Descendants 2 (2017 TV Movie)
1/10
Horrendous even for a DCOM
22 July 2017
Most DCOMs are exceedingly mediocre--watchable but contentless. However, the "Descendants" franchise is a rare exception, as it bangs you over the head with the character's (nonexistent) villainy, over dramatic relationship scenes, and godawful musical scenes in a way you unfortunately won't soon forget.

Where most DCOMs only throw in one choreographed singing/dancing scene and leave it there, "Descendants" runs on them. Unfortunately the songs are poorly autotuned messes mixed with the worst 'rapping' I've ever heard in my life, then topped off with the actor's poor lip syncing. The lyrics of course are supposed to show how 'evil'/edgy the characters are but only succeed in making them sound like total cornballs, even to 8 year olds (spelling out wicked to sound tough would have gotten you beat up at my elementary school). While the choreography looks like it was directed by one of the kids on "Backstage". (Actually, why does a low budget Canadian import show have 10 times better choreography than the feature film for Disney's newest merchandise franchise?)

As for the plot itself, it's far worse than the typical DCOM. Whereas a normal DCOM (like their latest, "Adventures in Babysitting") can be fun to watch as a time waster or ironically, "Descendants 1 and 2" are so cringeworthy, garbled, and overlong that you will want to switch the channel just minutes in. The characters take their high school drama and relationships far too seriously for viewers to do anything but laugh (the amount of narmy declaration of love scenes is nauseating). While the story is boring with very little character development or progression besides running from point A to B and back. The talking dog was probably the nail in the casket as far as humor goes, abhorrent even to an 8 year old. Acting? Let's just say I'm pretty sure half the cast is related to the producers because in no way are any of them qualified for even direct to TV gigs. I'm not even going into the costume/set design except to say it was an abysmal idea to give the kid doing a bad Johnny Depp impression eyeliner when he's supposed to be an unhinged/scary pirate.

If Disney continues serving trash like this I would expect their ratings decline to continue for the near future (down 25% last quarter alone). Maybe instead of dumping so much promo into the sequel for the mess that was "Descendants 1" they should have done a spin off for films like "Lemonade Mouth" that people actually enjoyed. Disney has dumped 2 mini-TV series, 2 films, and the biggest promo run since the "High School Musical" franchise into what was originally the Descendants book series and I doubt the merch is selling enough to offset all those costs.

I have no problem with Disney making dramatic DCOMs, but please stop making drivel like "Descendants" that treats children like they are brain dead and write something with substance ("Geek Charming" and "Lemonade Mouth" being examples of drama/relationship DCOMs executed right).
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