The Painter (I) (2024)
2/10
A documentary about corn would be less corny!
13 January 2024
Aside from this being nothing new or original, it's a poorly written and directed effort with corny dialogue and laughable action scenes.

In the early stages, we are meant to believe that a criminal of some importance has a security team made entirely of imbeciles that can't fight. They're so bad in fact, that a single man who moves slowly can defeat them all. Perhaps part of the reason for this is that, when one of the bodyguards is fighting with the hero, all the others become paralysed and only regain the ability to move when it's their turn to throw a punch 3 yards from his head. Throw in the odd embarrassingly bad commando roll that wouldn't look out of place in a 4 year olds gymnastics class and there you have it.

But that isn't all this cinematic masterpiece has to offer. No, it also has highly trained operators armed with assault rifles that couldn't hit a barn from 5 yards away. If those are the people that are meant to keep us safe, then we are doomed as a child with a catapult would make a more effective fighting force.

Finally, we come to the twist and the last bit of dialogue, which is delivered with all the emotional intensity of someone reading their gas bill out loud.

Consider this my favour to you - I have watched it so that you don't have to.
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