capkronos Review of Roller Blade

Roller Blade (1986)

Terrible, pitiful, embarrassing... but you can't stop watching!

[1/10 · 27 May 2007]

In the post-apocalyptic future, sadistic thugs run amok and a monstrous masked villain named Saticoy and his evil henchmen are responsible for all kinds of mayhem on their quest to find a magical amulet that will give them total control. Our saviors come in the form a slew of spiritual, scantily-clad young ladies who worship a "Have a Nice Day" happy face (!?) and skate around dusty desert locales righting wrongs as they try to beat the bad guy to his target. Suzanne Solari leads the pack as Sister Sharon Cross, a noble and courageous young woman, frequently seen in a thong, who takes orders from the mystical Mother Speed (Katina Garner). B movie queen Michelle Bauer, along with adult film actresses Susannah Britton (billed under real name) and Crystal Breeze (billed as "Lisa Marie") provide plenty of full nudity as "Bod Sisters." They skate around in skimpy rags (if anything at all), fight bad guys while topless and regenerate bodily damage by stripping down and hopping into a Fountain of Youth-like hot tub. Add to the mix ludicrous pseudo-philosophical dialogue, some of the cheapest production values known to civilized man (director/scripter/producer Donald G. Jackson supposedly financed this by maxing out credit cards!), awful special effects and acting, an idiot who begins most of his sentences with "Thee" or "Thou" and a lusty hand puppet monster and you have one of the most ridiculous movies ever conceived. This thing is NUTS!! And it was followed by at least two sequels; ROLLER BLADE WARRIORS: TAKEN BY FORCE (1988; which is also pretty hilarious) and THE ROLLER BLADE SEVEN (1992; which I haven't seen yet, but sure would like to). If you're a fan of "so bad it's good" type movies, seek out this title. You won't regret it.