James Cameron can rest easy ... someone has finally made a piranha movie that's even more ridiculous than his legendary directorial debut, "Piranha II: The Spawning."
The mad scientists at the Asylum, home of "Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" and seemingly dozens of "mockbusters," have hit a home run with their latest masterwork, "Mega Piranha." It's got everything we have come to expect from an Asylum film -- a ridiculous plot, hilariously awful dialogue, cheap CGI special effects, and acting roles filled by has-beens from days gone by (gaze at the wonder that is Barry "Greg Brady" Williams as the US Secretary of State, and former '80s teen pop star Tiffany as a government scientist!). But then, no one goes into a movie like this expecting "Gone With the Wind." I'll go out on a limb and proclaim "Mega Piranha" to be a better film than the aforementioned "Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" -- of course, that's not saying much, but at least "Mega Piranha" keeps the action flowing at a quick pace, while "MS vs. GO" got bogged down at times with too many scenes of dialogue. The story is negligible of course -- the U.S. ambassador to Venezuela mysteriously disappears during a boat excursion on the river, leading the state department to send in a lone G.I. Joe type to investigate what happened. Terrorists are suspected, but the truth is even worse - that the ambassador's boat happened into a portion of the river ruled by mutant piranhas the size of Great Danes. The fish were part of a failed experiment conducted by Tiffany and her laboratory crew, who thought they'd all been destroyed. You have to wonder why anyone would think that messing with piranha DNA till they're bulked up bigger than Mark McGwire would be a good idea in any context, but that's neither here nor there. The local military leader believes that the fish are part of an American government plot to take over his country, so he orders an air strike on the natural dam that keeps the piranha contained to one part of the river. Predictably, all fishy hell breaks loose from there. Not only are these piranha nasty, but they grow "exponentially," meaning by the time they reach civilization they're the size of Winnebagos and are jumping out of the water, crashing into buildings, swallowing people in one gulp, and causing mass mayhem as they head for the open water of the ocean. Will G.I. Joe and Tiffany succeed in stopping the fishy menace before they reach American waters? I will leave it to you to watch for yourself and find out. In case I haven't made myself perfectly clear, "Mega Piranha" was a 24 Karat hoot. In addition to the usual gallery of "killer creature movie clichés" present throughout the film, we get the added bonus of an international intrigue subplot and the action movie clichés' that go along with them. I got a kick out of the endless scene changes that were accompanied by a "Swoooooosh!" or "BAM!" sound effect, and the occasional split-screen trick ala "24." Now that I think about it, G.I. Joe Guy plays his role as sort of a low-rent Jack Bauer, monotone voice and all. You know this guy's a bad ass because he only needs his K-Bar commando knife, or a series of well placed kung-fu kicks, to defend himself against the killer sushi. Now I guess there's nothing to do but sit back and wait for the inevitable "Mega Piranha Vs. Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" crossover film that Asylum is probably already writing as I speak. Can the B-film world handle the acting chops of Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson in the same movie?? Either way, I'm betting my money on the piranhas.
The mad scientists at the Asylum, home of "Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" and seemingly dozens of "mockbusters," have hit a home run with their latest masterwork, "Mega Piranha." It's got everything we have come to expect from an Asylum film -- a ridiculous plot, hilariously awful dialogue, cheap CGI special effects, and acting roles filled by has-beens from days gone by (gaze at the wonder that is Barry "Greg Brady" Williams as the US Secretary of State, and former '80s teen pop star Tiffany as a government scientist!). But then, no one goes into a movie like this expecting "Gone With the Wind." I'll go out on a limb and proclaim "Mega Piranha" to be a better film than the aforementioned "Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" -- of course, that's not saying much, but at least "Mega Piranha" keeps the action flowing at a quick pace, while "MS vs. GO" got bogged down at times with too many scenes of dialogue. The story is negligible of course -- the U.S. ambassador to Venezuela mysteriously disappears during a boat excursion on the river, leading the state department to send in a lone G.I. Joe type to investigate what happened. Terrorists are suspected, but the truth is even worse - that the ambassador's boat happened into a portion of the river ruled by mutant piranhas the size of Great Danes. The fish were part of a failed experiment conducted by Tiffany and her laboratory crew, who thought they'd all been destroyed. You have to wonder why anyone would think that messing with piranha DNA till they're bulked up bigger than Mark McGwire would be a good idea in any context, but that's neither here nor there. The local military leader believes that the fish are part of an American government plot to take over his country, so he orders an air strike on the natural dam that keeps the piranha contained to one part of the river. Predictably, all fishy hell breaks loose from there. Not only are these piranha nasty, but they grow "exponentially," meaning by the time they reach civilization they're the size of Winnebagos and are jumping out of the water, crashing into buildings, swallowing people in one gulp, and causing mass mayhem as they head for the open water of the ocean. Will G.I. Joe and Tiffany succeed in stopping the fishy menace before they reach American waters? I will leave it to you to watch for yourself and find out. In case I haven't made myself perfectly clear, "Mega Piranha" was a 24 Karat hoot. In addition to the usual gallery of "killer creature movie clichés" present throughout the film, we get the added bonus of an international intrigue subplot and the action movie clichés' that go along with them. I got a kick out of the endless scene changes that were accompanied by a "Swoooooosh!" or "BAM!" sound effect, and the occasional split-screen trick ala "24." Now that I think about it, G.I. Joe Guy plays his role as sort of a low-rent Jack Bauer, monotone voice and all. You know this guy's a bad ass because he only needs his K-Bar commando knife, or a series of well placed kung-fu kicks, to defend himself against the killer sushi. Now I guess there's nothing to do but sit back and wait for the inevitable "Mega Piranha Vs. Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus" crossover film that Asylum is probably already writing as I speak. Can the B-film world handle the acting chops of Tiffany AND Debbie Gibson in the same movie?? Either way, I'm betting my money on the piranhas.