dbborroughs Review of Five Golden Dragons

Five Golden Dragons (1967)

Funny for all the wrong reasons-get some friends and have some laughs.

[1/10 · 15 January 2009]

Singapore looks great. The rest of this film is so incredibly bad that its a wonder that Mystery Science Theater 3000 never found it. Equally amazing is that this film isn't high on the list of inept movies made by people who should know better. Forget the plot, it makes no real sense (it has something to do with a fat man being thrown off the balcony of a 12th story apartment thats empty, a note he leaves behind for a guy he met in Manila, and a group of people known as the Five Golden Dragons). Mostly its an excuse to have Bob Cummings (a fading sitcom star who's career faded even more after this) wander through various dangerous situations and say stupid things that are suppose to be funny. This is a comedy right? Actually most things I've seen about this film list it as a drama, which it never could be except in a drug addled mind. The dialog is awful. the performances are even worse. Its as if no one cared.(Maybe Klaus Kinski did since he's the only one not sending in a note that their performance couldn't come in because it was sick) Cummings is beyond bad.I mean beyond beyond (way past the land of hope and fear bad). The big name stars, George Raft, Brian Brian Donlevy, Christopher Lee and others, seem somnambulant in their very very brief appearances. Shall we talk about the continuity? Actually we could if there was some but there is not. Watch how things jump from shot to shot to shot . Nothing, and I do mean that, nothing matches. Who was the editor of this? Watch as people and objects move around a set with the greatest of ease.There is a drinking game waiting to be created here. I've read a couple of things since I watched this last night that described it as jaw dropping...and it is I could feel my jaw opening as I watched this and an incredulous expression go across my face. I also kept wondering what the heck I was watching. This is awful. I mean its bad. And if you can get drunk with some friends I think this is probably a laugh riot. In the words of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now "The Horror the horror." (If you must see this try to get the full version which can be had from Sinister Cinema since its got an extra half hour of truly awfulness from the version thats floating around on tape. I mean if you're going to abuse yourself, do it right)