Alan Cade (decently played by Louis Herthum) conjures up a giant lethal snake to bump off the five teenagers who accidentally killed his wife Becky (a regrettably brief turn by the appealing Lisa Arnold) with their jeep. It's up to special ops vet Nick Kirabo (an extremely flat and wooden performance by rap singer DMX) to stop the gigantic reptilian beast before it's too late. Poorly directed by Amir Valinia, with slack pacing, highly variable acting, tin-eared dialogue (sample line: "You guys are total porklines"), laughably lousy CGI effects (the snake resembles a huge brown lump of excrement), a grindingly predictable plot (it's very easy to figure out who's going to live or die), and a limp and unexciting climax, this sour lemon of a dud crucially lacks the necessary trashy vigor to rate as a fun bad movie. Worse yet, the majority of the teens are grossly intolerable and obnoxious tools: Caleb Michaelson as the jerky Kurt, David Pullman as the equally repellent Clayton, Victoria Vodar as slutty blonde bimbo Ashley, and Derrick Denicola as annoying skateboarder Winston are all so utterly hateful that you just don't care what happens to them, thus negating any suspense this picture might have had. Since most of said characters drink booze and make out, they're obviously dead meat from the get go. Only Wes Brown as nice guy nerd Kelly and Lauren Fain as the sweet Sam offer some light relief. You know a film is exceptionally lame when the hot chick keeps her top on during the obligatory gratuitous simulated sex scene. A complete wash-out.
Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent
(2008 Video)
A very lackluster creature feature clunker
24 June 2009
Warning: Spoilers