Desperate Housewives (TV Series)
Pilot (2004)
Teri Hatcher: Susan Mayer
Photos
Quotes
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Susan Mayer : I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.
Gabrielle Solis : It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette : Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.
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Julie Mayer : Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
Susan Mayer : Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
Julie Mayer : But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
Susan Mayer : Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
Julie Mayer : Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
Susan Mayer : I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.
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Susan Mayer : I have a clog.
Mike Delfino : Excuse me?
Susan Mayer : And you're a plumber, right?
Mike Delfino : Yeah.
Susan Mayer : The clog's in the pipe.
Mike Delfino : Yeah, that's usually where they are.
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Susan Mayer : I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.
Mary Alice : Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.
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Susan Mayer : Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Mike Delfino : Why?
Susan Mayer : I made it, trust me.
[Mike prepares to take a bite]
Susan Mayer : Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
Mike Delfino : No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
[Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling]
Mike Delfino : Oh my God.
[makes a face]
Mike Delfino : How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
Susan Mayer : Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
[Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]
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Julie Mayer : Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?
[Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed]
Julie Mayer : Are you mad that I asked you that?
Susan Mayer : No, I'm just trying to remember.
[Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing]
Susan Mayer : I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.
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Susan Mayer : How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?
Julie Mayer : Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
Susan Mayer : You're right.
[stalling]
Susan Mayer : So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.
Julie Mayer : Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
Susan Mayer : [gapes at Julie] Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
Julie Mayer : You were using me to hurt Dad.
Susan Mayer : Oh, that's right. Oh, God.
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Susan Mayer : I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
Julie Mayer : You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
[Susan gives her a look]
Julie Mayer : You're right. They're doing it.
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[last lines]
Susan Mayer : Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?
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Gabrielle Solis : If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.
Susan Mayer : Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.
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Mike Delfino : I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.
Susan Mayer : Susan Mayer. I live across the street.
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Susan Mayer : [breaking into Edie's house] Hello, anybody home? I need to borrow sugar.