M*A*S*H (TV Series)

War of Nerves (1977)

Jamie Farr: Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maj. Sidney Freedman : Klinger, let me ask you something. Why do you want to get out of here?

  Maxwell Klinger : Why? Well there's, there's lots of reasons. I guess death tops the list. I don't wanna die. And I don't wanna look at other people while they do it. And I don't wanna be told where to stand while it happens to me. And I don't wanna be told how to do it to somebody else. And I ain't gonna, period, that's it, I'm gettin' out.

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : You don't like death.

  Maxwell Klinger : Overall, I'd rather lay in a hammock with a couple of girls than be dead. Yes.

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : Listen, Klinger. You're not crazy.

  Maxwell Klinger : I'm not? Really?

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size twelve pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoopskirts right behind you.

• Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Gina Lollobrigida used to make me drool. And last week I looked at a picture of this beautiful, voluptuous woman, and all I could think of was, "How could she wear a peasant blouse with a tweed skirt?" Now is that "El Flippo" or what?

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : Look, you're in the crazy business. Fashion consciousness is just a tool of the trade.

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Doc, I go to sleep wondering if my pleats will hold out for another day. My palms got sweaty last week when I read that cocktail-length hems are going longer in the back, and I just don't have the material. Now that's sane, right?

• Maxwell Klinger : Can I talk to you, Major? I hear you got your shingle out.

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : I realize I've only told you about a hundred and twelve times, but I can't help you with the Section Eight routine, Klinger.

  Maxwell Klinger : Oh, I don't wanna talk about getting out. I wanna talk about being crazy.

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : Well, this is a novel approach. Go on.

  Maxwell Klinger : No, I mean it. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. You want me to lie down?

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : What's the problem?

  Maxwell Klinger : Well, I look at myself in the mirror lately, and I see this guy in earrings, pillbox hat, veil, maybe a little choker of pearls. And I ask myself..."Would a sane man dress like this?" I'm tryin' to convince them, and I'm convincing myself.

  Maj. Sidney Freedman : You're actually worried?

  Maxwell Klinger : Major, I think I'm *really* goin' nuts.