neacorp Reviews

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Disappointed.

[5/10 · 24 March 2024]

A unique art project, but a very boring one compared to what was before.

The troop antigravity implementation is an improvement.

But all that was as gone as quick as it came.

And its all brown and desaturated. Everyones armor looks almost the same.

Half the movie is just elvish and subtitles. Even Rings of Power knew how dumb this is.

The shields are literal story based plot armor.

Nobody mentioned or shown shields going nuclear from lasers. Someone gave freemen heavy laser cannons they could safely nuke ornithopters from miles away IF THEY TRIED.

There are way too many shield penetrating attacks. If a grenade gets caught between layers, it resonates through. In the final battle a guided rocket takes out one ornithoper no problem. In Dune 2021 a battleship tried blowing up Dunkins ornithopter with a laser.

The freemen used to be hit and run master ambushers. Here they are dumb enough to fight all at once out in the open under a gunship. Their handguns are never to be seen again. Snipers only used ONCE at the start of the film.

No Geiger. No Jodorowsky. No oversaturation, wacky outfits, or over the top acting. No Harconen home world. No navigators. No pugs. No iX, Tailaxu, Ordos, and even a wiff of any of the other great houses.

Just NASA spacesuits for high fashion.

Harkonen are just a skinhead rally in black and white. They have cool creature designs and desert uniforms, but they are set dressing for the sake of weirdness.

The flat pyramid architecture of Atradis base last film was neet, but the final battle zone is just a ball over a cone.

Christopher Walkin did ok for the role. But he is no The Foundation grand powerhouse in blue emperor trio. Nor is he a strategist Dune Emperor clad in black and gold from 1984. Even the 2000s TV series Emperor wore white extravagant gold, white and purple. Cristopher Walkin is just chrome.

The Harkonen badguy trio all died unclimacticaly.

The emperor just gets stabbed. His assassin little girl was never born. He never flew away like a balloon into a sandworms mouth. Just stabbed in the neck having fallen out of his life support medical bed.

The final duel teased at breaking free of fate, and letting Harkonen win. Instead it ends as always.

And it could have been avoided if they used a full ball for their global command, instead of a halfsphere.

At least it wont be as pretentious like Rebel Moon 2 will be... But I will not be rewatching ether of these films.

Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)

Rebel Moo: Child of a trash Fire

[2/10 · 30 December 2023]

Rebel Moon: Child of a trash fire, is literally hilariously bad. Like, all written by AI, bad. Full of potholes, dumb fighting, cheesiest of dialogue, unfathomable stereotypes and outright idiots that all contradict the world building. All action scenes are in slowmo, but that only reveals how bad they all are.

The production design is literal what they found on the cuttingroom floor from the past 20 years. From WW2 films, to 300, to StarWars prequels, to StarWars sequels, to Warhammer 40k, to Wanted, to X-men Wolverine, to even Battlefield Earth.

I outright laughed when we jumpcut to space nazis blowing up a whole planet with only 1 single battleship and 2 hillbilies in black armor. You would think in 10 000 years a civilization would have a space battleship or two for their own protection. Against an empire that can't afford more than 5 scorpion trap robots and put their giant gunship controls into the AA cannon.

Everyone should have a point when all drama was lost and it becomes an over-the-top unselfaware comedy.

The Marvels (2023)

Boiled potato starch

[3/10 · 4 December 2023]

Hey, remember Thor 2 Dark world? A 272 million dollar movie where nothing much happened? A bland filler for one infinity stone and Loki getting away from Thor? Still made 644 million. And nobody cared anymore that Heimdall was raceswapped in the last movie because the actor did a fine job?

The Marvels was made on the same amount of money, and cant even break even. And feels even more bland than eating boiled potatostarch. Not cornstarch that has actual corn flavor. Boiled potato starch. The poor mans glue to tie stuff together. That is this movie.

Kamala Khan feels downgraded from her own TV series.

Monica Rambeau is just there because early 80s comics. A fifth wheel that does nothing beyond having the power to fix a dimensional plot hole in the end.

The villain is forgettable.

Nick Fury retired to play Starfield, bugs and all. Didn't even tell anyone about Tarnax skrull refugee planet.

The only thing that could have saved this movie was going all the way into turning Captain Marvel into a villain, since her gunho path of destruction keeps making things worse around the galaxy.

What has Marvel Cinematic Univers actually gain from this? What phase 5 story narrative did it run? Nothing. Only subtractions and fails.

Write better stories.

Unicorn: Warriors Eternal (2023– )

6 misterous fox ladies out of 10

[6/10 · 4 July 2023]

The series feels like an animated movie padded out with extra episodes rushing to resolve some of the previous setups. All the while creating literal run in circles episodes in the end.

Things go downhill after KO of the main antagonist with everyone else unable to even stay alive to pick up the slack. Hero challenges become vague, contradictive, rushed, or outright dropped.

The setup is good, the art is great, starter characters are interesting, but after 20 years on the cutting room floor a lot of the best parts of the story was lost.

The writers need to go through the feedback and fan criticism before committing to season 2. Everyone likes the series premise, but not the second half execution coming up so short.

Halo (2022– )

How to make things worse for money

[1/10 · 22 May 2022]

Take any spinoff books, anime shorts, comics or films made before this. You can hate them, but they put effort into making the world make sense to the games.

But this series feels like some spoiled rich kid passed Halo toys in the toy isle one day, read the synopsis of the back of the box, write a bad fan fiction, and his parents made that into a TV series. It's just short of a "Is this John Halo you like so much?"

I do not care for timeline excuses when the characters don't act as themselves in new scenarios. When you outright sabotage your own plot to drag out the story. Every episode is somehow worse than before, by going into the opposite of what made these characters so iconic. Space ships can be infiltrated by eels through cracks in the walls. Power armor faceless heroes are outside armor all the time. Supersoldiers going awal to chase dog tail. Almost no action scenes. Weapons do damage differently depending on who holds them. Etc.

Every episode keep making things worse and worse. This is manipulative abuse of 20 previous years of hard work put in by people.

Greenland (2020)

Not enough disaster movie

[3/10 · 5 December 2020]

You could cut 3/4th of the movie out and loose none of the action.

"I forgot the insulin pump in the car" plothole results in half the movie being just filler for the main characters to regroup. The disaster events are stretched out with pointless characters creating problems for each other for no good reason but to stretch the run time.

The shockwaves make no sense. They way they are depicted they should be ripping roofs off and windows turned to shutgun blasts. But they hit like a breeze.

The final bunker design was dumb. Stopping the trucks of people in front of the hanger blast door so everyone enter it on foot as the door closed was just pointless drama. Just drive in, THEN unlaod. The people running inside was also dumb. Where did they come from? Is that all one giant tunnel to one bunk bed barrack? Putting all your eggs in one basket there, movie.

Raised by Wolves (2020–2022)

Kindergarder during sleep hour

[3/10 · 31 October 2020]

The sci-fi is great... but its very sparse. Most of the series is just padding of boring talking from characters I dont care if they live or die. Ironically the ones that are supposed to be flat, like low grade medic androids, are far more interesting than the "complex" main characters. Over all you could compress the interesting parts into one 2 hour movie, and it would be no better than Starship Troopers 3.

Underwater (2020)

Good athmosphere of dread

[9/10 · 8 April 2020]

It has been a long while since we got a new good undersea horror movie. And this one, while slow in the first 5 minutes, goes of the rails into it fast.

Set in 2050, the realistic looking deep sea tech fails catastrophically. Communication lost and all escape pods gone. The survivors stuck on a sea elevator midpoint residential station now have only the option: go down.

You will feel claustrophobia out of the get go, skeptisim in the calmer parts, and paranoia as the survivors go deeper and deeper in search of means to escape the depth alone, leading to part the climax and questioning what really caused the catastrophe.

Only drawback is the smalltalk when nothing is happening. Preachy, annoying or just boring and meaningless. But overall makes sense in the situation.

A stronger horror film than most out there.

Hot Streets (2016–2019)

Lame and boring.

[1/10 · 4 February 2018]

Terrible animation, unfunny jokes, incoherent universe structure, boring violence, too many deus ex machinas, interesting character designs and dilemmas immediately skipped over for lame main cast of schmucks who are less interesting to listen and watch than actual planks of wood.

It's like watching R rated Uncle Grandpa if it were made by a boring has been uncle.

I have seen better works on Newground 15 years ago.

Rimba Racer (2017)

One of the better ones.

[9/10 · 16 November 2017]

It doesn't dumb down the adventure. It knows it's target audience, and it stays committed from start to finish.

The cars are awesome. The race tracks are varied and unusual. The interesting characters get good amount of screen time doing what they do. The challenges are relatable. The world is fleshed out with small details. The music adds to the tension and atmosphere. While the budget limitations show from time to time, if you get invested in it, it's easy to overlook and enjoy.

The series has some classic clichés aimed at a younger audience, but it still packs newer plot twists and turns, accompanied with sarcastic humor, staying for the most part one step ahead of the viewer. Every time you think you have it all figured out, something you overlooked suddenly hits you hard from the side.

Overall, the first couple of episodes should speak for themselves if it's worth you sitting all the way through.

Interstellar (2014)

Same huge annoying plot hole as in Man of Steel (2013)

[1/10 · 13 November 2014]

"Go colonize Mars instead".

What was the point of the mission? To save humanity.

How? By evacuating all of Earth on huge space stations to another planet, accessible through a black hole near Saturn... And you need to gather data about the singularity to finish the antigravity equation to do it.

1 direct trip from Earth to Saturn = 8 ROUND trips from Earth to Mars.

So... "Go colonize Mars instead".

Also, the robot design was very impractical.

P.S. Who colonizes/lands on a planet with a "1 hour = 7 years outside" time anomaly?! Pointless suicide!.

The Starving Games (2013)

A fun ride if you didn't like the hunger games.

[8/10 · 25 January 2014]

Yeah, it's not perfect or big budget super special effects, but it works, and works well on satirizing the plot holes of the original story. The humor is witty enough, but some of it is too 2013 only. It doesn't drag on with the setup and quickly goes straight to the game. Fun if you didn't like the hunger games.

The flow from scene to scene is good. The forest is an actual forest. The actors are having fun with their roles. Love the announcers, the blue guys and the pink lady. No joke overstays its welcome for too long, except for the small gag with the toilet humor, but it's only in two parts of the movie. Some hated memes get destroyed. It might not make you laugh, but it will make you smile.

If you are a fan of the hunger games book or movies, don't even bother, because you most likely don't have a sense of humor about yourself to enjoy this movie.

Ender's Game (2013)

Terrible

[1/10 · 30 December 2013]

The reviewers were right – it's a movie without the original sole. I never even heard of the book until this film started coming out, but even I can see what a mess this is. In part, the original story might not have been great, but this cut makes it a disjointed mess.

Most of the movie is just a terrible warschool cadet story, where obvious issues and problems happen. The fact that all the fights between the children are encouraged by the adults is just horrible to watch. Harrison Fords character even compares the kids to horses. And it goes for most of the movie.

What I never got from the movie is a good enough explanation on what these kids can do so much better than the old experienced veterans. What was so necessary for this program of child soldiers to exist? Everything I saw in the movie could have been done better by the pro veterans. The plot is like watching very old people trying to use Windows Vista or 8 computers, and then bugging their kids to do it for them.

The concealment of the tattooed hero, who stopped the fist invasion, is stupid. Why classify it? It just makes learning enemy weaknesses harder. Do the bugs plan to spy on the humans for their unfixable logistics weakness?

The final big plot twist, that the exam simulation was an actual final war battle… Ugh. So the plan was to send in a fleet of manned battleships and drone squadrons, which are all remotely controlled by a small group of kids, who didn't even have a plan or any intelligence data for the final fight. And it ended with them loosing all the ships and ramming the planet at full speed with the BFG. What was the point of the battleship manned crew again? There were thousands on board, last I remember. What did those people sign up for? A suicide ramming of the planet.

It was like watching the second Gulf War commanded by the Korean StarCraft world champion. A better plan would have been to draw out the enemy, thin their finite forces and go in for the kill. There was no timer.

So in the end it's a movie about stupid "us or them" propaganda, child soldiers, genocide and bullying, all crammed in to the point of disgusting.

The book came out in 1985. StarCraft came out in 1998. Child prodigy strategists are no longer a novelty. And nobody wants to see kids recklessly command adults to their death as a game. This movie missed its big chance by a decade.

The Last Days on Mars (2013)

Reminds you of the real dangers of space exploration.

[8/10 · 16 December 2013]

One of the biggest conundrums I ponder on is "how to best space diseases?" This movie tells well of what doom life in space may bring us, or us to it.

It's not a fast action gun shooting zombie survival horror, but it's very good given the scenario. A crew of Mars explorers are ready to go home, when they discover life and it starts turning them into zombies. And not just any zombies – smart zombies. No weapons, regular scientists, limited life-support, no chance for help.

The effects of the disease are poorly established, but that can be left to the suspension of disbelief. I do have to say, the amount of "You guys are acting weird and been out for too long, but I will open the doors for you no problem" is too much in this movie. The ending becomes more and more predictable to the end and in some parts it drags on, but other than "it can be shorter" it's OK.

The actors do a good job, the scenario is relevant, there are flaws, but overall it's worth a watch to see something smart. I enjoyed it more than "Gravity". If you liked this, might as well go watch a similar movie released this year "Europa Report".

Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins' Ball (2010 Video)

Forget the first movie when watching this one

[10/10 · 15 October 2013]

This movie has big balls to pull this much fun of carnage and destruction. Don't get me wrong, I have seen the first movie a long time ago, but have since forgotten almost all of it - and that helps a lot.

If you watch this film as a stand alone, and not as sequel/prequel, it's good, really good. The setup is fast, the characters are strong and constant; you can pick up what's going on at any point in the movie. And its fun.

There is actual feel of destruction and crazy, but at the same time you can't take it seriously.

While it was good here and there, the ending events are when it really shines. So if you zone out from time to time, at least stick around to see how it ends, you wont be disappointed.

Europa Report (2013)

Nice, Smart and boring

[8/10 · 11 August 2013]

Do you know a friend who explains to you some complicated scientific thing and you find it hard to keep attention? This movie is like that.

It's a found footage stile documentary, well done, but baits you with "something went seriously wrong in the space mission" without telling you who died. Normal documentaries start with "in memory of", but this movie instead tries to pull of tension and conflict by not telling you about who lived and who died. It didn't work for me, especially later when they reintroduced the commentary of the earth crew.

The design of the ship is well done. CGI is good. The actors do an excellent job. The sound is very atmospheric and hardly noticeable. But smart films sometimes make stupid mistakes. From here on its all spoilers.

The worst part was probably the communication reestablishment with Earth. How is it possible to do it through the pod, when the main ship to Earth communication is fried?! And with that I will save you the trouble: they all died to bring back some epic video. Problem with that is that it's not original anymore. If some of them survived, as the movie kept leading us to believe, it would have made it more interesting.

The first two deaths are just dumb. The first casualty happens because a spacesuit got stained by some toxic fluid. He has 20 minutes of air left, but for plot convenience somehow looses it to one, He then decides to commit suicide to save the ship from contamination. That is a stupid flaw: you would think there would be ways to clean/jettison the outer lair of the suit, or provide the astronaut with more air. Also his arms are motionless when he suffocates – he should instinctively at least try something.

The second casualty comes form a stupid scientist, who, knowing the dangers, should call it a day and come back tomorrow. It's the dumbest death in this movie. I also find it dumb to not leave a crew on board the orbiting ship – putting all your eggs in one basket really bit them in the ass.

But even with all that and a very boring slow start, it's worth at least one watch. Such films are rare.

The Colony (I) (2013)

Better than mediocre

[7/10 · 11 August 2013]

It's an OK science-fiction film, certainly better than common syfy quality, but it drags. You could easily shorten it to an hour or less and keep all the important parts of the story in. So maybe wait for the DVD to skip the boring parts.

There is no tension as the film gives you stereotypes, obvious expandable characters and token bad guys. The actors do pull of well made stereotypes that all have some sort of back-story to them, but you really don't need to know of. The atmosphere of the world is nice, even though the CGI is on par to video games. If you can look past all that, it's a nice film to kill the time.

Bones (2005–2017)

Ran out of good stories fast.

[2/10 · 18 January 2013]

I really liked the show a while ago when it was all about autopsies, a subject I didn't know anything about. The side drama on people interaction was never my thing. But a couple of days ago by chance I saw the first episode of a 3 parter arc, where they blundered with a super hacker. Now that's a subject I know a lot about and my suspension of disbelief is not THAT high to buy this story, to the point it enraged me.

The story arc focuses on how one hacker with no access to a PC at home can break into everything with a microchip in it and then disappear without a trace, while at the same time committing gruesome murders while wearing an ankle bracelet. He ends up ruining every cast members life and in the end gets away scoot free by forging his data.

Highlights of bovine stench mass include coding a virus into bone so that it will write an extra 0 to the heater thermostats in an unknown facility through the special bone visualizer. A hacker, known for advanced hacking skills, getting away from crime investigations only because his ankle bracelet showed he was at home at the time of the murders. Hacking through takeout library books into the library database to create an impossible super hacker network. And lastly said "super" hacker getting away by creating fake Egyptian royalty papers.

The amount of preparations for the story arcs level of hacking would take lifespans to pull of.

So yeah, a show about super smart people where computers science is literally magic and hackers are literal magicians. Drop this when ever you fell like it.

Eliot Kid (2008–2012)

As far as kids show go, this one is mediocre to dangerous

[1/10 · 10 April 2012]

This show is TV channel time filler for when they have nothing better to show. The target demographic are little kids, who don't know any better. Seems harmless, at first.

My problem lays with the consequences of Eliots actions. Every time his overactive imagination results in serious damage, which is played out as insignificant, even though he gets close to burning houses down or killing himself and others. Now if this was a one time event you could see why his parents would shrug it off. But this tends to be the main plot devise: Eliot imagines some wacky adventure and then gets into trouble. You would think after a few of these his parents would at least have a proper talk with him, but they never do. At best he just gets sent to his room or something vague, without learning anything about what he has done.

Eliots adventures result in him bringing homeless strangers home, assaulting old people, ruining his moms political career and causing a disaster in the cities recycling plant, just to name a few.

And this show is for youngest impressionable kids who don't know better. What will they think of other than "let your imagination go wild regardless of what happens"? This show is horribly irresponsible for the sake of entertaining little kids. A disaster maker for any parent.

The Book of Eli (2010)

Better than The Road, but still a terrible movie.

[1/10 · 13 August 2011]

I watched The Road before this. This film is an improvement, but it's still a terrible movie. If you are other than a devoted Christian you will hate this film for the amount of gospel it tries to pull on you. There is almost nothing otherwise to see here.

Let's get something straight – the big reveal in the end that Eli is blind is ridicules and him retelling the bible word for word, because he lost it, is just offensive. You literally made a movie about Daredevil being a zealot in post apocalypse, which is practically a western. I've seen far better movies about butt kicking blind people and this movie is not on par with them.

Eli is a horrible person. In the first 15 minutes he kills a cat, murders a pacified assaulter, doesn't intervene to stop a rape, all while mumbling that he is on a mission from god. I my opinion he's just a suicidal mad hypocrite. The premise for the books importance is laughable. The quotes are typical and bland. But his Ipod still works and has good music on it.

No movie relies to pass so much bull for us to take it up as faith. Every time Eli shoots a gun or listens to music, tough he "blinds" himself, he still has perfect reaction and aim. His enemies armed with superior weapons always miss. The leader lost most of his guys, but just lets Eli walk away while having a good shot at him. The bad guys have cars, but need hours to catch up to him on foot, while he walks in circles because he runs into the same gang of scum TWICE.

The movie clearly hates old people and proclaims that shaky hands are the result of you being a cannibal... Why?! And why must modern apocalypse movies be shot in brown and gray with heavy shadows? It makes the movies bland and fake, clearly hiding CGI. Good apocalypse films like the Mad Max trilogy don't need such filters.

The main villain was pathetic. He likes to read, but burns anything he doesn't like, rather than collect to sell to others. His reasoning to go through so much loss to find the good book – he needs its word manipulation to conquer the dispirit minds. Dude, do what so many have done before you – make up a new religion based on the old teachings, by pulling words out of your **** and guns! This is literally a no brainer! I wonder what he would have done if he found the Koran first? This degrades the tension in the movie a lot.

Uh. Terrible. Just terrible. It isn't the worst movie (The Road tops that easy), but it's still terrible.

A movie about losing faith so much they would hunt religious texts into the ground would be better, as it's rebellious. A movie about making the good book as the sole savior of all that is good in man is an ancient, forced upon you, tale.

You know what would be funny? If somebody just wanted to play a prank on Eli, whispered in his ear that they were god, gave him a random book and send him of into the desert. In the end it turned out that he can't read braille and it was actually an erotic novel. But that would make too much sense.

The Road (I) (2009)

Wikipedia phrased this movie

[1/10 · 4 August 2011]

I gave the movie the benefit of the doubt, thinking the book was made in the nuclear scare cold war era… until I looked it up and it was made in 2006… This movie has no excuse to be a boring post apocalyptic novel.

I played Fallout and other post apocalyptic games, and though in real life it would be close to impossible, I still think nobody sane would be this dumb to fail at survival. The world is atmospheric, but much of the ruble doesn't make sense, like boats on a highway. And how could only, and only, humans survive this cataclysm, and suddenly give up on civilization? What happened to the armies, police, governments, marshal law? This is America and they run around low on ammo with basic hunting guns. And what happened to all the manually rechargeable flashlights? Many nowadays have them around just for novelty sake. They should rename this movie hoboworld.

The father fanatically clings to his pacifist religion, depraving his son of the skills he will need to survive. He doesn't believe in other normal survivors so much that he doesn't even go around a corner to check if his son was right. He chops up the family piano when there is an abandons of dry would in the world. He goes skinny-dipping in a lake with his son in October. He starts exploring dark basements only armed with a lighter and keeps saying everything is going to be OK. He doesn't even try to get rid of his lice infested beard given the many chances he comes upon. Read a book! And this is the most likable main character in the movie.

The briefly seen mother is the worst mother in the world by complaining "Everybody jumped of a bridge, we should too" and then goes Christopher McCandless on her only son.

To summarize the child without any profanities is a challenge. In the end, if the dues ex family didn't appear, that joke of a man wouldn't have lasted a day. In my opinion, such an ending would have justified the entire movie.

I think this would be a grate teenage punishment movie. Making them sit through this atrocity from beginning to the end to teach them a thing or two. To hear "what is wrong with you?!" would be a sign of learning about failing at life. I'm going to watch "Book of Eli" next, and I know it's a bad film, but at least it's a better film.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Guten tag her Blaskovitz

[2/10 · 27 July 2011]

Every time the heavy solider walked in I could not laugh and say "Guten tag her Blaskovitz". I know its Captain America and its better than the previous versions, but it is still unbearable not to rif on.

OK, ignoring one lousy editing shot around the end, the movie has good visuals and feels adequate. It's what many wanted out of such a movie after previous failed attempts.

But the main hero is a hypocritical boy scout. He says he doesn't want to kill anybody, yet desperately try's to enlist into the war as a soldier, and in the end deliberately throws enemy soldiers out of a airborne bomber.

The first half of the movie is about a CGI man in his 30es, as it's impossible to take that voice seriously with that body. Any skinny stand-in would have sufficed for this, but they decided to dangle CG for 40 minutes in front of us and think we would not notice. And then they make a pro-steroid add outright into a hulk rip-off.

The idea to throw the Red skull as an independent German villain during WWII is just insane. His Hydra monologues sound like he thinks being slapped by the enemy makes him stronger. His superweapons are overpowerfull, but never properly utilized because his soldiers are stromtrooper dumb. And where does he get his easily replaceable loyal henchmen in such numbers? Not from the Hitler loving loyalist Nazis that's for shore.

But what's really unbearable is how the two powers meet every time. Nobody can see some guy skulking around at a well lit military base, or fire anywhere other than at his shield, which covers only 1/3 of his body. Hell, the badguys even have flamethrowers to deal with the guy, but every time something stupid saves his hide.

Oh, and the ending… "I wanted to bring you in slow" and that's why I even made you a fake girlfriend and put you into an easily escapable facility in the middle of NY, after which you get a very odd looking finger by Uncle Sam.

Its too insane not to rif on. My best was: You labeled one of your nukes "New Yourk"? I'm now half expecting the camera to pan off and see another labeled "Mutter".

Best Defense (1984)

My confusion was more entertaining

[4/10 · 25 April 2011]

This is one of those few films from my childhood that made a strong impression on me, mainly for the Eddie Murphy's WAM joke. I remembered it had something to do with a faulty new tank in the Iraq war and US engineers at home desperately trying to make something work in it. Oh the good memories.

But now that I rewatched it, well… Eddie Murphy and the tank take up only 1/5 of the movie, while everything else is dedicated to a poor plot about a looser caught up in a spy novel, later dropped and substituted for poor planning by the ministry of defense.

Besides Murphy tank escapade, only the Russian spy was entertaining to watch, but he only appeared in a couple of scenes. Everything else was a chore to watch. The special effects aren't that impressive. The idiot boss is just intolerably dumb. The portrayal of foreigners were horrid. And I have no idea why the wife and child subplot was even necessary, because you could literally replace them with a sealing fan to resolve the main flaw. Oh… Guess I forgot those parts for a reason.

One of the main problems was the editing of events – the tank was developed after the main plots got resolved, but the movie was spliced like it all was happening simultaneously. Unfortunately that meant that the tank flaws were already resolved, or not, so there was really no suspense.

Let's just say the best parts of the movie were about 5-10 minutes long and I would not have missed anything rewatching it. At some points I even confused Dudley Moore's acting for a Rowan Atkinson impersonation. That confusion kept me more entertained then the actual movie.

At least some of it is good to riff over.

Rampage (2009)

Too boring

[2/10 · 22 July 2010]

I was told this was a good none video game Uwe Boll film as far as his movies go. Its about a guy who assembles a rampage plot, devastates a town and gets away with it in the end. I live next to Finland so I thought I could get an adrenalin rush from this film. I was disappointed.

The biggest letdown was the camera. The movie is shot in super deluxe shaky cam mode as if Uwe decided to cut as much expenses as possible on the camera crew. Not once did I see an active scene with a clear use of a tripod. This degraded a pro directed movie to a cinema graduate amateur film. It would get more points for being low budget if it didn't have the shakes. Also replacing some of the more intense street shootings with close-ups of the guys face wile he breathes heavily was just engagingly pathetic directing.

So this kid assembles a reinforced riot suit, builds a remote controlled car bomb and gets some guns all through his friends postbox. Later he frames his friend for all his doings and gets out of town. In between we get a rampage, complete with one mega cgi explosion. Unfortunately that simplicity is only half the movie.

The other half is useless attachment attempts to characters and expanding motivations, stretched out with pointless scenes, hurtful stupidity and annoying dialogs. No one in this movie was likable or real (won't blame them for not trying). When the slaughter began I couldn't care less what happened to anybody. People ran out in front of the maniac instead of hiding in an alley or something. Some didn't even care that a murderer was on a killing spree right next to them. The cops were THE worst portrayal of law enforcers I had ever seen. And in the end the kid got lucky far too many times. Not one camera caught his face when he took off the helmet.

The completely unnecessary beginning was jumpy, poor, slow and ruined the mood for the rest of the movie. The riot suit was just some thin black plate mail, not fit to stop a real life bullet. And in the end the father of the framed friend for some reason knew exactly who did it when he was dragged away. Also the kids parents acted like morons when they found out that their kids friend slaughtered half the town. With parents like that I wondered how he even got his lazy head to do all the stuff he did.

So in the end I was bored out of my scull on how implausible this low grade rampage was, even though it had a low budget and almost no cgi. If you think this film is good than you are desperate.

Steel (1997)

For 97 it's pretty good, unless you have anything else to watch.

[10/10 · 29 October 2009]

I have no interest in basketball, I stink at it, and the only big names I know are Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal and the Harlem Globetrotters. I have no idea why everyone likes to criticize Shaq, nor do I really care - he had to be good at something in order to be ridiculed so much.

Quoting others, for 1997 it's pretty good, unless you have anything else to watch. It's not a masterpiece, but rather one of those pictures that requires you to set aside your pre-conceived notions about good film-making and just enjoy the ride. Do that, and Steel is a surprisingly amusing little adventure comedy. On top of all that, it has a memorable theme and subtle special effects.

John Henry Irons was a harmless weapons designer until his project crippled his partner Sparks. After quitting his job, his weapons are mass-produced for criminals, and in order to stop it Irons and Sparks create a suit of armor that leads Irons to become the superhero vigilante Steel. He is the blue collar Iron Man of the DC universe. Overall, it's an average superhero film plot.

The original story of Steel was based on the comic book Death of Superman. Irons wanted to go after Doomsday, the killer of Superman, himself, thus creating a mechanical super suit. But the film was in development for so long, that it lost all meaning. Instead, we got a cheesier independent film without the long drama. Given the way others cashed on the Death of Superman, the film could have been far worse.

The reason why its one of my favorite movies is Steels realistic, cheap and simple armor. The hand-forged work-in-progress suit with chain mail and occasional glitches was made in a junkyard out of regular iron and steel. That's as good as any of us can get without using advanced industrial facilities. Some may argue it looks like someone decided to pour glue all over their body and go rolling around in a junkyard, but it's well thought through, even though parts sometimes just fall off in action.

The 34kg armored suit is not only bulletproof, but also well padded, able to absorb most kinetic energy. Steel takes on a clip of ammo, some stun impulses, and a sonic blast that throws him back about 6m. He even falls of a building about 24m into a dumpster. It's virtually impregnable to known weaponry. I really like how they made the waist area. It's simultaneously flexible and incredibly strong. There is no such tech on the market even a decade later. The chain mail is almost indistinguishable from plate armor creating an impression that he is almost completely covered in steel plates.

The electric support is a basic video/audio 31km earpiece transceiver, with an extra camera for rear view, an inbuilt GPS for fast navigation around the city, and a basic body monitoring system with body ventilation. The left arm houses a nail gun and a grappling hook (slow, but supports about 181kg for a short time).

The shoulders are nice, but don't protect from above dangers, exposing the chain mail, and gloves are just regular surface chain mail, with no palm protection.

The weakest part of the suit is the helmet. Not only does look like it's made of rubber, but it also leaves the face exposed. Steel was shot in the head several times throughout the film, but the biggest injury he sustained was a scratched chin from falling on pavement. Well, it is a superhero movie and emotionless faces with chin guards are for villains.

The main weapon of Steel is his sledgehammer, pimped with a sonic gun, stun gun, short focus laser, a grenade launcher and high-powered magnet. The long-range capabilities come equipped with a sniper scope. Since the suit is mostly iron, it amplifies the magnetic field of the hammer, enabling to attract anything iron around him, like enemy weapons and trashcan lids.

Sadly, jet boots and super strength, along with other over the top features, were left out from the 97-minute film about a guy building power armor in a 97s junkyard. However, there were also improvements. There is no red cape, or a gigantic "S" on his chest. Later DC versions of Steel retained this, setting him apart from Superman.

The resulting "armor" satisfied both the look of the character and the filming physical requirements. After completion, with all its pieces and layering, it took 3 costumers an hour to transform John Henry into Steel.

Shaq had to do all of his own stunts because the producers were unable to find a 2.16m stunt double for him.

Other movie features include a customized humvee, van, motorbike and wheelchair. As far as superhero movies go, this one didn't fall as flat as more popular hero films that altered the original story. Steel costume may look like a cheap Robocop mockup, but at least you can RUN in it without CGI. Let's see you make a better suit without CGI! I dare you! I double dare you!