My Family (TV Series)

Driving Miss Crazy (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : Ben, nobody's criticising your driving. It's just your...

  Ben : My what?

  Susan Harper : ...attitude.

  Ben : I DO NOT HAVE AN... I... I'm... I'm sorry. What... what do... what do you mean, darling?

  Susan Harper : Your bumper sticker says: "Horn broken - watch for finger!"

  Janey Harper : And that time we went driving in Wales?

  Ben : I drove brilliantly there!

  Michael Harper : Before we set off, you actually took the trouble to learn some Welsh swear words!

• Ben : [when Janey runs upstairs crying]  I don't know what's going on and I don't want to know it.

  Susan Harper : Amazing! You've just condensed your entire world view into one sentence.

• [last lines] 

  Ben : Oh, after Janey passed her driving test, I, um, I decided to drive her home, and, um, you know, show her a few advanced driving tips and um... you know, show her a few of the back doubles, and...

  Susan Harper : What have you done?

  Ben : I ran over Mr. Casey's dog.

  [they both head for the door] 

  Ben : Where are you going?

  Susan Harper : To the pet shop. Where are you going?

  Ben : The estate agent's.

• Susan Harper : Going well, I see?

  Janey Harper : My instructor says I need more practice.

  Susan Harper : Of course he would - at £20 a lesson.

  Janey Harper : But my test's in two weeks, mum! Do you want me to fail?

  Susan Harper : You don't have to need your instructor. You just need an adult with you.

  Nick : [Standing up]  Ready when you are, Janey!

  Susan Harper : I said an adult.

  [Nick sits back down] 

  Susan Harper : But I can't take you. I have three new chores to devise.

  Janey Harper : Er, mum, are you insane? That only leaves one person!

  Susan Harper : Well, I'm sure if you catch him in a good mood...

  Janey Harper : Like I said, my test's in two weeks.

  Susan Harper : ...all you have to do is choose the right moment to ask him...

  Ben : OH, BOLLOCKING HELL!

  Susan Harper : ...which I'm sure will happen one of these days.

  Janey Harper : Keep the dream alive, mum!

• Ben : NEXT DOOR'S SODDING DOG HAS CRAPPED ON THE SODDING DOORSTEP AGAIN!

  Susan Harper : Oh, dear. At least you didn't step in it.

  [Ben shows Susan his dog-poop covered shoe] 

  Susan Harper : I'll get you the newspaper.

  Ben : Why can't people control their animals? Huh? How would Mr Casey like it if I sent Nick over to crap on his lawn?

  Nick : I'd do it for cash!

• Ben : Whatever possessed Mr Casey to get a dog? Huh! Yapping all day when it's left alone in the house, breaking through my fence, digging up my lawn, and not to mention he looks at me funny whenever I go past!

  Susan Harper : All dogs do that.

  Ben : I meant Mr Casey!

• Susan Harper : How is everything since, erm, everything?

  Mr. Casey : Since Emma died? Oh, everyone's been very kind. It was a bit rough at first, but then I thought to myself, why not buy a dog?

  Ben : Several reasons - the first of which is lying on my doorstep!

• Susan Harper : [about Mr Casey]  Oh, Ben. Cut him some slack. He's obviously a very unhappy man.

  Ben : So am I. No one cuts me any slack.

  Susan Harper : You're still alive, aren't you?

• Ben : [about Mr Casey]  Go on, take his side. We mustn't be too hard on him...

  Susan Harper : I'm not taking his side. All I'm saying is he has a point.

  Ben : Jezebel!

  Susan Harper : You tend to put things off.

  Ben : I do not!

  Susan Harper : It's not the first time he's asked you to mend that fence.

  Ben : Well, that was months ago!

  Susan Harper : Look at Mr Casey. He has a real sense of purpose. He's never idle. He's got an immaculate garden, a newly painted house...

  Ben : He's also got a dead wife.

  [Scowls at Ben] 

  Ben : Leaving that to one side...

• Ben : I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?

  Susan Harper : No pet could replace you! Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret!

• Michael Harper : Mum?

  Susan Harper : Yes, dear?

  Michael Harper : Is madness hereditary?

  Susan Harper : Depends what sort.

  Michael Harper : Dad's sort.

  Susan Harper : What's he doing now?

  Michael Harper : He's crawling round the garden with a tape measure and a meat skewer.

• Janey Harper : Oh, great! Well, my test's in eight days - what am I going to do?

  Susan Harper : Survive?

  Janey Harper : Of course! It's obvious! There's only one person in this house with the maturity, the experience and the people skills to take me driving.

  Ben : Yeah...

  Janey Harper : Michael, are you busy?

  Ben : Ye... what? What? Mi... Michael's 12!

  Michael Harper : 13! But it's what inside that counts!

  Ben : You'll be inside if you get caught!

  Janey Harper : Well, he won't get caught! He... he can sit on a pile of cushions and perhaps wear a false beard...

• Ben : [Offering to give Janey driving lessons]  I could always take you.

  Janey Harper : You?

  [the whole family laughs at Ben] 

  Ben : What, what, what? What's so funny? I... I don't get it. Do you get it, Susan?

  Susan Harper : [Through repressed laughter]  No!

  Ben : I mean, I'm a good driver. I passed my test first time.

  Janey Harper : Yeah, but that was in the war! They needed all the drivers they could get!

• Ben : Oh, that's great! What a splendid family, huh? I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a... pillock!

  Nick : Look on the bright side, dad! At least we took your mind off Mr Casey!

  Ben : Oh, yes! Mr Casey! Mr Casey!

  Susan Harper : [to Nick]  You pillock!

• Susan Harper : I'm taking you.

  Janey Harper : Ugh!

  Susan Harper : Why? What's wrong with that?

  Janey Harper : You're so bossy!

  Susan Harper : Oh, don't be ridiculous! And if you think you're driving dressed like that, you're very much mistaken!

  Janey Harper : Oh, come on, mum!

• Janey Harper : That is it! I'm never going out with you again!

  Susan Harper : All I said was put on your seatbelt before you adjusting your mirror! They look out for things like that!

  Janey Harper : Oh, and why did you grab the wheel for?

  Susan Harper : [pause]  I panicked!

  Janey Harper : I hadn't even turned the engine on!

• Susan Harper : Janey's pregnant.

  Ben : [Doing the crossword, not listening]  Really? Uh-huh, uh-huh...

  Susan Harper : I'm leaving you.

  Ben : [Still not listening]  Good.

  Susan Harper : Nick's wearing your trousers.

  Ben : What? What? Why are you wearing my trousers?

  Nick : Like I said, mate: basic asset management. I mean, you wouldn't leave an aircraft standing around idle.

  Ben : My trousers are not an aircraft!

  Nick : They are when I'm wearing them!

  Ben : Nick, please! Just take them off!

  [Nick tries to undo his belt] 

  Ben : No, no! In your room!

  Nick : Alright, mate! Keep your hair on!

  Ben : I will, otherwise I'll find you wearing it!

• Mr. Casey : Mr Harper, I think you've got my newspaper!

  Ben : I think you've got 8cm of my garden!

  Mr. Casey : I think you've been throwing snails over my fence!

  Ben : I think you've been mowing your lawn at 11 o'clock at night!

  Mr. Casey : I think you don't mow your lawn at all!

  Ben : [pause]  It's a wilderness garden!

  Mr. Casey : [Points to Nick]  And you've been letting him sunbathe out there - in the nude!

  Susan Harper : He never did that!

  Nick : Yes, I did!

  Mr. Casey : ...while my mother was out there taking tea!

  Ben : Oh, really? She shouldn't have been looking!

  Mr. Casey : He was up a tree!

  Nick : I'm a child of nature!

• Ben : OK! What's Casey done now?

  Susan Harper : Mr Casey hasn't done anything.

  Ben : Don't lie to me, Susan! We saw the fire engine!

  Susan Harper : Alright! The shed burnt down.

  Ben : W-what? My... He... he burnt my shed down? Mr Casey burnt my shed down?

  Susan Harper : This has nothing to do with Mr Casey! It was an accident!

  Ben : There is no such thing as an accident, Susan!

  Susan Harper : Alright. It's your fault. The fire officer said you had four open tins of paint in there. Between that and the oily rags, it was inevitable.

  Ben : Oh, I see! So tins of paint and oily rags just spontaneously combust?

  Susan Harper : Yes!

• Susan Harper : So, how was driving with your father?

  Janey Harper : Oh, it went very well.

  Susan Harper : Did he shout much? Did he grab the wheel? How many times did he stamp on the imaginary brake? What do you mean it went very well?

  Janey Harper : He just let me drive. His mind was on something else.

  Nick : Mr Casey?

  Janey Harper : Yep! We followed him around for three hours!

  Susan Harper : Good grief!

  Janey Harper : Dad called it 'reconnaissance'. We went to the supermarket, the leisure centre, the cemetery... Oh, and I got to practice parking - quite a lot, actually!

• Ben : There - the last earthly remains of my shed! I had such plans!

  Nick : Leave it with me, dad. I'll see if I can fix it.

  Ben : No. Don't bother, Nick. Nothing can replace my shed.

  Susan Harper : How about another shed?

  Nick : [laughs]  It's alright, Nick. It's alright. She doesn't understand.

  Janey Harper : Well, I don't understand either.

  Nick : Actually, I don't understand.

  Ben : It's just that a man must have a shed.

  Susan Harper : We never knew you had a shed until it burnt down.

  Ben : Well, nevertheless, I feel I've been emasculated. It's like not having a toolbox.

  Nick : You haven't got a toolbox.

  Ben : Haven't I?

  Nick : No. You weren't using it, so... it sort of got sold!

  Ben : What did you do that for?

  Nick : The money?

• Ben : What am I supposed to do if something goes wrong in the house?

  Susan Harper : What you always do: ignore it and let me sort it out.

• Susan Harper : I've decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives!

  Michael Harper : You're going to kill dad?

• Susan Harper : I just thought it'd be a good idea if Mr Casey and your father sat down like two rational adults.

  Nick : But dad's not rational.

  Susan Harper : I know! That's where I'll come in.

  Nick : Haha!

  Susan Harper : While your father's out taking Janey to her driving test, I thought I'd use my people skills to negotiate a truce. Like the United Nations.

  Michael Harper : With as much success.

• Susan Harper : One of the important things about negotiations is to look for the middle ground - because it's never the case that one side is completely right and the other side is completely wrong.

  Mr. Casey : Yes, it is!

  Susan Harper : Isn't there room for give and take?

  Mr. Casey : Of course. If he gives me an apology, I'll take it!

• Ben : Ah, Mr Casey. How lovely to see you.

  Mr. Casey : Now look here, Mr Harper! I demand an apology!

  Susan Harper : Well, you can't have it!

  Ben : I apologise.

  Susan Harper : What?

  Ben : It's all my fault.

  Mr. Casey : Oh. Well, I'm prepared to bury the hatchet if you agree to certain conditions.

  Susan Harper : Never!

  Ben : Sure! Fire away!

  Mr. Casey : For a start, stop blasting loud, hideous music at night!

  Susan Harper : We like hideous music!

  Ben : That's no problem.

  Mr. Casey : Secondly, that fence is staying where it is!

  Ben : Absolutely. And strictly speaking, as it's my fence, I should... pay for it?

  Mr. Casey : Oh. Well. Alright. But I'm not paying for that shed.

  Susan Harper : Arsonist!

  Ben : Susan. Susan. Please?

  Mr. Casey : Ah... I want you to pay a professional gardener to come and tidy up that jungle!

  Ben : Yep. Consider it done.

  Mr. Casey : And I want to park my car across your drive whenever I like!

  Ben : Whatever you want. It's alright. Anything else?

  Mr. Casey : Yes. I want... I want... I want that photo frame!