Night Court (TV Series)
The Cop and the Lady (1989)
John Larroquette: Dan Fielding
Quotes
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[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
Tony Giuliano : I'm looking for Fielding...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Christine Sullivan : Eat mace, bozo!
Tony Giuliano : Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop!
[shows his badge]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone : You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
Tony Giuliano : [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Christine Sullivan : Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
Tony Giuliano : I'm undercover, I put it there!
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Christine Sullivan : [Dan disguised as a nun walks past Christine] Sister?
[Dan crouches to the floor]
Christine Sullivan : Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : [Speaks in a high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
[They sit on a bench seat]
Christine Sullivan : Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Christine Sullivan : Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
Christine Sullivan : I don't know where to start.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : Were you naked?
Christine Sullivan : No! No. We just kissed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
Christine Sullivan : [Perplexed at the question, looks toward Dan] What?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : [Christine continues looking] Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
Christine Sullivan : [Pulls back one side of the black veil] Dan! Dan Fielding, you big pervert!
[starts whaling on Dan and walks away]
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[Dan receives what he thinks is a love letter from an anonymous female admirer]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : Want to hear it?
Everyone : No.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : Okay!
[reading in an exaggerated French accent]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : "Dear Dan... I want *you*. I dream about *you*. There isn't a day goes by that I don't want you... dead!"
[He stops reading and goggles at the letter. Harry takes it and finishes reading]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone : "You die today, Pigface. Signed, The Prince of Death."
Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon : [filming the scene through a video camera] HA-HA-HA-HA! And you guys thought this wouldn't be exciting!
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Tony Giuliano : [reading Dan's death threat] "Dear Dan... die, Pigface." Yep, sounds like our boy all right. Ex-con by the name of Norman Snite.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone : Norman Snite? No wonder he calls himself the Prince of Death.
Tony Giuliano : Yeah, he came through your courtroom about three months ago.
[Harry, Christine, and Dan shrug blankly]
Tony Giuliano : Attempted murder?
[Another blank shrug]
Tony Giuliano : Enormous buck-teeth?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding , Christine Sullivan , Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone : Oh, *that* Norman Snite!
Tony Giuliano : Yeah, well, it seems he's very sensitive about those teeth.
[to Dan]
Tony Giuliano : Is it possible you might have made some comment that could be construed as inconsiderate or insensitive?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : [fakes a laugh] Well, I don't know, *maybe* I said something he misinterpreted...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone : Such as, "Snite, you're lucky you haven't been shot for the ivory"?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding : And Mr. Thin Skin takes it the wrong way!
Christine Sullivan : Well, what did you expect? All his life, people have been focusing only on his physical appearance, afraid to see the true person that hides inside.
Tony Giuliano : Let me guess: you sleep with stuffed animals, right?
Christine Sullivan : [shifts] I don't see what that has to do with anything.