My Family (TV Series)
Driving Miss Crazy (2001)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Quotes
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Susan Harper : Ben, nobody's criticising your driving. It's just your...
Ben : My what?
Susan Harper : ...attitude.
Ben : I DO NOT HAVE AN... I... I'm... I'm sorry. What... what do... what do you mean, darling?
Susan Harper : Your bumper sticker says: "Horn broken - watch for finger!"
Janey Harper : And that time we went driving in Wales?
Ben : I drove brilliantly there!
Michael Harper : Before we set off, you actually took the trouble to learn some Welsh swear words!
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Ben : [when Janey runs upstairs crying] I don't know what's going on and I don't want to know it.
Susan Harper : Amazing! You've just condensed your entire world view into one sentence.
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[last lines]
Ben : Oh, after Janey passed her driving test, I, um, I decided to drive her home, and, um, you know, show her a few advanced driving tips and um... you know, show her a few of the back doubles, and...
Susan Harper : What have you done?
Ben : I ran over Mr. Casey's dog.
[they both head for the door]
Ben : Where are you going?
Susan Harper : To the pet shop. Where are you going?
Ben : The estate agent's.
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Ben : [Operating on his patient] Yes, very good. Very good, Mr Ross. Very good. You're doing very well.
Dental Assistant : Oh my! Is that supposed to happen?
Mr. Ross : Huh?
Ben : It's alright. It's alright. Everything's fine, Mr Ross. Everything's fine.
Dental Assistant : Is it supposed to be bleeding that much?
Mr. Ross : What?
Dental Assistant : It's like 'Reservoir Dogs' where the guy gets his ear cut off! I had to leave the cinema!
Ben : Excuse me, Mr Ross.
[to the assistant]
Ben : Would you, er, give me a cotton pack, please?
[Assistant hands over cotton pack]
Ben : Now stick it in your mouth!
Dental Assistant : Sorry, Mr Harper. It's just... I get queasy.
Ben : Then why did the agency send you?
Dental Assistant : They tricked me.
Ben : You and me both!
-
Susan Harper : Going well, I see?
Janey Harper : My instructor says I need more practice.
Susan Harper : Of course he would - at £20 a lesson.
Janey Harper : But my test's in two weeks, mum! Do you want me to fail?
Susan Harper : You don't have to need your instructor. You just need an adult with you.
Nick : [Standing up] Ready when you are, Janey!
Susan Harper : I said an adult.
[Nick sits back down]
Susan Harper : But I can't take you. I have three new chores to devise.
Janey Harper : Er, mum, are you insane? That only leaves one person!
Susan Harper : Well, I'm sure if you catch him in a good mood...
Janey Harper : Like I said, my test's in two weeks.
Susan Harper : ...all you have to do is choose the right moment to ask him...
Ben : OH, BOLLOCKING HELL!
Susan Harper : ...which I'm sure will happen one of these days.
Janey Harper : Keep the dream alive, mum!
-
Ben : NEXT DOOR'S SODDING DOG HAS CRAPPED ON THE SODDING DOORSTEP AGAIN!
Susan Harper : Oh, dear. At least you didn't step in it.
[Ben shows Susan his dog-poop covered shoe]
Susan Harper : I'll get you the newspaper.
Ben : Why can't people control their animals? Huh? How would Mr Casey like it if I sent Nick over to crap on his lawn?
Nick : I'd do it for cash!
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Ben : Whatever possessed Mr Casey to get a dog? Huh! Yapping all day when it's left alone in the house, breaking through my fence, digging up my lawn, and not to mention he looks at me funny whenever I go past!
Susan Harper : All dogs do that.
Ben : I meant Mr Casey!
-
Nick : Well, I can't sit around here wasting my time all day!
Ben : Oh, really? Considering a change of career, are we?
Nick : I already have, mate! Efficiency expert!
Ben : Isn't that my surgery T-shirt?
Nick : That's right!
Ben : Why are you wearing my surgery T-shirt?
Nick : This is basic asset management. This shirt's losing value when its not in use.
Ben : Well, I don't want you sweating it up with your freakish bodily fluids! Take it off!
-
Susan Harper : How is everything since, erm, everything?
Mr. Casey : Since Emma died? Oh, everyone's been very kind. It was a bit rough at first, but then I thought to myself, why not buy a dog?
Ben : Several reasons - the first of which is lying on my doorstep!
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Susan Harper : [about Mr Casey] Oh, Ben. Cut him some slack. He's obviously a very unhappy man.
Ben : So am I. No one cuts me any slack.
Susan Harper : You're still alive, aren't you?
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Ben : [about Mr Casey] Go on, take his side. We mustn't be too hard on him...
Susan Harper : I'm not taking his side. All I'm saying is he has a point.
Ben : Jezebel!
Susan Harper : You tend to put things off.
Ben : I do not!
Susan Harper : It's not the first time he's asked you to mend that fence.
Ben : Well, that was months ago!
Susan Harper : Look at Mr Casey. He has a real sense of purpose. He's never idle. He's got an immaculate garden, a newly painted house...
Ben : He's also got a dead wife.
[Scowls at Ben]
Ben : Leaving that to one side...
-
Ben : I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?
Susan Harper : No pet could replace you! Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret!
-
Janey Harper : Oh, great! Well, my test's in eight days - what am I going to do?
Susan Harper : Survive?
Janey Harper : Of course! It's obvious! There's only one person in this house with the maturity, the experience and the people skills to take me driving.
Ben : Yeah...
Janey Harper : Michael, are you busy?
Ben : Ye... what? What? Mi... Michael's 12!
Michael Harper : 13! But it's what inside that counts!
Ben : You'll be inside if you get caught!
Janey Harper : Well, he won't get caught! He... he can sit on a pile of cushions and perhaps wear a false beard...
-
Ben : [Offering to give Janey driving lessons] I could always take you.
Janey Harper : You?
[the whole family laughs at Ben]
Ben : What, what, what? What's so funny? I... I don't get it. Do you get it, Susan?
Susan Harper : [Through repressed laughter] No!
Ben : I mean, I'm a good driver. I passed my test first time.
Janey Harper : Yeah, but that was in the war! They needed all the drivers they could get!
-
Ben : Oh, that's great! What a splendid family, huh? I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a... pillock!
Nick : Look on the bright side, dad! At least we took your mind off Mr Casey!
Ben : Oh, yes! Mr Casey! Mr Casey!
Susan Harper : [to Nick] You pillock!
-
Susan Harper : Janey's pregnant.
Ben : [Doing the crossword, not listening] Really? Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Susan Harper : I'm leaving you.
Ben : [Still not listening] Good.
Susan Harper : Nick's wearing your trousers.
Ben : What? What? Why are you wearing my trousers?
Nick : Like I said, mate: basic asset management. I mean, you wouldn't leave an aircraft standing around idle.
Ben : My trousers are not an aircraft!
Nick : They are when I'm wearing them!
Ben : Nick, please! Just take them off!
[Nick tries to undo his belt]
Ben : No, no! In your room!
Nick : Alright, mate! Keep your hair on!
Ben : I will, otherwise I'll find you wearing it!
-
Mr. Casey : Mr Harper, I think you've got my newspaper!
Ben : I think you've got 8cm of my garden!
Mr. Casey : I think you've been throwing snails over my fence!
Ben : I think you've been mowing your lawn at 11 o'clock at night!
Mr. Casey : I think you don't mow your lawn at all!
Ben : [pause] It's a wilderness garden!
Mr. Casey : [Points to Nick] And you've been letting him sunbathe out there - in the nude!
Susan Harper : He never did that!
Nick : Yes, I did!
Mr. Casey : ...while my mother was out there taking tea!
Ben : Oh, really? She shouldn't have been looking!
Mr. Casey : He was up a tree!
Nick : I'm a child of nature!
-
Ben : OK! What's Casey done now?
Susan Harper : Mr Casey hasn't done anything.
Ben : Don't lie to me, Susan! We saw the fire engine!
Susan Harper : Alright! The shed burnt down.
Ben : W-what? My... He... he burnt my shed down? Mr Casey burnt my shed down?
Susan Harper : This has nothing to do with Mr Casey! It was an accident!
Ben : There is no such thing as an accident, Susan!
Susan Harper : Alright. It's your fault. The fire officer said you had four open tins of paint in there. Between that and the oily rags, it was inevitable.
Ben : Oh, I see! So tins of paint and oily rags just spontaneously combust?
Susan Harper : Yes!
-
Ben : There - the last earthly remains of my shed! I had such plans!
Nick : Leave it with me, dad. I'll see if I can fix it.
Ben : No. Don't bother, Nick. Nothing can replace my shed.
Susan Harper : How about another shed?
Nick : [laughs] It's alright, Nick. It's alright. She doesn't understand.
Janey Harper : Well, I don't understand either.
Nick : Actually, I don't understand.
Ben : It's just that a man must have a shed.
Susan Harper : We never knew you had a shed until it burnt down.
Ben : Well, nevertheless, I feel I've been emasculated. It's like not having a toolbox.
Nick : You haven't got a toolbox.
Ben : Haven't I?
Nick : No. You weren't using it, so... it sort of got sold!
Ben : What did you do that for?
Nick : The money?
-
Ben : What am I supposed to do if something goes wrong in the house?
Susan Harper : What you always do: ignore it and let me sort it out.
-
Young Woman : Mr Harper?
Ben : Erm... yes?
Young Woman : We wondered if we could have a word. We're researchers from the television programme 'Nightmare Neighbours'.
Ben : [laughs fiendishly] Oh, ah... oh, please come in! Come in!
Young Woman : Thank you.
Ben : Mmm... Actually, you can do a programme about my neighbour, Mr Casey!
Young Woman : Well, that's why we're here.
Ben : Good! Terrific!
Young Woman : Mr Casey's asked us to do a programme about you!
-
Ben : Ah, Mr Casey. How lovely to see you.
Mr. Casey : Now look here, Mr Harper! I demand an apology!
Susan Harper : Well, you can't have it!
Ben : I apologise.
Susan Harper : What?
Ben : It's all my fault.
Mr. Casey : Oh. Well, I'm prepared to bury the hatchet if you agree to certain conditions.
Susan Harper : Never!
Ben : Sure! Fire away!
Mr. Casey : For a start, stop blasting loud, hideous music at night!
Susan Harper : We like hideous music!
Ben : That's no problem.
Mr. Casey : Secondly, that fence is staying where it is!
Ben : Absolutely. And strictly speaking, as it's my fence, I should... pay for it?
Mr. Casey : Oh. Well. Alright. But I'm not paying for that shed.
Susan Harper : Arsonist!
Ben : Susan. Susan. Please?
Mr. Casey : Ah... I want you to pay a professional gardener to come and tidy up that jungle!
Ben : Yep. Consider it done.
Mr. Casey : And I want to park my car across your drive whenever I like!
Ben : Whatever you want. It's alright. Anything else?
Mr. Casey : Yes. I want... I want... I want that photo frame!
