My Family (TV Series)

Driving Miss Crazy (2001)

Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nick : Yeah, but driving schools tell you to keep two hands on the wheel at all times. I mean, what are they thinking of?

  [Querying looks from Janey and Michael] 

  Nick : I mean, what are you supposed to do if you've got a phone in one hand and a kebab in the other?

• Susan Harper : Going well, I see?

  Janey Harper : My instructor says I need more practice.

  Susan Harper : Of course he would - at £20 a lesson.

  Janey Harper : But my test's in two weeks, mum! Do you want me to fail?

  Susan Harper : You don't have to need your instructor. You just need an adult with you.

  Nick : [Standing up]  Ready when you are, Janey!

  Susan Harper : I said an adult.

  [Nick sits back down] 

  Susan Harper : But I can't take you. I have three new chores to devise.

  Janey Harper : Er, mum, are you insane? That only leaves one person!

  Susan Harper : Well, I'm sure if you catch him in a good mood...

  Janey Harper : Like I said, my test's in two weeks.

  Susan Harper : ...all you have to do is choose the right moment to ask him...

  Ben : OH, BOLLOCKING HELL!

  Susan Harper : ...which I'm sure will happen one of these days.

  Janey Harper : Keep the dream alive, mum!

• Ben : NEXT DOOR'S SODDING DOG HAS CRAPPED ON THE SODDING DOORSTEP AGAIN!

  Susan Harper : Oh, dear. At least you didn't step in it.

  [Ben shows Susan his dog-poop covered shoe] 

  Susan Harper : I'll get you the newspaper.

  Ben : Why can't people control their animals? Huh? How would Mr Casey like it if I sent Nick over to crap on his lawn?

  Nick : I'd do it for cash!

• Nick : Well, I can't sit around here wasting my time all day!

  Ben : Oh, really? Considering a change of career, are we?

  Nick : I already have, mate! Efficiency expert!

  Ben : Isn't that my surgery T-shirt?

  Nick : That's right!

  Ben : Why are you wearing my surgery T-shirt?

  Nick : This is basic asset management. This shirt's losing value when its not in use.

  Ben : Well, I don't want you sweating it up with your freakish bodily fluids! Take it off!

• Ben : Oh, that's it! Go on! Go on! Make fun of your father!

  Nick : OK! You could knit three jumpers with the hair from your ears!

• Ben : Oh, that's great! What a splendid family, huh? I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a... pillock!

  Nick : Look on the bright side, dad! At least we took your mind off Mr Casey!

  Ben : Oh, yes! Mr Casey! Mr Casey!

  Susan Harper : [to Nick]  You pillock!

• Susan Harper : Janey's pregnant.

  Ben : [Doing the crossword, not listening]  Really? Uh-huh, uh-huh...

  Susan Harper : I'm leaving you.

  Ben : [Still not listening]  Good.

  Susan Harper : Nick's wearing your trousers.

  Ben : What? What? Why are you wearing my trousers?

  Nick : Like I said, mate: basic asset management. I mean, you wouldn't leave an aircraft standing around idle.

  Ben : My trousers are not an aircraft!

  Nick : They are when I'm wearing them!

  Ben : Nick, please! Just take them off!

  [Nick tries to undo his belt] 

  Ben : No, no! In your room!

  Nick : Alright, mate! Keep your hair on!

  Ben : I will, otherwise I'll find you wearing it!

• Mr. Casey : Mr Harper, I think you've got my newspaper!

  Ben : I think you've got 8cm of my garden!

  Mr. Casey : I think you've been throwing snails over my fence!

  Ben : I think you've been mowing your lawn at 11 o'clock at night!

  Mr. Casey : I think you don't mow your lawn at all!

  Ben : [pause]  It's a wilderness garden!

  Mr. Casey : [Points to Nick]  And you've been letting him sunbathe out there - in the nude!

  Susan Harper : He never did that!

  Nick : Yes, I did!

  Mr. Casey : ...while my mother was out there taking tea!

  Ben : Oh, really? She shouldn't have been looking!

  Mr. Casey : He was up a tree!

  Nick : I'm a child of nature!

• Susan Harper : So, how was driving with your father?

  Janey Harper : Oh, it went very well.

  Susan Harper : Did he shout much? Did he grab the wheel? How many times did he stamp on the imaginary brake? What do you mean it went very well?

  Janey Harper : He just let me drive. His mind was on something else.

  Nick : Mr Casey?

  Janey Harper : Yep! We followed him around for three hours!

  Susan Harper : Good grief!

  Janey Harper : Dad called it 'reconnaissance'. We went to the supermarket, the leisure centre, the cemetery... Oh, and I got to practice parking - quite a lot, actually!

• Ben : There - the last earthly remains of my shed! I had such plans!

  Nick : Leave it with me, dad. I'll see if I can fix it.

  Ben : No. Don't bother, Nick. Nothing can replace my shed.

  Susan Harper : How about another shed?

  Nick : [laughs]  It's alright, Nick. It's alright. She doesn't understand.

  Janey Harper : Well, I don't understand either.

  Nick : Actually, I don't understand.

  Ben : It's just that a man must have a shed.

  Susan Harper : We never knew you had a shed until it burnt down.

  Ben : Well, nevertheless, I feel I've been emasculated. It's like not having a toolbox.

  Nick : You haven't got a toolbox.

  Ben : Haven't I?

  Nick : No. You weren't using it, so... it sort of got sold!

  Ben : What did you do that for?

  Nick : The money?

• Nick : If I hadn't have sold the toolbox, it'd still be in the shed! So, I saved it from being burned! Karma, dad!

  Ben : I AM BEING CALM!

• Susan Harper : I just thought it'd be a good idea if Mr Casey and your father sat down like two rational adults.

  Nick : But dad's not rational.

  Susan Harper : I know! That's where I'll come in.

  Nick : Haha!

  Susan Harper : While your father's out taking Janey to her driving test, I thought I'd use my people skills to negotiate a truce. Like the United Nations.

  Michael Harper : With as much success.