A disclosure: I was actually looking forward to seeing this. I saw a titillating advertisement on the Sci Fi Channel regarding MONSTER ARK and thought, "Doesn't this sound like an interesting idea? A Noah's Ark filled with monsters somehow drifts into the present age?" Guess I got a little ahead of myself, because this is nothing but another in the Channel's endless barrage of CGI monster movies, squandering that clever concept in favor of a single creature of "darkness." One creature. Apparently, God commanded Noah to build an ark to transport this creature to the end of the world, drop it off, and then swim home to build another ark.
I feel for this director. I can see the wheels turning now: "Well, the concept isn't so great, but as long as I have a good script it will all be okay. What do you mean I wrote it? That's not good. Have you seen the rest of my credits? Okay, okay. Forget about that. The script might not be any good, but as long as I've got some great actors to pull it off... What do you mean the most visible of them is an ex-wrestler? And he's going to scream every one of his lines? Well, I'll make due, as long as I have an understated score to make everything creepy. What's that you're saying? It's going to sound like the charge of the light brigade? Well, forget all that. I can save this picture. All it needs is a great monster. That's all people really want to see, anyway. I'll just give them a wonderful, spine-chilling monster! What do you mean we can't afford a monster? You can't be serious. You're going to have someone design it with Lego's?" Better he just cross it off his resume and get on with his life. But this is the guy that brought us ROCK MONSTER, so maybe he considers MONSTER ARK a step up.
Let me be honest: this almost got my vote in the "so bad it's good" category. It's inept in so many ways that it becomes hilarious. My absolute favorite has to be Amanda Crew's character. She plays a "Research Assistant" for college Professor Tim DeKay...and does it entirely with a bared midriff. It doesn't matter what she's doing, she's got her shirt hiked up to expose her belly: in the lab, on the University grounds, in a military outpost filled with soldiers. She does it despite the presence of the Professor's wife (who divorced him because she believed he had an affair with a previous "Research Assistant"). But the most wonderfully offensive incidence has to be when she travels to a Muslim country, into a combat zone in Iraq, dressed this way. My mouth hung open in disbelief.
Thank heavens Declan O'Brien, the writer/director of this travesty, tied it up in the most offensive fashion he could: by showing the fallacy of Muslim belief, the inferiority of the Iraq people, and the crowning truth of the Judeo-Christian faith. That'll teach those savages! Unbelievable.
I feel for this director. I can see the wheels turning now: "Well, the concept isn't so great, but as long as I have a good script it will all be okay. What do you mean I wrote it? That's not good. Have you seen the rest of my credits? Okay, okay. Forget about that. The script might not be any good, but as long as I've got some great actors to pull it off... What do you mean the most visible of them is an ex-wrestler? And he's going to scream every one of his lines? Well, I'll make due, as long as I have an understated score to make everything creepy. What's that you're saying? It's going to sound like the charge of the light brigade? Well, forget all that. I can save this picture. All it needs is a great monster. That's all people really want to see, anyway. I'll just give them a wonderful, spine-chilling monster! What do you mean we can't afford a monster? You can't be serious. You're going to have someone design it with Lego's?" Better he just cross it off his resume and get on with his life. But this is the guy that brought us ROCK MONSTER, so maybe he considers MONSTER ARK a step up.
Let me be honest: this almost got my vote in the "so bad it's good" category. It's inept in so many ways that it becomes hilarious. My absolute favorite has to be Amanda Crew's character. She plays a "Research Assistant" for college Professor Tim DeKay...and does it entirely with a bared midriff. It doesn't matter what she's doing, she's got her shirt hiked up to expose her belly: in the lab, on the University grounds, in a military outpost filled with soldiers. She does it despite the presence of the Professor's wife (who divorced him because she believed he had an affair with a previous "Research Assistant"). But the most wonderfully offensive incidence has to be when she travels to a Muslim country, into a combat zone in Iraq, dressed this way. My mouth hung open in disbelief.
Thank heavens Declan O'Brien, the writer/director of this travesty, tied it up in the most offensive fashion he could: by showing the fallacy of Muslim belief, the inferiority of the Iraq people, and the crowning truth of the Judeo-Christian faith. That'll teach those savages! Unbelievable.