cleanasskeeterspeter Review of I Was a Teenage Faust

I Was a Teenage Faust (2002 TV Movie)

quite possibly the worst made for tv movie ever made (and THAT'S something)

[1/10 · 26 January 2003]

i'm not sure why i watched this movie. something about Morgan Fairchild and Gregory Hines as a comic duo should have told me right away that this was disastrous, but it was worth watching for one reason and one reason alone. it is without a doubt the worst made for tv movie ever made. and you can bet your ass that that's saying something. and i know what you're thinking. this asshole hasn't seen every mftvm ever made, how does he know it's the worst. WELL, you jerk, i'll tell you why. i have a theory that made for tv movies were invented for the sole purpose of spreading propaganda. there's no art here. HBO might be the only example of "attempted" art, but the only mftvm's you'll see outside of home box office are cheesey, tear-jerkers. like a 2 hour version of "lifestories: families in crisis" except about abortion and drugs and crazy boyfriends who club your daughters with chopping blocks. if anyone is familiar with the story of Faust, you'll know that it's very dark and gothic. the story is so bad it's almost a parody. first of all, to even watch this film without gagging you have to consider it possible for a goofy-looking, short, shrimpy nerd can attain popularity and schoolyard supremacy by simply slicking up his hair and losing the glasses. yeah, i know what you're thinking, but bear with me here. that presents the least of my problems with the film. the real problem here is that none of these characters are real! the mother constantly sobbing when she realizes that the actor Joe Mantegna is married and therefore her son can't sell his soul to the devil is funny for about three billionths of a second. when she doesn't stop you start to wonder. hey...i'd like to f*** nicole kidman. but i never will. why am i crying?!!?! it makes no goddamn sense. and the ending is actually a rip off of shrek. the boy who tried to hard to earn some girl named Twyla's approval discovers that she sold her soul to the devil for the same reason. all of a sudden everybody's selling their soul to the devil. did i mention that gregory hines is one of the worst actors of all time. no? he is. he makes morgan fairchild look like meryl streep. this review is sort of running out of steam. in closing i take solace in the fact that there isn't a studio in the world that would fund this project. thank you and have a wonderful day.