This review will most definitely contain spoilers. But, since I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone watch this film, I don't feel that bad about divulging pieces of the "plot." I do not like writing bad reviews. Really, I try to find redeeming qualities in most movies, which is also why I find myself watching the entirety of movies that I wished I'd stopped five minutes in. This is one of those movies.
I knew within the first three minutes that this was not going to be a good movie. The fake blood thrown all over the stuffed animals during the opening credits solidified my premonition of terribleness. I could not help but feel distracted by the copious amounts of watery, randomly distributed blood dripping from the dolls, posters, and stuffed bears throughout the beginning. Don't get me wrong, I love a good, bloody horror film a la Evil Dead, but this wasn't that.
Then, in a brief glimpse of hope, three precocious little girls appeared, and I always love precocious film children. I even enjoyed the dialogue: "You can't go in there!" "Watch me." But, alas, everything went downhill from there.
To begin with, why would the brave little girl who entered the supposedly scary Darrode House not scream when she saw several dead children strewn throughout the house? It takes an eye seen through a keyhole to make her scream. Seriously? Not even the woman jamming her hand down the disposal in the kitchen sink gleaned a tiny ounce of fear? Okay, sure, fine, whatever.
We move on...
The characters are nothing less than stereotypical, teen-or-young-adult horror kill-offs. There's even a token black guy, but he's not the first to die, which I guess is progress. I wanted to believe that Jeffrey Combs, who we should all remember from such films as Re-Animator and The Frighteners, would redeem the film, but I was disappointed. That is not to say his portrayal of the energetic horror-attraction creator extraordinaire wasn't what it was supposed to be. It was. But, it wasn't enough to redeem any part of this mess of a film.
I am generally a fan of B horror movies, especially those from horror fest series. I can usually recognize the work put into making a low budget film look and feel great. This movie was simply lacking in every area from writing, to direction, to editing and special effects. On the latter, the special effects were, simply put, terrible. Not only that, but they were used far too frequently to be scary or even funny.
On that note, I wanted the film to end up being funny. If it wasn't going to be scary or even good, at least it could reach for campy. Some of the dialogue almost hit the mark. I even thought I might see some funny lesbian subplot at one point due to a quick line exchanged between catty-blonde-bimbo-actress and lesbian-blonde-horror-attraction-creator. Alas, this never occurred, and the humor ceased as quickly as it came. Oh, but I really do hate it when I vomit noxious green gases. That's always a bummer.
By the time the twist was revealed, I just did not care anymore. I did, however, feel a bit perturbed by the children's decision to burn the Bibles that Mrs. Bat-Crap-Crazy Darrode was misinterpreting and abusing instead of, oh, I don't know, killing her. Would that not have solved their problems? And I am sure the authorities would have forgiven them given the abusive nature of the situation. Then again, we wouldn't have a movie, would we?
Oh, and nice recap at the end.
I love good haunted house movies. I really do. I grew up watching the original William Castle pictures, House on Haunted Hill and 13 Ghosts, over and over again. When those two films were remade, and when those loose remakes turned out to be absolutely terrible, I more than threw up in my mouth. I threw up on Tony Shalhoub. (Not that I dislike Tony Shalhoub, but why was he in Thir13en Ghosts?).
Dark House is the same caliber as Thir13en Ghosts and the House on Haunted Hill remake. It's not scary, it's not well-made, it's not even funny. If you listen to me, you'll avoid this film... unless, of course, you want to write a bad review, then by all means watch this movie for plenty of bad review fodder.
I knew within the first three minutes that this was not going to be a good movie. The fake blood thrown all over the stuffed animals during the opening credits solidified my premonition of terribleness. I could not help but feel distracted by the copious amounts of watery, randomly distributed blood dripping from the dolls, posters, and stuffed bears throughout the beginning. Don't get me wrong, I love a good, bloody horror film a la Evil Dead, but this wasn't that.
Then, in a brief glimpse of hope, three precocious little girls appeared, and I always love precocious film children. I even enjoyed the dialogue: "You can't go in there!" "Watch me." But, alas, everything went downhill from there.
To begin with, why would the brave little girl who entered the supposedly scary Darrode House not scream when she saw several dead children strewn throughout the house? It takes an eye seen through a keyhole to make her scream. Seriously? Not even the woman jamming her hand down the disposal in the kitchen sink gleaned a tiny ounce of fear? Okay, sure, fine, whatever.
We move on...
The characters are nothing less than stereotypical, teen-or-young-adult horror kill-offs. There's even a token black guy, but he's not the first to die, which I guess is progress. I wanted to believe that Jeffrey Combs, who we should all remember from such films as Re-Animator and The Frighteners, would redeem the film, but I was disappointed. That is not to say his portrayal of the energetic horror-attraction creator extraordinaire wasn't what it was supposed to be. It was. But, it wasn't enough to redeem any part of this mess of a film.
I am generally a fan of B horror movies, especially those from horror fest series. I can usually recognize the work put into making a low budget film look and feel great. This movie was simply lacking in every area from writing, to direction, to editing and special effects. On the latter, the special effects were, simply put, terrible. Not only that, but they were used far too frequently to be scary or even funny.
On that note, I wanted the film to end up being funny. If it wasn't going to be scary or even good, at least it could reach for campy. Some of the dialogue almost hit the mark. I even thought I might see some funny lesbian subplot at one point due to a quick line exchanged between catty-blonde-bimbo-actress and lesbian-blonde-horror-attraction-creator. Alas, this never occurred, and the humor ceased as quickly as it came. Oh, but I really do hate it when I vomit noxious green gases. That's always a bummer.
By the time the twist was revealed, I just did not care anymore. I did, however, feel a bit perturbed by the children's decision to burn the Bibles that Mrs. Bat-Crap-Crazy Darrode was misinterpreting and abusing instead of, oh, I don't know, killing her. Would that not have solved their problems? And I am sure the authorities would have forgiven them given the abusive nature of the situation. Then again, we wouldn't have a movie, would we?
Oh, and nice recap at the end.
I love good haunted house movies. I really do. I grew up watching the original William Castle pictures, House on Haunted Hill and 13 Ghosts, over and over again. When those two films were remade, and when those loose remakes turned out to be absolutely terrible, I more than threw up in my mouth. I threw up on Tony Shalhoub. (Not that I dislike Tony Shalhoub, but why was he in Thir13en Ghosts?).
Dark House is the same caliber as Thir13en Ghosts and the House on Haunted Hill remake. It's not scary, it's not well-made, it's not even funny. If you listen to me, you'll avoid this film... unless, of course, you want to write a bad review, then by all means watch this movie for plenty of bad review fodder.