The Apple (1980)
1/10
A film so horrible, you can't stop watching
8 June 2003
Kudos to this German production by Golan/Globus. Who else could have conceived of a Sci-fi/Disco/Musical/Religious epic? Unlike Ed Wood's flicks (such as Plan 9, Glen or Glenda and Bride of the Monster), this movie proves that an embarrassingly silly and awful picture does NOT need to be made on a shoestring budget! Horrible costumes and extremely silly sets cost big bucks!

While some of the actors do actually sing reasonably well, Vladek Sheybal and Ray Shell's singing (among many others) are straight from the "Paint Your Wagon" school of movie-making which states that "just because some actors have NO discernible singing ability does not mean they cannot sing in a musical". I assume based on the banality of the music and lyrics that the same philosophy was also employed. In fact, the same could be said about the acting, sets and directing and choreography (e.g., the great song and dance number in Hell midway through the movie). It's as if Golan/Globus said "let's find as many UNTALENTED people as possible and get them together to make a movie--it will be a real HOOT!".

So, if I hated this movie so much and found it abounding in ineptness, why am I writing this review? My wife tells me I am a masochist and about awful movies, I think she's right. I love to watch wretched movies.

The Apple is not an annoying bad movie (such as ANYTHING involving Pauley Shore), a cheap schlocky bad movie (SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS or ROBOT MONSTER), a disgusting bad movie (any movie involving groups of semi-brain-dead teens being stalked by a hockey masked sociopath) or a boringly bad movie (THE CONQUERER). Instead, like such notorious greats like THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK, this movie seems to try VERY hard and yet fail on almost every level. This is definitely the case with THE APPLE--it tries so very hard but utterly misses the mark each and every time!

In summation, I call all lovers of dreck to tune in to THE APPLE. And, I am happy to say, it is NOW available on DVD!!! This makes this is an absolute MUST SEE! I must warn you, however, that although the songs are really bad, you may find yourself singing them again and again in your head. For me, I kept hearing the "Do the BIM" song over and over...and even now I do as I write this!
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