Although I adored the title, I kept my thumb hovering above the stop button, should it veer into a weird jungle cannibal/rape place. The first line, uttered by a Magnum P.I. look-alike (John Ashley) lounging in a tiki-hut with a small harem, is "Billingsly's my name and hustlin's my game." He goes on to talk about a million dollars entering the island, and how it affects one innocent couple, "Her bag was love, his the revolution." I didn't really think it could get any better, but then young Sid Haig showed up as the laugh-riot villain "Malavaso" who only knows one adjective (try to guess what it is), "You blow your stinkin' signal out your stinkin' ass," "I guess this is where we blow your stinkin' heads off," "Get these stinkin' bodies out of here," and "Stick a stinkin' gun in my stinkin' face." It is all a bunch of confusion and false eyelashes, and as Donatella Versace clone Caffaro and friend Mai Ling prepare for their executions, Caffaro strikes the Paris Hilton pose, determined to die hot, and snipes, "No comment, Pork Chop." I must have been drying my tears of laughter, because I don't know how they got out of that scrape, but next thing I know we're being introduced to Gloria Hendry (afro in full effect), who is too sexy, American, and feisty to not eventually join the other girls. She's an interrogator, and she rigs up the string on the door handle trick for pulling a tooth, except the string is down some guy's pants instead of 'round his tooth. When asked how it went, she smirks, "Things were a little tense, but I think it came off alright." That's why she's a Bond girl. When Hendry learns about the cool mil ("greenback salad, my favorite dish"), she breaks out the girls, taking them Magnum P.I.. Caffaro doesn't trust him, and that kicks off this Eisenstein-inspired sequence:
Magnum doing push-ups in BLUE briefs/cut to after sex with Caffaro/he does sit-ups in the BLUE briefs/Next cut, push ups in LEOPARD print briefs/cut to after sex with Gloria/sit-ups in LEOPARD briefs/Finally, push-ups in RED briefs/after sex with Mei Ling/sit-ups in RED briefs.
Now positive they can't trust him, they tie him to a tree, but he shows them he still has the upper-hand with the zinger, "Yeah, well, I used to think I'd let you all pee in my face just to see where it came from. Well not anymore!" What?! They make their way to a "Pegleg's Keg" where they dress up like Dolly Parton and Gloria strips (actually, she just dances and takes her belt off) to distract the patrons. Eventually, they get the money from Haig, bury him in the sand with his head sticking out, and playfully wrestle with Magnum P.I.
End tally moustaches: 8,472/bras: 0
Magnum doing push-ups in BLUE briefs/cut to after sex with Caffaro/he does sit-ups in the BLUE briefs/Next cut, push ups in LEOPARD print briefs/cut to after sex with Gloria/sit-ups in LEOPARD briefs/Finally, push-ups in RED briefs/after sex with Mei Ling/sit-ups in RED briefs.
Now positive they can't trust him, they tie him to a tree, but he shows them he still has the upper-hand with the zinger, "Yeah, well, I used to think I'd let you all pee in my face just to see where it came from. Well not anymore!" What?! They make their way to a "Pegleg's Keg" where they dress up like Dolly Parton and Gloria strips (actually, she just dances and takes her belt off) to distract the patrons. Eventually, they get the money from Haig, bury him in the sand with his head sticking out, and playfully wrestle with Magnum P.I.
End tally moustaches: 8,472/bras: 0