T. Robot , Mike Nelson : [weaker] Hooray.
Pearl Forrester : ...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.
Tom Servo : F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!
Pearl Forrester : Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.
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[the movie is starring Ernest Borgnine]
Crow T. Robot : The mystical wonder is that he's *in* a movie.
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Crow T. Robot : [as Ernest Borgnine, as Sparkle the Dog is trapped in a burning garage] Remember the kitten, Billy. That was nothing compared to this.
Tom Servo : [as Billy] No...
Crow T. Robot : [as Borgnine] At least the kitten went quick, Billy.
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Crow T. Robot : [as the toy monkey, when Michael accidentially knocks over the garbage can he was in] Dahhh! Man! I was next to an old coffee filter and a diaper! Whoo, thanks, kid.
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Crow T. Robot : That bastard! He turned me into Benjamin Franklin.
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Crow : [as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
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Grandpa Borgnine : So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow : You are sick, old man.