- Susan Harper: Ben, nobody's criticising your driving. It's just your...
- Ben: My what?
- Susan Harper: ...attitude.
- Ben: I DO NOT HAVE AN... I... I'm... I'm sorry. What... what do... what do you mean, darling?
- Susan Harper: Your bumper sticker says: "Horn broken - watch for finger!"
- Janey Harper: And that time we went driving in Wales?
- Ben: I drove brilliantly there!
- Michael Harper: Before we set off, you actually took the trouble to learn some Welsh swear words!
- Ben: [when Janey runs upstairs crying] I don't know what's going on and I don't want to know it.
- Susan Harper: Amazing! You've just condensed your entire world view into one sentence.
- [last lines]
- Ben: Oh, after Janey passed her driving test, I, um, I decided to drive her home, and, um, you know, show her a few advanced driving tips and um... you know, show her a few of the back doubles, and...
- Susan Harper: What have you done?
- Ben: I ran over Mr. Casey's dog.
- [they both head for the door]
- Ben: Where are you going?
- Susan Harper: To the pet shop. Where are you going?
- Ben: The estate agent's.
- Ben: [Operating on his patient] Yes, very good. Very good, Mr Ross. Very good. You're doing very well.
- Dental Assistant: Oh my! Is that supposed to happen?
- Mr. Ross: Huh?
- Ben: It's alright. It's alright. Everything's fine, Mr Ross. Everything's fine.
- Dental Assistant: Is it supposed to be bleeding that much?
- Mr. Ross: What?
- Dental Assistant: It's like 'Reservoir Dogs' where the guy gets his ear cut off! I had to leave the cinema!
- Ben: Excuse me, Mr Ross.
- [to the assistant]
- Ben: Would you, er, give me a cotton pack, please?
- [Assistant hands over cotton pack]
- Ben: Now stick it in your mouth!
- Dental Assistant: Sorry, Mr Harper. It's just... I get queasy.
- Ben: Then why did the agency send you?
- Dental Assistant: They tricked me.
- Ben: You and me both!
- Susan Harper: Going well, I see?
- Janey Harper: My instructor says I need more practice.
- Susan Harper: Of course he would - at £20 a lesson.
- Janey Harper: But my test's in two weeks, mum! Do you want me to fail?
- Susan Harper: You don't have to need your instructor. You just need an adult with you.
- Nick: [Standing up] Ready when you are, Janey!
- Susan Harper: I said an adult.
- [Nick sits back down]
- Susan Harper: But I can't take you. I have three new chores to devise.
- Janey Harper: Er, mum, are you insane? That only leaves one person!
- Susan Harper: Well, I'm sure if you catch him in a good mood...
- Janey Harper: Like I said, my test's in two weeks.
- Susan Harper: ...all you have to do is choose the right moment to ask him...
- Ben: OH, BOLLOCKING HELL!
- Susan Harper: ...which I'm sure will happen one of these days.
- Janey Harper: Keep the dream alive, mum!
- Ben: NEXT DOOR'S SODDING DOG HAS CRAPPED ON THE SODDING DOORSTEP AGAIN!
- Susan Harper: Oh, dear. At least you didn't step in it.
- [Ben shows Susan his dog-poop covered shoe]
- Susan Harper: I'll get you the newspaper.
- Ben: Why can't people control their animals? Huh? How would Mr Casey like it if I sent Nick over to crap on his lawn?
- Nick: I'd do it for cash!
- Ben: Whatever possessed Mr Casey to get a dog? Huh! Yapping all day when it's left alone in the house, breaking through my fence, digging up my lawn, and not to mention he looks at me funny whenever I go past!
- Susan Harper: All dogs do that.
- Ben: I meant Mr Casey!
- Nick: Well, I can't sit around here wasting my time all day!
- Ben: Oh, really? Considering a change of career, are we?
- Nick: I already have, mate! Efficiency expert!
- Ben: Isn't that my surgery T-shirt?
- Nick: That's right!
- Ben: Why are you wearing my surgery T-shirt?
- Nick: This is basic asset management. This shirt's losing value when its not in use.
- Ben: Well, I don't want you sweating it up with your freakish bodily fluids! Take it off!
- Susan Harper: How is everything since, erm, everything?
- Mr. Casey: Since Emma died? Oh, everyone's been very kind. It was a bit rough at first, but then I thought to myself, why not buy a dog?
- Ben: Several reasons - the first of which is lying on my doorstep!
- Susan Harper: [about Mr Casey] Oh, Ben. Cut him some slack. He's obviously a very unhappy man.
- Ben: So am I. No one cuts me any slack.
- Susan Harper: You're still alive, aren't you?
- Ben: [about Mr Casey] Go on, take his side. We mustn't be too hard on him...
- Susan Harper: I'm not taking his side. All I'm saying is he has a point.
- Ben: Jezebel!
- Susan Harper: You tend to put things off.
- Ben: I do not!
- Susan Harper: It's not the first time he's asked you to mend that fence.
- Ben: Well, that was months ago!
- Susan Harper: Look at Mr Casey. He has a real sense of purpose. He's never idle. He's got an immaculate garden, a newly painted house...
- Ben: He's also got a dead wife.
- [Scowls at Ben]
- Ben: Leaving that to one side...
- Ben: I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?
- Susan Harper: No pet could replace you! Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret!
- Michael Harper: Mum?
- Susan Harper: Yes, dear?
- Michael Harper: Is madness hereditary?
- Susan Harper: Depends what sort.
- Michael Harper: Dad's sort.
- Susan Harper: What's he doing now?
- Michael Harper: He's crawling round the garden with a tape measure and a meat skewer.
- Janey Harper: Oh, great! Well, my test's in eight days - what am I going to do?
- Susan Harper: Survive?
- Janey Harper: Of course! It's obvious! There's only one person in this house with the maturity, the experience and the people skills to take me driving.
- Ben: Yeah...
- Janey Harper: Michael, are you busy?
- Ben: Ye... what? What? Mi... Michael's 12!
- Michael Harper: 13! But it's what inside that counts!
- Ben: You'll be inside if you get caught!
- Janey Harper: Well, he won't get caught! He... he can sit on a pile of cushions and perhaps wear a false beard...
- Ben: [Offering to give Janey driving lessons] I could always take you.
- Janey Harper: You?
- [the whole family laughs at Ben]
- Ben: What, what, what? What's so funny? I... I don't get it. Do you get it, Susan?
- Susan Harper: [Through repressed laughter] No!
- Ben: I mean, I'm a good driver. I passed my test first time.
- Janey Harper: Yeah, but that was in the war! They needed all the drivers they could get!
- Ben: Oh, that's great! What a splendid family, huh? I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a... pillock!
- Nick: Look on the bright side, dad! At least we took your mind off Mr Casey!
- Ben: Oh, yes! Mr Casey! Mr Casey!
- Susan Harper: [to Nick] You pillock!
- Susan Harper: I'm taking you.
- Janey Harper: Ugh!
- Susan Harper: Why? What's wrong with that?
- Janey Harper: You're so bossy!
- Susan Harper: Oh, don't be ridiculous! And if you think you're driving dressed like that, you're very much mistaken!
- Janey Harper: Oh, come on, mum!
- Janey Harper: That is it! I'm never going out with you again!
- Susan Harper: All I said was put on your seatbelt before you adjusting your mirror! They look out for things like that!
- Janey Harper: Oh, and why did you grab the wheel for?
- Susan Harper: [pause] I panicked!
- Janey Harper: I hadn't even turned the engine on!
- Susan Harper: Janey's pregnant.
- Ben: [Doing the crossword, not listening] Really? Uh-huh, uh-huh...
- Susan Harper: I'm leaving you.
- Ben: [Still not listening] Good.
- Susan Harper: Nick's wearing your trousers.
- Ben: What? What? Why are you wearing my trousers?
- Nick: Like I said, mate: basic asset management. I mean, you wouldn't leave an aircraft standing around idle.
- Ben: My trousers are not an aircraft!
- Nick: They are when I'm wearing them!
- Ben: Nick, please! Just take them off!
- [Nick tries to undo his belt]
- Ben: No, no! In your room!
- Nick: Alright, mate! Keep your hair on!
- Ben: I will, otherwise I'll find you wearing it!
- Mr. Casey: Mr Harper, I think you've got my newspaper!
- Ben: I think you've got 8cm of my garden!
- Mr. Casey: I think you've been throwing snails over my fence!
- Ben: I think you've been mowing your lawn at 11 o'clock at night!
- Mr. Casey: I think you don't mow your lawn at all!
- Ben: [pause] It's a wilderness garden!
- Mr. Casey: [Points to Nick] And you've been letting him sunbathe out there - in the nude!
- Susan Harper: He never did that!
- Nick: Yes, I did!
- Mr. Casey: ...while my mother was out there taking tea!
- Ben: Oh, really? She shouldn't have been looking!
- Mr. Casey: He was up a tree!
- Nick: I'm a child of nature!
- Ben: OK! What's Casey done now?
- Susan Harper: Mr Casey hasn't done anything.
- Ben: Don't lie to me, Susan! We saw the fire engine!
- Susan Harper: Alright! The shed burnt down.
- Ben: W-what? My... He... he burnt my shed down? Mr Casey burnt my shed down?
- Susan Harper: This has nothing to do with Mr Casey! It was an accident!
- Ben: There is no such thing as an accident, Susan!
- Susan Harper: Alright. It's your fault. The fire officer said you had four open tins of paint in there. Between that and the oily rags, it was inevitable.
- Ben: Oh, I see! So tins of paint and oily rags just spontaneously combust?
- Susan Harper: Yes!
- Susan Harper: So, how was driving with your father?
- Janey Harper: Oh, it went very well.
- Susan Harper: Did he shout much? Did he grab the wheel? How many times did he stamp on the imaginary brake? What do you mean it went very well?
- Janey Harper: He just let me drive. His mind was on something else.
- Nick: Mr Casey?
- Janey Harper: Yep! We followed him around for three hours!
- Susan Harper: Good grief!
- Janey Harper: Dad called it 'reconnaissance'. We went to the supermarket, the leisure centre, the cemetery... Oh, and I got to practice parking - quite a lot, actually!
- Ben: There - the last earthly remains of my shed! I had such plans!
- Nick: Leave it with me, dad. I'll see if I can fix it.
- Ben: No. Don't bother, Nick. Nothing can replace my shed.
- Susan Harper: How about another shed?
- Nick: [laughs] It's alright, Nick. It's alright. She doesn't understand.
- Janey Harper: Well, I don't understand either.
- Nick: Actually, I don't understand.
- Ben: It's just that a man must have a shed.
- Susan Harper: We never knew you had a shed until it burnt down.
- Ben: Well, nevertheless, I feel I've been emasculated. It's like not having a toolbox.
- Nick: You haven't got a toolbox.
- Ben: Haven't I?
- Nick: No. You weren't using it, so... it sort of got sold!
- Ben: What did you do that for?
- Nick: The money?
- Ben: What am I supposed to do if something goes wrong in the house?
- Susan Harper: What you always do: ignore it and let me sort it out.
- Young Woman: Mr Harper?
- Ben: Erm... yes?
- Young Woman: We wondered if we could have a word. We're researchers from the television programme 'Nightmare Neighbours'.
- Ben: [laughs fiendishly] Oh, ah... oh, please come in! Come in!
- Young Woman: Thank you.
- Ben: Mmm... Actually, you can do a programme about my neighbour, Mr Casey!
- Young Woman: Well, that's why we're here.
- Ben: Good! Terrific!
- Young Woman: Mr Casey's asked us to do a programme about you!
- Susan Harper: I've decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives!
- Michael Harper: You're going to kill dad?
- Susan Harper: I just thought it'd be a good idea if Mr Casey and your father sat down like two rational adults.
- Nick: But dad's not rational.
- Susan Harper: I know! That's where I'll come in.
- Nick: Haha!
- Susan Harper: While your father's out taking Janey to her driving test, I thought I'd use my people skills to negotiate a truce. Like the United Nations.
- Michael Harper: With as much success.
- Susan Harper: One of the important things about negotiations is to look for the middle ground - because it's never the case that one side is completely right and the other side is completely wrong.
- Mr. Casey: Yes, it is!
- Susan Harper: Isn't there room for give and take?
- Mr. Casey: Of course. If he gives me an apology, I'll take it!
- Ben: Ah, Mr Casey. How lovely to see you.
- Mr. Casey: Now look here, Mr Harper! I demand an apology!
- Susan Harper: Well, you can't have it!
- Ben: I apologise.
- Susan Harper: What?
- Ben: It's all my fault.
- Mr. Casey: Oh. Well, I'm prepared to bury the hatchet if you agree to certain conditions.
- Susan Harper: Never!
- Ben: Sure! Fire away!
- Mr. Casey: For a start, stop blasting loud, hideous music at night!
- Susan Harper: We like hideous music!
- Ben: That's no problem.
- Mr. Casey: Secondly, that fence is staying where it is!
- Ben: Absolutely. And strictly speaking, as it's my fence, I should... pay for it?
- Mr. Casey: Oh. Well. Alright. But I'm not paying for that shed.
- Susan Harper: Arsonist!
- Ben: Susan. Susan. Please?
- Mr. Casey: Ah... I want you to pay a professional gardener to come and tidy up that jungle!
- Ben: Yep. Consider it done.
- Mr. Casey: And I want to park my car across your drive whenever I like!
- Ben: Whatever you want. It's alright. Anything else?
- Mr. Casey: Yes. I want... I want... I want that photo frame!