5/10
"The Nuclear Affair"
10 November 2023
Warning: Spoilers
THRUSH is back in business, and one of their top men is broken out of prison after 15 years, heading up a scheme wherein a nuclear device is stolen from a downed military jet. A huge ransom is demanded or the device will destroy part of the USA, and the agency demands the ransom be delivered by former UNCLE agent Napoleon Solo-- who must be recruited back to do the job-- and he has to recruit his former partner Ilya Kuryakin, who quit years earlier over a mission that went bad. Solo know his old enemy well enough to believe the man will detonate the device EVEN AFTER he's been paid, and so plans a two-pronged assault to find and deactivate the bomb on one hand, and find and take down the new THRUSH HQ on the other.

It all sounds a lot better than it actually is-- TRUST me!

In the late 70s, "reunion" films became a new fad in the wake of RESCUE FROM GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. Tragically, too many of them were apallingly-bad, like THE WILD WILD WEST REVISITED, THE RETURN OF MAXWELL SMART, and STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE. This one didn't happen until several years later (1983). Compared to those 3 examples... it's not that bad. But that's not what I'd call a glowing reccomendation. TV adventure shows were demasculated in the late 70s by heavy censorship, and in the early 80s, network TV was still trying to figure out how to do exciting action shows again. (Having to watch bad guys climb out of just-crashed cars BEFORE they explode, so nobody actually gets killed onscreen, gets extremely annoying after the first time you've seen it.)

I first saw this (and taped it!) when it was first-run. At the time, I'd actually seen very little of UNCLE. But watching it on DVD now, it has the huge disadvantage of my having just watched EVERY single episode of UNCLE in sequence (even the "GIRL" episodes). Season 1 was revolutionary for TV at the time, and as close to perfect as a show from that era could be. Seasons 2 & 3 (and yes, "GIRL" as well) had a lot of really fun episodes, but far too many just got SILLY-- and STUPID. Season 4 was a revelation; I've NEVER seen a show turn around like that one did. Until the unintended series finale (which was painfully padded-out to 2 episodes), there had NOT been a single bad episode in there. So going from THAT-- to THIS-- was one of the most painful TV-viewing experiences I've had this year. Let me put it this way: I'd rather re-watch Season 3.

I feel the source of the entire problem can be summed up in one person: MICHAEL SLOAN. When he took over as Producer on McCLOUD in its 7th season, the quality of the writing went through the floor. I know he got better as he went (see KUNG FU: THE LEGEND CONTINUES). But I fear he hadn't made it there yet when he did this. It just feels amateurish, like it was done by some enthusiastic fan who thinks he knows the show, but really doesn't. And I have to wonder what happened with director Ray Austin. EVERY episode of THE AVENGERS he did in the 60s and 70s was better-done than this! Nearly every actor in this gives a STIFF, lifeless performance, as if they're all reading from cue cards during a rehearsal. The incessant attempts at humor are NOT funny, and annoying. The only exception to this is during the really lame car-chase in Vegas when several cars crash, and George Lazenby looks straight at the camera and says, "Shaken-- but not stirred!" THAT I found funny.

Details... with 105 episodes of THE MAN FROM UNCLE at their disposal, do they mean to tell me they couldn't find ONE villain actor from that show to come back for "revenge"-- and they had to make up several new ones? Anthony Zerbe (THE OMEGA MAN), Keenan Wynn (DR. STRANGELOVE) and Geoffrey Lewis (HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER) all seem wasted in this. Gayle Hunnicutt (SHERLOCK HOLMES: "A Scandal In Bohemia") arguably gives the single worst acting performance in the entire film. Carolyn Seymour, an excellent actress (RETURN OF THE SAINT: "The Arrangement") is barely even visible in her one brief cameo. At least Simon Williams (DOCTOR WHO: "Remembrance of the Daleks"), Lois De Banzie (SUDDEN IMPACT), Dick Durock (SWAMP THING), John Harkins (DARK SHADOWS), and Randi Brooks (MIKE HAMMER: "Dead Pigeon") had memorable moments.

On the other hand, Tom Mason's "Benjamin Kowalski" was the MOST annoying character in the entire film. THIS guy is supposed to represent a modern UNCLE agent? He's even more insufferable here than he was when he played "Archie Goodwin" opposite Thayer David in the 1977 unsold NERO WOLFE pilot.

When Vaughn & McCallum are onscreen, it's not bad, but you get really tired of being reminded every few minutes that they're older, out-of-shape and out-of-place. And Patrick Macnee, one of my all-time favorite actors, seemes even more out-of-place as "Sir John Raleigh", supposedly stepping into the top slot but somehow knowing less about UNCLE than 2 former agents do. The organization has clearly gone to pot.

Even the high-speed camera-pan scene-change visuals got on my nerves here-- as did the music. Those never did on the original show.

I think the thing that puts the final kibosh on it is having Zerbe's main villain ESCAPE at the end. WHAT were they thinking? "He'll come back in the sequel"? Well, there WASN'T one, and looking back now, I can really tell why.

As a parting shot, I'd like to reccomend what I consider the BEST reunion movie I ever saw: GET SMART AGAIN (1989). That one ignored the previous reunion (pretended it never happened, basically), and was a loving tribute to the original show in many ways that this thing simply WASN'T. But, I shouldn't be surprised. I ALWAYS liked GET SMART more than THE MAN FROM UNCLE anyway.
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