Review of Blood Glacier

Blood Glacier (2013)
6/10
Stop Eating That Banana While You're Crying!
25 July 2014
Warning: Spoilers
You know how things are. There you are in a scientific research station 3000m up a mountain when suddenly all sorts of horrific creatures start turning up wanting to eat you. We've all been there and laughed about it the next day.

There's nothing really special about this film. It's a solid workman-like horror film that doesn't do anything wrong compared to other horror films, but it doesn't lift itself up to iconic-level cult status. The acting is good, the scenery is fantastic (or very bleak and forbidding depending on the mood required), the setup works as a way of isolating a group of people and the mechanism for creating the creatures, whilst being completely bonkers tripe, does allow for any crazy mix of chimeras that you care to think up in your worst out of body experiences.

It's never explained where the 'organism' that creates the nightmare creatures comes from, and whether every chimera created survives to become a viable creature, or why this organism has suddenly appears and in such numbers. However, most horror films are just as bad at explaining things so I don't hold it against this film.

Although the number of people is limited, there is a high death rate, most of them being suitable gory but, sadly, the one you really want to survive is the first to get it in the neck.

The minister's character is superb. The minister is a woman, thankfully breaking the stereotype/cliché of useless women, and boy has she got guts, presence and a working brain. Anyone who says something stupid, does something stupid or just gets in the way are soon put in their place, hence the "Stop eating that banana while you're crying" title.

Yes, there are the obligatory idiots, but you know they're idiots, as does the minister. As well as the minister there are three other capable characters. Sadly, the hunky body guard gets it in the chest before he has a chance to take his shirt off (boo), but the technician and his ex at least realise the danger they're in and don't stand around screaming, carelessly leaving doors open, or walking straight into the jaws of some nightmare creature.

At one point a young woman appears being chased by a creature and she seems to then fill the role of screaming bint and incubation chamber. There seems to be no point to this character, and the role of incubator could easily have been given to banana-eating woman.

The ending is a bit flat. There's the inevitable scene where we know that the crisis is only just beginning, there's the jump scare at the end, but you can spot it coming if you're paying attention, and everybody left alive makes it off the mountain. But there's no great feeling of achievement at the end. One of the survivors telephones for a helicopter, just like phoning for a taxi, and off home everybody goes.

This is a competent film that stays well within its intended milieu and delivers a solid experience that many will appreciate, if not enjoy. I liked the film, but a little more attention to the plot, and a bit more slapping from the minister would have raised this film to an 8.
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