This is one of the worst films I have ever seen in my 35 years, and the sole reason I signed up for the IMDb account. Consider this review my personal therapy to get this filth out of my system. I wanted to see this film because Spiders in 3D sounds tantalizing, right? Who wouldn't have enjoyed the classic Arachnaphobia in 3D? The filmmakers must have decided it was tantalizing too. What a genius way of selling a worthless, pointless and talentless film. Here are 10 reasons why this disaster of a movie should be avoided: a) The doctor who performs the autopsy early on probably skipped Biology class. I quote: "some insects, such as spiders, plant their eggs in a foreign host". Well, when I was four, I learned that insects have six legs, spiders have eight. b)Pete, or Jason, or ... who is who, anyway? Why do they have Patrick Muldoon's double playing his friend Pete? I can't tell them apart. They have the same stupid goatee. They both look like porn stars. c) The whole cast looks like porn stars. Every time someone begins a dialogue, I expect them to start undressing. There really is no other way to describe the horrible script, the deplorable acting and the atrociously unnatural conversations people have in this movie. d) Phoebe, Jason's other daughter... oh wait, no, is she the au pair? Why does she have a Russian accent? Oh, OK, she's the director's niece. Got it! e) "Adam put in an extra shot of expresso." Did he really mispronounce espresso? I have this idea: let's place the movie's setting in the early 1990's, and let's make it more realistic by having characters say 'expresso' instead of espresso, and, oh! Let's give them goatees. That way, it's easier to explain the references to the Soviets, and we don't have to make that many changes to this cheap script that's been lying around since 1985... Besides, back then, people didn't know the difference between spiders and insects. f) "The queen is always implanted in the first host." Yes, did you not know that? Spiders can communicate through telepathy, so there's no misunderstanding about who bites first. 'Everyone, I'm gonna bite this guy Jimmy here, so that'll be the queen, you hear?' g) Oh, yes, spiders have a queen. She's like the boss. But all spiders lay eggs, apparently. At least there's no gender discrimination. h) The spiders look like they have been photoshopped from the 70s. They look utterly ridiculous. i) I guess the filmmakers realized this a little late, so they changed the script: "They look like huge spiders, but that is just the form that they are inhabiting. Twenty years ago, we discovered a spacecraft..." OK, so they are really aliens dressing up as spiders. j) Don't even get me started on the 3d. I suspect it's short for 3 digit budget.
I suppose I could go on, but I ended up fastforwarding through much of the film. But it's not all bad. The length is the film's one redeeming quality, clocking in at one hour and thirty. It's an hour and a half you'll want back, though.
I suppose I could go on, but I ended up fastforwarding through much of the film. But it's not all bad. The length is the film's one redeeming quality, clocking in at one hour and thirty. It's an hour and a half you'll want back, though.