- Crow T. Robot: See here's his problem, going around town dressed like that, asking women "Have you seen my little monkey?"
- Johnathan Cooper III: Come on, for Pete's sake Madeline, don't encourage them. It's nothing more than a rock!
- Tom Servo: Like your womb.
- Merlin: I'm afraid that over the years, some of the pages have become brittle...
- Crow T. Robot: Like the missus here.
- Merlin: - and sections have broken off.
- Crow T. Robot: Again like the missus here.
- Grandpa: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
- Crow T. Robot: You are sick, old man.
- Tom Servo: [on the SOL bridge] What are you doing there, Mikey-drawers?
- Crow T. Robot: Yeah.
- Mike Nelson: Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the movie. I don't know, I thought it would be whimsical or something.
- Crow T. Robot: Well, bring on the whimsy, man!
- Mike Nelson: OK, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights." That might be whimsical...
- [reads]
- Mike Nelson: Oh, man... Wow, well this isn't appropriate. Here, Aram the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet metal crimper.
- Tom Servo: [whistles] Ooh, yeah, that's unsavory, all right.
- Mike Nelson: Well, let's try this one. "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic." How could that possibly...
- [reads]
- Mike Nelson: Wow! Holy cow! Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans!
- Crow T. Robot: Wow! That Borgnine is dark, man!
- Tom Servo: Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit."
- Mike Nelson: Yeah, that sounds completely...
- [reads]
- Mike Nelson: Oh, my...
- [looks like he's about to vomit]
- Crow T. Robot: What?
- Tom Servo: What?
- Crow T. Robot: [both he and Tom read and start to gag] AAAHHHH! THEY'RE EATING HIS LIVER! AAAAHHHH!
- Mike Nelson: [thoroughly disgusted] That's it, these are all going ba-
- [sees another]
- Mike Nelson: Oh, now look at this one! "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore!"
- Tom Servo: Augh!
- Crow T. Robot: Augh!
- Mike Nelson: What is with this guy, man? This is-
- [reads, looks puzzled]
- Mike Nelson: Oh, this one seems fine.
- Crow T. Robot: What?
- Tom Servo: What?
- Mike Nelson: "In a little, cozy hole in the ground there lived eight plump mice."
- Tom Servo: Yeah, whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needles!
- Mike Nelson: No, they get little sweaters and live happily.
- Crow T. Robot: Wow, weird.
- Mike Nelson: We'll be right back.
- Tom Servo: New sweaters, really?
- Tom Servo: Honey, you okay down there?
- Mike Nelson: Eh... I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine.
- Crow T. Robot: [as Ernest Borgnine who is narrating the story] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
- Pearl Forrester: Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.
- Professor Bobo: HEY!
- Pearl Forrester: Oh don't even.
- [reads note]
- Pearl Forrester: Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...
- Tom Servo: [dressed like a Nazi] Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.
- Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weakly] Hooray.
- Tom Servo: And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!
- Crow T. Robot, Mike Nelson: [weaker] Hooray.
- Pearl Forrester: ...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.
- Tom Servo: F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!
- Pearl Forrester: Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.
- David: [yelling as he tries to bury the toy monkey] You'll have to do better than that, you little bastard!
- Mike Nelson: Is he yelling at Mason Reese?
- [the movie is starring Ernest Borgnine]
- Crow T. Robot: The mystical wonder is that he's *in* a movie.
- Crow T. Robot: [as Ernest Borgnine, as Sparkle the Dog is trapped in a burning garage] Remember the kitten, Billy. That was nothing compared to this.
- Tom Servo: [as Billy] No...
- Crow T. Robot: [as Borgnine] At least the kitten went quick, Billy.
- Mike Nelson: [as the toy monkey with cymbals] Come on, put on some John Phillip Sousa, I'm dying to use these.
- Crow T. Robot: [as the toy monkey, when Michael accidentially knocks over the garbage can he was in] Dahhh! Man! I was next to an old coffee filter and a diaper! Whoo, thanks, kid.
- Tom Servo: [as Merlin] Yes, it's my job to release evil into the world and gradually recover it, following the deaths of many innocent people.
- Crow: [as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
- Grandpa Borgnine: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
- Crow: You are sick, old man.