- Susan Mayer: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.
- Gabrielle Solis: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
- Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.
- Lynette: You are going to behave today. I am not gonna be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know that I'm serious, I am...
- [takes a piece of paper out of her pocket]
- Porter Scavo: What's that?
- Lynette: Santa's cell-phone number!
- Preston Scavo: How'd you get that?
- Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?
- Rex: Since when do you make mistakes?
- Bree: What's that supposed to mean?
- Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.
- Julie Mayer: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
- Susan Mayer: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
- Julie Mayer: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
- Susan Mayer: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
- Julie Mayer: Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
- Susan Mayer: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.
- John Rowland: [John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?
- Gabrielle Solis: What?
- John Rowland: Why you married Mr. Solis.
- Gabrielle Solis: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
- John Rowland: Well, did he?
- Gabrielle Solis: Yes.
- John Rowland: Then... why aren't you happy?
- Gabrielle Solis: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
- John Rowland: So. Do you love him?
- Gabrielle Solis: [sighs] I do.
- John Rowland: So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
- Gabrielle Solis: [smoking a cigarette] Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out.
- John Rowland: Hey, can I have a drag?
- Gabrielle Solis: Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke.
- Susan Mayer: I have a clog.
- Mike Delfino: Excuse me?
- Susan Mayer: And you're a plumber, right?
- Mike Delfino: Yeah.
- Susan Mayer: The clog's in the pipe.
- Mike Delfino: Yeah, that's usually where they are.
- Susan Mayer: I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.
- Mary Alice: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.
- [first lines]
- Mary Alice: [voice over narration] My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used. My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who'd been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.
- Mary Alice: [voice over narration] And, for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.
- Carlos Solis: At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield.
- Gabrielle Solis: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.
- [first lines]
- Mary Alice: [voice over narration] Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family.
- Susan Mayer: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
- Mike Delfino: Why?
- Susan Mayer: I made it, trust me.
- [Mike prepares to take a bite]
- Susan Mayer: Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
- Mike Delfino: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
- [Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling]
- Mike Delfino: Oh my God.
- [makes a face]
- Mike Delfino: How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
- Susan Mayer: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
- [Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]
- Lynette: What are you doing? We are at a wake!
- Preston Scavo: When we got here you said we could go in the pool.
- Lynette: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?
- Preston Scavo: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes before we left.
- Julie Mayer: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?
- [Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed]
- Julie Mayer: Are you mad that I asked you that?
- Susan Mayer: No, I'm just trying to remember.
- [Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing]
- Susan Mayer: I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.
- Gabrielle Solis: This table was hand-carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him twenty three thousand dollars.
- John Rowland: You wanna do it on the table this time?
- Gabrielle Solis: Absolutely.
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
- Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
- Bree: First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
- [turns to Andrew]
- Bree: So, how's the osso buco?
- Andrew Van De Kamp: It's okay.
- Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?
- Andrew Van De Kamp: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
- Bree: [shocked] Excuse me?
- Andrew Van De Kamp: Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.
- Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans?
- Danielle Van De Kamp: [turns to Andrew] Apologize now, I am begging.
- Andrew Van De Kamp: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
- Bree: Are you doing drugs?
- Andrew Van De Kamp: What?
- Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
- Danielle Van De Kamp: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
- Andrew Van De Kamp: Shut up.
- [to Bree]
- Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.
- Bree: [at the dinner table] Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.
- Rex: Pass the salt?
- Susan Mayer: How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?
- Julie Mayer: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
- Susan Mayer: You're right.
- [stalling]
- Susan Mayer: So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.
- Julie Mayer: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
- Susan Mayer: [gapes at Julie] Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
- Julie Mayer: You were using me to hurt Dad.
- Susan Mayer: Oh, that's right. Oh, God.
- Lynette: Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.
- Tom Scavo: A condom?
- Lynette: Yeah.
- Tom Scavo: What's the big deal? Let's risk it.
- Lynette: Let's risk it?
- Tom Scavo: Yeah.
- [Lynette punches him in the face]
- Susan Mayer: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
- Julie Mayer: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
- [Susan gives her a look]
- Julie Mayer: You're right. They're doing it.
- Gabrielle Solis: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.
- Susan Mayer: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.
- Mike Delfino: I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.
- Susan Mayer: Susan Mayer. I live across the street.
- Gabrielle Solis: I really hate the way you talk to me.
- Carlos Solis: And I really hate that I spent fifteen thousand dollars on your diamond necklace, that you couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it.
- Gabrielle Solis: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
- Carlos Solis: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
- Gabrielle Solis: I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.