3/10
This only has value as softcore nostalgia
2 June 2011
Warning: Spoilers
Ah, the 1990s! The glory days of skinflicks before people could get the hard stuff with a click of a mouse button. Young actresses who don't know any better taking off their clothes with stars in their eyes. Sets that look like somebody's garage. Scripts that make almost as much sense reading them backwards as forwards. Direction that doesn't involve much more than keeping the girls' nipples in focus. Yes, those were the days and Teach Me Tonight is like a portal into softcore porno nostalgia.

Janie (Judy Thompson) is a lab researcher at some nondescript college. She's living with her grad student boyfriend (Rob Moses) when her old high school buddy Frankie (Kim Yates) blows into town. A loud exhibitionist who's willing to jump in the sack at the drop of her panties, Frankie spends a night on the couch in Janie and Michael's apartment, but not before offering herself as a one-third of a threeway. Janie finds out Michael is cheating on her, which leads to a rather lame attempt at revenge involving Michael's professor (John Logan) and results in Janie and Frankie having sex.

Then about a half hour into story, these filmmakers apparently realized they didn't have anything vaguely resembling a plot, so Michael winds up with a bullet in his head and Janie is left to figure out if it was Frankie or someone involved in Michael's drug dealing business, while a hard ass police detective (Jack Becker) thinks Janie's the one who did it. Being suspected of murder seems to turn Janie on, since her immediate reaction is to masturbate, and there's finally a drug addled threesome before Teach Me Tonight mercifully puts itself out of its misery.

Though only three women get naked in this thing, Judy Thompson and Kim Yates are very attractive with Cece Sinclair only slightly bringing up the rear. On average, there's a sex scene every 15 minutes, which is a bit slow for this particular genre but they heavily focus on the women with as little man ass on screen as possible. So if you were a teenage boy looking for "motivational" material in the late 90s, this film would have satisfied your requirements.

Beyond that, Teach Me Tonight is so terrible it will make you feel like your brain is leaking out of your ears. Jack Becker plays the traditional role of "only person in a skinflick who can act", with the rest of the cast combining to have as much talent as a head of lettuce. Director Rick Blaine's skill extends only to turning the camera on and then walking away. The one time he tries to utilize some camera movement, he manages to be more nausea inducing in 2 minutes than the entire Blair Witch Project. And I can only guess that writer David Keith Miller suffered some sort of serious head trauma before coming up with this screenplay because much of it seems to be the product of a brain that can no longer understand human behavior or appreciate causality.

Except for two pretty women, this film looks and sounds like crap. Unless you've permanently lost your internet connection, I can't imagine any reason why anyone would want or need to watch Teach Me Tonight.
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