If the prospect of a telefilm co-produced by Playboy (!) and O.J. Simpson sounds in any way titillating, forget it. Though there are a couple of broads around in skimpy dresses (who are ogled relentlessly by Simpson), that's pretty much it for the sexual angle. Here, the former football hero plays a bus driver (imagine finally getting the clout to produce one's own projects and opting to play a bus driver!) who's steering a gaggle of tourists from Albuquerque to Las Vegas. On board are smarmy and persnickety tour guide Johnson, fill-in photographer Holcomb, blowsy good-time-gal Francis, adulterous businessman O'Loughlin, football player Blatchford (what? O.J. didn't want that part?), slinky, shady ladies Deyer and Hanks and a couple of crusty, mouthy old ladies, among others. In only one of many story line idiocies, Lamas waltzes into the office of the bus line and hacks the computer, making it seem as though the tour in question has been cancelled, so that no one will be expecting its arrival in Las Vegas. Then he and two friends proceed to hijack the bus so that they can capture one of its wealthy passengers to hold for ransom. They trash the bus and leave Simpson and his cargo of tourists stranded 25 miles into the desert. It's up to Simpson to rise to the occasion and save the day. Filmed many years before his extraordinarily controversial murder trial, Simpson was, at this point, a highly likable and accessible screen presence, though never a remarkable actor. He guides the cast fairly well, though this implausible and insipid story never had a chance. Johnson, who can only linger in the shadow of the hulking Simpson and attempt to catch his eye, tries to play it mostly straight, despite some quirkiness. He does all right until the end when he has to ratchet up the drama, mostly to hysterically funny effect. Holcomb is attractive, but unspectacular. It's ridiculous that this photographer is suddenly Florence Nightingale to an injured passenger (based on some old first aid classes!), but she needed something to do, apparently. Francis has had some career lows, but this has to be one of the all-time lowest. Her character seems to be an amalgamation of Claire Trevor AND Jan Sterling from "The High and the Mighty" with some Bette Davis from "Dark Victory" thrown in for no good reason. It's doubtful that she's ever looked so preposterous on film than in this. O'Loughlin tries to insert a bit of humanity into his paper-thin character, but in one scene is knocked over causing his toupee to fall off as Simpson looks on confusedly. Blatchford wears the tightest pair of shorts that have ever been applied to an actor in the history of cinema. He also tries to bring a little dimension to his role, but it's pretty hopeless. It's sad to see Hanks (a former beach bunny sex kitten, but with a dignified role in The Vietnam War) reduced to appearing in a terrible role in an even more terrible TV film. Lamas, in one of his earliest roles, is so deliriously rotten, affecting a fall-down-funny, intermittent, inauthentic southern accent as he snarls at everyone. Fans of his will enjoy his impossibly tight jeans, but it's doubtful that he lists this turkey on his resume. Apart from the sheer idiocy of the movie in virtually every respect, it is quite a revelation to see, nestled unceremoniously in the cast, Nicole Brown Simpson as a non-speaking extra. Wearing a pale yellow halter top and a grey skirt, she is frequently glimpsed in the group scenes, especially those that are outdoors. She has no lines, but can be seen at one point, as she enters the bus after a rest stop, acknowledging Simpson as she boards the vehicle. He can be seen nodding to her. It's surprising that, after securing a place for her in the film, he didn't give her just one little moment with a line or something, but it lends this project a more unsettling air than it was intended to have to see her occasionally appearing in the frame. In any case, it's worth watching for a few laughs and to see Mr. Simpson in the light he formerly enjoyed before his ex-wife's brutal death.
Review of Detour to Terror
