Review of Snake Eyes

Snake Eyes (2021)
3/10
A fantastic cast completely wasted on a stupid story
12 September 2021
First of all, this has *nothing* to do with G. I. Joe, as it is a medieval story about two Japanese clans and the protagonist is caught somewhat in between. Yes, it happens today, but 90% of all fights are using swords and the prize of the war is a magical stone. It's like someone took an existing Japanese samurai and ninjas script, added an extraneous character and made him the protagonist, then plastered on a Joe/Cobra connection and brought it into the present. And the way they added this stuff is like fixing a broken mirror with industrial sticky tape on the visible side.

And what a cast this had: Andrew Koji from Warrior (I still crave for a new season), Iko Uwais from Raid, Peter Mensah from Spartacus, Takehiro Hira (who in my mind did the best job in the film, even if he was the villain and had a really dumb role), Samara Weaving from Guns Akimbo. Not to mention Eri Ishida, who did more in a few scenes than "Snake Eyes" in the entire film. They did nothing with all of this. The fights were fractured and made little sense, focused on form and ignoring substance. Two people fighting 50 and succeeding because they all used swords and the heroes had unlimited stamina, the usual running (slowly and awkwardly) from bullets scene, people running in the sword range to fire a gun, ugh! It was incredibly ugly. Even the motorcycle and car scenes were ridiculously bad. A team of 5 snipers could have finished *everybody* without loses.

Worst of all, it's called G. I. Joe Origins and it features a character who has never heard of the Joes in a time when both Cobra and Joes have been established for a long time. There is no origin story at all! There is no story, really!

Bottom line: this film is something that whole teams of people should be fired because of. A 100 million dollar film that manages to waste every resource it bought. Avoid it like it's the plague.
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