I sat down and watched all four of the Phantasm films the other day, just because I'm an idiot.
*some spoilers below*
Allrighty. The last film. If you remember, I'd compared the arc of the three Phantasm films to the arc of the first three Alien films: from spooky, atmospheric thriller, to action adventure(The Electric Boogaloo Gambit), to psychological head-game. As bad as it is, Phantasm IV: Oblivion, fits right in with this comparison.
Alien:Resurrection tried to be this massive, epic view of the universe in which the Alien series was set: you got to see the Company, the military, space pirates, and of course you got to see a whole boatload of aliens. All this was wrapped in a movie that looks like the entre to an invasion of earth by all those nasty aliens. Bang, here comes the well-known Final Apocalypse.
Phantasm IV: same dang thing. It tries(and completely fails) to become some kind of X-Files sized conspiracy, wherein the Tall Man is some kind of interdimensional, time jumping bandit who actually just used to be the friendly neighborhood doctor and Incredibly Gifted Scientist. Michael is back, wandering around the desert Don Juan of the Yaqui-style, plotting to destroy the Tall Man, or find him in the past, or something or other. It's never really clear, and the whole struggle he's having with whatever is inside him is never quite resolved. \
Meanwhile, Reggie is still on the road, still picking up girls who would never look at him and trying to do them, and playing with his four barrelled shotgun, among other things. The kid from the previous film is utterly discarded, and Rocky is by now training to become the arch villainess in the next Kickboxer film. Jody is still annoying.
All of this is cached in what is supposed to revelatory "never before seen footage" that neither advances nor informs the story. Michael tries to hang himself, because apparently, he strung up the Tall Man at some point in the first film--and then cut the guy down. The scene is pitiful--it was cut for a reason, folks--and it just confused me. The rest of the revolutionary new footgage mainly consists of Michael running and jumping onto Reggie's Ice Cream Truck--at night, during the day, in the rain, etc., etc. It is worthless, and I'm tempted to think they structured the entirely structure-less film around this footage so people would look at it and think they were planning this sequel to fit it like a glove, years and years later. Blah.
The ending is truly pathetic and leads nowhere. Tall Man is no longer interesting, because he is indestructible: he's been pumped full of hydrochloric acid, dropped down a square hole, forzen in liquid nitrogen, and blown-up. Nothing's going to stop him. THAT'S NO FUN. Additionally, we never really truly understand what happened to Jedediah Morningside when he went into his magical device, nor do we get to understand what he wants to do with all those silver balls he's always carrying around. Reggie takes off after said Tall Man with said shotgun, and Mikey appears to be dying, all the while saying to himself, "Gosh, this reminds me of the time I jumped on Reggie's Ice Cream Truck..."[CUE NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE]
We have hit bottom, to put it plainly. What started off as kind of cool has become a s**tstorm. Here are some bumps along the descent:
--What's up with Michael building a remote-control hearse to blow up the Tall Man? This is the most hyped-up prop in the history of all filmmaking, and it does absolutely nothing.Zing--little ball flies out, stabs Tall Man in head. Bamf--car explodes and burns up Tall Man. Eyyyerp--another Tall Man walks out from between the tuning-fork thing. What? Did Michael really think that was going to work? The exploding car thing, with it's forty minutes of set-up and three seconds of useless execution, was limper than Bob Dole during a Viagra shortage.
--Jody, get your f***ing hands out of your pockets. Christ.
--Did I mention I was glad when Jody gets it, even though I don't know why it happened? I figured it was just the divine providence of some better, dead filmmaker looking down on me.
--Girl with killer silver balls for breasts. Ewww. Not even creative.
--Who was the "Demon Trooper?" He pops up out of nowhere. Looks like a reject from Resident Evil, and is mostly there to give Reggie the chance to utter the stirring words: "Blow me."
--Jody, put your hands where I can see them! Now!
Well, there it is. Four up, four down. First one started off strong, but the rest just slowly descended into a massive pool-pah of garbage. But it was a valiant attempt, Mr. Coscarelli, and I applaud your initiative. You just got suckered into a mainstream archetype that you felt you had to follow. Too bad.
I hear tell of a fifth movie, set in an apocalyptic future, where the Tall Man rules some kind of plague-ridden wasteland from Utah. I have to wonder if one of the lines from the movie(Jody, saying to Michael on one of their interdimensional jaunts to a vacant city:"We have to go. There's a chance of contamination.")was meant to be a lead-in. I wonder...
I sat down and watched all four Phantasm movies the other day, just because I'm an idiot.
But I'm still stupid enough that if a fifth installment comes out, I'll probably sit down and watch that, too.
*some spoilers below*
Allrighty. The last film. If you remember, I'd compared the arc of the three Phantasm films to the arc of the first three Alien films: from spooky, atmospheric thriller, to action adventure(The Electric Boogaloo Gambit), to psychological head-game. As bad as it is, Phantasm IV: Oblivion, fits right in with this comparison.
Alien:Resurrection tried to be this massive, epic view of the universe in which the Alien series was set: you got to see the Company, the military, space pirates, and of course you got to see a whole boatload of aliens. All this was wrapped in a movie that looks like the entre to an invasion of earth by all those nasty aliens. Bang, here comes the well-known Final Apocalypse.
Phantasm IV: same dang thing. It tries(and completely fails) to become some kind of X-Files sized conspiracy, wherein the Tall Man is some kind of interdimensional, time jumping bandit who actually just used to be the friendly neighborhood doctor and Incredibly Gifted Scientist. Michael is back, wandering around the desert Don Juan of the Yaqui-style, plotting to destroy the Tall Man, or find him in the past, or something or other. It's never really clear, and the whole struggle he's having with whatever is inside him is never quite resolved. \
Meanwhile, Reggie is still on the road, still picking up girls who would never look at him and trying to do them, and playing with his four barrelled shotgun, among other things. The kid from the previous film is utterly discarded, and Rocky is by now training to become the arch villainess in the next Kickboxer film. Jody is still annoying.
All of this is cached in what is supposed to revelatory "never before seen footage" that neither advances nor informs the story. Michael tries to hang himself, because apparently, he strung up the Tall Man at some point in the first film--and then cut the guy down. The scene is pitiful--it was cut for a reason, folks--and it just confused me. The rest of the revolutionary new footgage mainly consists of Michael running and jumping onto Reggie's Ice Cream Truck--at night, during the day, in the rain, etc., etc. It is worthless, and I'm tempted to think they structured the entirely structure-less film around this footage so people would look at it and think they were planning this sequel to fit it like a glove, years and years later. Blah.
The ending is truly pathetic and leads nowhere. Tall Man is no longer interesting, because he is indestructible: he's been pumped full of hydrochloric acid, dropped down a square hole, forzen in liquid nitrogen, and blown-up. Nothing's going to stop him. THAT'S NO FUN. Additionally, we never really truly understand what happened to Jedediah Morningside when he went into his magical device, nor do we get to understand what he wants to do with all those silver balls he's always carrying around. Reggie takes off after said Tall Man with said shotgun, and Mikey appears to be dying, all the while saying to himself, "Gosh, this reminds me of the time I jumped on Reggie's Ice Cream Truck..."[CUE NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE]
We have hit bottom, to put it plainly. What started off as kind of cool has become a s**tstorm. Here are some bumps along the descent:
--What's up with Michael building a remote-control hearse to blow up the Tall Man? This is the most hyped-up prop in the history of all filmmaking, and it does absolutely nothing.Zing--little ball flies out, stabs Tall Man in head. Bamf--car explodes and burns up Tall Man. Eyyyerp--another Tall Man walks out from between the tuning-fork thing. What? Did Michael really think that was going to work? The exploding car thing, with it's forty minutes of set-up and three seconds of useless execution, was limper than Bob Dole during a Viagra shortage.
--Jody, get your f***ing hands out of your pockets. Christ.
--Did I mention I was glad when Jody gets it, even though I don't know why it happened? I figured it was just the divine providence of some better, dead filmmaker looking down on me.
--Girl with killer silver balls for breasts. Ewww. Not even creative.
--Who was the "Demon Trooper?" He pops up out of nowhere. Looks like a reject from Resident Evil, and is mostly there to give Reggie the chance to utter the stirring words: "Blow me."
--Jody, put your hands where I can see them! Now!
Well, there it is. Four up, four down. First one started off strong, but the rest just slowly descended into a massive pool-pah of garbage. But it was a valiant attempt, Mr. Coscarelli, and I applaud your initiative. You just got suckered into a mainstream archetype that you felt you had to follow. Too bad.
I hear tell of a fifth movie, set in an apocalyptic future, where the Tall Man rules some kind of plague-ridden wasteland from Utah. I have to wonder if one of the lines from the movie(Jody, saying to Michael on one of their interdimensional jaunts to a vacant city:"We have to go. There's a chance of contamination.")was meant to be a lead-in. I wonder...
I sat down and watched all four Phantasm movies the other day, just because I'm an idiot.
But I'm still stupid enough that if a fifth installment comes out, I'll probably sit down and watch that, too.