M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Strange Bedfellows (1983)

David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester

Quotes 

• Maj. Charles Winchester : Gentlemen and Margaret, as a physician, I'm fully aware that pollen can cause certain allergic reactions which, in certain circumstances, can lead to snoring. However, in this case, that cannot be the case.

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Why not?

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Because I do not snore!

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Charles, what is the big deal about admitting it?

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : A lot of people snore.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : A lot of people dribble soup on their chins and vote for Democrats.

• Maj. Charles Winchester : Uh, I'm afraid there is the possibility slim though it be that I...

  [whimpers] 

  Maj. Charles Winchester : snore.

  Father Francis Mulcahy : Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What... courage it took to admit that.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life, I have harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I'm not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do... snore like a common factory worker? What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today... snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby? What if, perish the thought, I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.

  Father Francis Mulcahy : Well, Major... I certainly am glad you've confided in me. This shows me a dimension of you that I had never fully appreciated.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, thank you, Father.

  Father Francis Mulcahy : Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers, and who likes roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better than me then there's no point in living?

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, now, don't take it personally, Father.

  Father Francis Mulcahy : Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Uh...

  Father Francis Mulcahy : The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Shh!

  Father Francis Mulcahy : And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.

• Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, this is certainly the last time I ever come to you with a serious problem.

  Father Francis Mulcahy : I'm still waiting for the first time!

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Hawkeye and BJ rouse Charles from his snoring]  Charles!

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Oh, no, you don't. I am sick and tired of playing this game. Once and for all, I do not snore!

  All : [the whole camp, standing outside]  Oh, yes, you do!

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : We can hear you all the way over in postop!

  Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Actually, I'm impressed. Even my schnoz couldn't honk that loud.

  Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : You are giving our position away to the enemy!

• Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Charles! Those flowers are only gonna be blooming for a little while. When they're gone, your allergy will be gone. All we're asking is that you go somewhere else for a couple of nights, and let us get some sleep!

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Me? Let's talk you. You're the ones with the problem. You go somewhere else! I'd be more than happy to suggest a place.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : We live here. We don't snore. And we're not going anywhere!

  Maj. Charles Winchester : Probably the only three things we will ever have in common. Now, if you'll excuse me, this conversation is putting me to sleep.

• Maj. Charles Winchester : No, Charles does not snore. Since I have never snored in my entire life, why would I start all of a sudden? If, of course, I had. Which, of course, I haven't.

• Maj. Charles Winchester : Good morning!

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I wouldn't bring that up for a vote, if I were you.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Not unless you want to see a show of fists.

• Maj. Charles Winchester : [Hawkeye and BJ wake Charles with the sound of his own snoring]  Wha-What is that infernal noise?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You mean this tape recording of you not snoring?