No doubt about it. Worst movie I've ever seen.
Now, don't take this lightly. I'm not the kinda guy to just idly pass this sort of judgement. Not am I a casual movie viewer. I love movies; they're almost my life. Horror movies especially -- I review those on the internet -- except the only horror I felt from Witchouse was how bad it was.
So yeah, I'm serious about this. Worst movie ever. It isn't just that I didn't enjoy it. Every possible way this movie could have been bad, it was. Acting, casting, writing, lighting, setting, directing,costumes, special effects, camera angles, did I miss anything? I bet even the best boy sucked, whatever that is.
Guess I should probably say why. To start off, there was not a single line of dialogue delivered by any one of the characters in this film that I feel a real human being would say. "Let's make like a baby and head out." Come ON. And if I have to here that one guy say, "You know, I AM an applied sciences major.." ONE more time, I'm going to sob all night long into my pillow.
This film isn't about the ocean, but you'll soon forget that fact as the camera sways back and forth, back and forth, JUST like a boat, during the "important scenes." If I wasn't throwing up in disgust at this film, than it was because I was getting seasick.
Now, like many horror buffs I'm a big H. P. Lovecraft fan, which is why I have about a handful of hemorrhages whenever I see a film "based" on his work. Witchouse doesn't claim to be, but it's got as many allusions to his legacy you can get this side of the Miskatonic. Only they're all horrible misuses of his brilliance. The "Necronomicon" isn't roughly translated "Book of the Dead" in this but the family bible of a clan of witchs. And it's spelling with a U, for chrissake!
I won't spoil the ending -- Matthew Jason Walsh did that himself when he wrote it -- but I will tell you that it is anti-climatic, predictable, poorly-acted, poorly-writen... but if I keep on listing negative terms about it, then my thousand word maximum will soon be up.
In terms of scares, I can count how many times with movie scared me on the fingers of my left foot. Everything designed to pull screams of horror instead pulled groans. It was an A to Z of cliche, dried-out horror techinques that don't work very well. Wow, the lights went out. Wow, there's lightning. Wow, that actor seems to have on too much make-up. I can honestly say I was not even almost scared once. Not even when the monster recommended one character: "Don't lose you head!" and then, gasp, ripped his head off.
And let's not forget the acting. I wasn't sure if I was watching a horror film or a bad T & A where the girls were just forgetting to take off their cloths. Given, they didn't have much to work with, and I will offer a moment of silence for the late Dave Oren Ward, who died in time to be honored in the credits, but even still, you'd think they were TRYING to suck. Overacting or underacting, with no middle ground. I mean, confronted with an anchient witch -- even one as silly-looking at this movie's villian -- they could at least try to look a LITTLE scared.
Despite the high expectations you might have of the man who directed such timeless classics as 1988's "Sorority Girls in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama," and the immortal "Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000," David DeCoteau direction was rather crummy as well. The music was mediocre. The costumes were laughable. And so on and so forth.
You know, when I set about writing this review I told myself I'd make the most of the thousand words IMDB offers, but to tell the truth this movie doesn't even warrent it. I'd rather just forget I ever had the misfortune of watching it and try to get on with what remains of my normal life.
Bottom line: Nothing good in this movie. Everything bad. Don't see it. DON'T SEE IT! I know sometimes after I read a really bad review of a movie I'm like, "Heh, I gotta check that out just to see what was so bad about it."
This is not one of those times. Serious. Do NOT watch this film.
Thank you. That is all.
Now, don't take this lightly. I'm not the kinda guy to just idly pass this sort of judgement. Not am I a casual movie viewer. I love movies; they're almost my life. Horror movies especially -- I review those on the internet -- except the only horror I felt from Witchouse was how bad it was.
So yeah, I'm serious about this. Worst movie ever. It isn't just that I didn't enjoy it. Every possible way this movie could have been bad, it was. Acting, casting, writing, lighting, setting, directing,costumes, special effects, camera angles, did I miss anything? I bet even the best boy sucked, whatever that is.
Guess I should probably say why. To start off, there was not a single line of dialogue delivered by any one of the characters in this film that I feel a real human being would say. "Let's make like a baby and head out." Come ON. And if I have to here that one guy say, "You know, I AM an applied sciences major.." ONE more time, I'm going to sob all night long into my pillow.
This film isn't about the ocean, but you'll soon forget that fact as the camera sways back and forth, back and forth, JUST like a boat, during the "important scenes." If I wasn't throwing up in disgust at this film, than it was because I was getting seasick.
Now, like many horror buffs I'm a big H. P. Lovecraft fan, which is why I have about a handful of hemorrhages whenever I see a film "based" on his work. Witchouse doesn't claim to be, but it's got as many allusions to his legacy you can get this side of the Miskatonic. Only they're all horrible misuses of his brilliance. The "Necronomicon" isn't roughly translated "Book of the Dead" in this but the family bible of a clan of witchs. And it's spelling with a U, for chrissake!
I won't spoil the ending -- Matthew Jason Walsh did that himself when he wrote it -- but I will tell you that it is anti-climatic, predictable, poorly-acted, poorly-writen... but if I keep on listing negative terms about it, then my thousand word maximum will soon be up.
In terms of scares, I can count how many times with movie scared me on the fingers of my left foot. Everything designed to pull screams of horror instead pulled groans. It was an A to Z of cliche, dried-out horror techinques that don't work very well. Wow, the lights went out. Wow, there's lightning. Wow, that actor seems to have on too much make-up. I can honestly say I was not even almost scared once. Not even when the monster recommended one character: "Don't lose you head!" and then, gasp, ripped his head off.
And let's not forget the acting. I wasn't sure if I was watching a horror film or a bad T & A where the girls were just forgetting to take off their cloths. Given, they didn't have much to work with, and I will offer a moment of silence for the late Dave Oren Ward, who died in time to be honored in the credits, but even still, you'd think they were TRYING to suck. Overacting or underacting, with no middle ground. I mean, confronted with an anchient witch -- even one as silly-looking at this movie's villian -- they could at least try to look a LITTLE scared.
Despite the high expectations you might have of the man who directed such timeless classics as 1988's "Sorority Girls in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama," and the immortal "Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000," David DeCoteau direction was rather crummy as well. The music was mediocre. The costumes were laughable. And so on and so forth.
You know, when I set about writing this review I told myself I'd make the most of the thousand words IMDB offers, but to tell the truth this movie doesn't even warrent it. I'd rather just forget I ever had the misfortune of watching it and try to get on with what remains of my normal life.
Bottom line: Nothing good in this movie. Everything bad. Don't see it. DON'T SEE IT! I know sometimes after I read a really bad review of a movie I'm like, "Heh, I gotta check that out just to see what was so bad about it."
This is not one of those times. Serious. Do NOT watch this film.
Thank you. That is all.