Snake eyes was a movie I was extremely excited to see, movies have been lacking lately and after watching the bloated and awful "Black Widow" I wanted a gritty and enjoyable action movie. I went in fully expecting it to be bad, I hoped it would be better than the previous Joe movies but was only really there to watch action people do action things. But my disappointment was immeasurable and as I walked out of the theater with my friends all I could think was "that was garbage."
Let's look at the bad things from the beginning,
The first 20-30 minutes were way too rushed, first he's seeing his father killed by some dude with a big coat, then he's getting beat up in an underground fight ring (which had shaky cam so bad it could rival the Bourne movies), then he's approached by a Yakuza member and then he's working at a fish market putting Guns in fish. It was one thing after another like a check list being ticked off, no real weight to what was happening and they just kind of happened. Now it wasn't horrible but based on the beginning I could tell this movie was just going to gloss over things as fast as possible to get to other events.
After the initial few scenes we meet Tommy and the ensuing fight begins where Tommy and snake eyes escape the yakuza. It wasn't horrible but the action felt sub-par, camera was moving all over, dozens and dozens of stunt men with swords were running into frame causing such clutter that if there were mistakes it made it be too hard to tell. The sword fighting also felt way too pre 1990s with the backwards flips and the duel sword swinging, it was just too campy for a movie that was selling gritty action. They escape and snake eyes wakes up on a plane and the first of 3 Major long exposition monologues from storm shadow begin. The actor for storm shadow (no offense to him) felt like he was trying to put emphasis of every word he said without putting emphasis on the actual point trying to be portrayed.
Now snake eyes is in Tokyo at the clans temple, and not only does Storm shadow pretty much say "you will be ninja and you will like it" but he then expects snake eyes to be thankful for this man (who he saved) pretty much making him become a soldier for this clan. And the middle section of this movie was the most horrendous jump from plot to sub plot to plot to subplot I've ever seen.
A: Iko Uwais the legend himself is paid to be the hard master, yet he never does anything, his fights near the end begin then jump to another character and by the time we return to the Hard Master, his initial fight is over.
B: There was absolutely no training what so ever, no fighting, no practice, no days upon days of brutal running or combat mastery. Nothing, just a simple exchange water cups, heres an LSD trip that was not explained in any way (there was no explanation as to how Snake eyes was able to see the vision nor how the clan was able to give him one) and finally and the most bizarre of all, three giant snakes that can "sense your true feelings." By that point I had mentally tapped out of the movie, I thought it was supposed to be a hyper action movie with ninjas and swords but now they have thrown in giant snakes with emotional feeling powers.
C: the relationships in this movie we're also atrocious, Snake eyes and Storm shadow were supposed to be friends but never felt like they actually liked being around each other. The girl and snake eyes had a "I'm suspicious of him until he lies to my face and then all of a sudden I'm happy and have some feelings for him. Snake eyes as all of a sudden just feels like betraying Tommy? Not only has Tommy given him everything, a home, food, clothes, a purpose and a fancy sword he feels like he needs to betray Tommy to steal some rock so he can get the dude who killed his father? Here's an idea, get the super secret, super rich fancy spy clan you work for to help you find your fathers killer? And what is his justification to Cobra for why he's mad at them "I didn't sign up to work for terrorists." After actively signing up to work for the Yakuza shipping weapons illegally acronym borders.
But I'd have to say the biggest and most dumbfounding thing in this movie, was the magic glowing boom rock. So apparently this ninja clan is protecting an ancient rock that, based on whoever is holding it, can telepathically blow up anything. People, buildings and even bullets out of thin air, and the guy who is using it, never takes the initiative to just immediately kill everyone in his path. Literally all he has to do is squeeze and think and the people go boom, but whenever a major character is in range the main bad guy just fumbles around and allows them to get away.
Bad guy is defeated by being lured into the snake pit by snake eyes, the fight ends and the temple even though being set on fire numerous times is in no way damaged, Storm shadow is ousted by the clan because he used the rock one single time against the bad guy. Storm shadow now hates Snake eyes for betraying the clan by giving the rock to the bad guys, gets some fancy tech, learns his dad was a G. I. Joe, joins the Joe's and then leaves the clan.
The Joe lady wasn't good or memorable, the Baroness was neither attractive nor clever, the main villain was boring and unoriginal and Storm shadow suddenly joining the Cobra's was so out of character for this version of the characters background that it felt like a forced cliffhanger for an either unfortunately terrible or nonexistent sequel.
Now for the extremely short list of things I liked: The visual camera work for the movie (excluding the action scenes) was nice, Japan is a pretty country and the colorful pallets of Tokyo went over quite well. I think Iko Uwais as the Hard Master was a good choice even though he was wasted completely. And the cgi was mostly up to par. Other than that it was a garbage movie with little to no redeemable factors.
Do not watch this unless you really really want to, and or it's free.
Let's look at the bad things from the beginning,
The first 20-30 minutes were way too rushed, first he's seeing his father killed by some dude with a big coat, then he's getting beat up in an underground fight ring (which had shaky cam so bad it could rival the Bourne movies), then he's approached by a Yakuza member and then he's working at a fish market putting Guns in fish. It was one thing after another like a check list being ticked off, no real weight to what was happening and they just kind of happened. Now it wasn't horrible but based on the beginning I could tell this movie was just going to gloss over things as fast as possible to get to other events.
After the initial few scenes we meet Tommy and the ensuing fight begins where Tommy and snake eyes escape the yakuza. It wasn't horrible but the action felt sub-par, camera was moving all over, dozens and dozens of stunt men with swords were running into frame causing such clutter that if there were mistakes it made it be too hard to tell. The sword fighting also felt way too pre 1990s with the backwards flips and the duel sword swinging, it was just too campy for a movie that was selling gritty action. They escape and snake eyes wakes up on a plane and the first of 3 Major long exposition monologues from storm shadow begin. The actor for storm shadow (no offense to him) felt like he was trying to put emphasis of every word he said without putting emphasis on the actual point trying to be portrayed.
Now snake eyes is in Tokyo at the clans temple, and not only does Storm shadow pretty much say "you will be ninja and you will like it" but he then expects snake eyes to be thankful for this man (who he saved) pretty much making him become a soldier for this clan. And the middle section of this movie was the most horrendous jump from plot to sub plot to plot to subplot I've ever seen.
A: Iko Uwais the legend himself is paid to be the hard master, yet he never does anything, his fights near the end begin then jump to another character and by the time we return to the Hard Master, his initial fight is over.
B: There was absolutely no training what so ever, no fighting, no practice, no days upon days of brutal running or combat mastery. Nothing, just a simple exchange water cups, heres an LSD trip that was not explained in any way (there was no explanation as to how Snake eyes was able to see the vision nor how the clan was able to give him one) and finally and the most bizarre of all, three giant snakes that can "sense your true feelings." By that point I had mentally tapped out of the movie, I thought it was supposed to be a hyper action movie with ninjas and swords but now they have thrown in giant snakes with emotional feeling powers.
C: the relationships in this movie we're also atrocious, Snake eyes and Storm shadow were supposed to be friends but never felt like they actually liked being around each other. The girl and snake eyes had a "I'm suspicious of him until he lies to my face and then all of a sudden I'm happy and have some feelings for him. Snake eyes as all of a sudden just feels like betraying Tommy? Not only has Tommy given him everything, a home, food, clothes, a purpose and a fancy sword he feels like he needs to betray Tommy to steal some rock so he can get the dude who killed his father? Here's an idea, get the super secret, super rich fancy spy clan you work for to help you find your fathers killer? And what is his justification to Cobra for why he's mad at them "I didn't sign up to work for terrorists." After actively signing up to work for the Yakuza shipping weapons illegally acronym borders.
But I'd have to say the biggest and most dumbfounding thing in this movie, was the magic glowing boom rock. So apparently this ninja clan is protecting an ancient rock that, based on whoever is holding it, can telepathically blow up anything. People, buildings and even bullets out of thin air, and the guy who is using it, never takes the initiative to just immediately kill everyone in his path. Literally all he has to do is squeeze and think and the people go boom, but whenever a major character is in range the main bad guy just fumbles around and allows them to get away.
Bad guy is defeated by being lured into the snake pit by snake eyes, the fight ends and the temple even though being set on fire numerous times is in no way damaged, Storm shadow is ousted by the clan because he used the rock one single time against the bad guy. Storm shadow now hates Snake eyes for betraying the clan by giving the rock to the bad guys, gets some fancy tech, learns his dad was a G. I. Joe, joins the Joe's and then leaves the clan.
The Joe lady wasn't good or memorable, the Baroness was neither attractive nor clever, the main villain was boring and unoriginal and Storm shadow suddenly joining the Cobra's was so out of character for this version of the characters background that it felt like a forced cliffhanger for an either unfortunately terrible or nonexistent sequel.
Now for the extremely short list of things I liked: The visual camera work for the movie (excluding the action scenes) was nice, Japan is a pretty country and the colorful pallets of Tokyo went over quite well. I think Iko Uwais as the Hard Master was a good choice even though he was wasted completely. And the cgi was mostly up to par. Other than that it was a garbage movie with little to no redeemable factors.
Do not watch this unless you really really want to, and or it's free.