Here we have a movie about a white guy who is raised by Indians and ends up choosing them over his own people. Sound familiar? It should, because it's the basically the same plot device used in The Last Samurai (with Japanese people instead of Indians), Tarzan (with jungle animals instead of Indians), The Last of the Mohicans (with Indians this time), and countless other movies, except that most of those movies managed not to suck. Speaking of which, who remembers the scene in The Last of the Mohicans where the guy who acts like a jerk the whole time because he's hopelessly in love with the lead female character sacrificed himself so that the other good guys could get away, and was then shot to death by his friends who wanted to put him out of his misery because the bad guys were burning him alive? Well the EXACT same thing happens in this movie. The only difference is that it's Vikings that are burning the guy alive instead of a rival tribe of Indians. Now you may be thinking, "maybe they never saw The Last of the Mohicans, and it's just a coincidence." Not so...and how do I know this? Because the actor that plays the old/wise Indian in this movie is THE SAME F***ING GUY FROM THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS. You'd think he would have told the producers, "Hey, I made this exact same movie in 1992 where I played this exact same role and we did this exact same scene, except that when we did it that time it didn't have Vikings in it and we did it in a way that didn't suck." Or actually, maybe he's the reason that scene is in this movie. Maybe he told the producers, "Hey guys, we should totally have a scene where the guy who acts like a jerk the whole movie because he is in love with the lead female character nobly sacrifices himself for the good of everybody else and then gets burned alive, but then his friends shoot him as they are fleeing so that he won't have to suffer any longer. Trust me, we have to have that scene or this movie will be terrible. I'm not doing this movie if we don't have that scene."
Basically, this movie is such a rip off of other epic action movies that it's not even funny. It's kind of like watching a lame child limp along and try to play with the other kids...he's trying to do what everyone else is doing, but somehow it's just not working for him. It's actually kind of hard to pinpoint why this movie doesn't really work. If you break it down to its essential ingredients, it actually sounds pretty cool:
And yet for some reason, this movie totally sucks. What's worse is that it doesn't even suck of its own accord; it copies other movies and then sucks at it. But if you like scenes where a guy who acted like a jerk the whole movie because he's in love with the lead female character redeems himself by sacrificing himself and getting burned alive until his friends shoot him to put him out of his misery, then this is the shameless rip off you've been waiting for.
Basically, this movie is such a rip off of other epic action movies that it's not even funny. It's kind of like watching a lame child limp along and try to play with the other kids...he's trying to do what everyone else is doing, but somehow it's just not working for him. It's actually kind of hard to pinpoint why this movie doesn't really work. If you break it down to its essential ingredients, it actually sounds pretty cool:
- Vikings and Indians fighting each other check
- Gratuitous sex scene with hot Indian girl check
- Little kids getting their heads bashed in with axes and maces check
And yet for some reason, this movie totally sucks. What's worse is that it doesn't even suck of its own accord; it copies other movies and then sucks at it. But if you like scenes where a guy who acted like a jerk the whole movie because he's in love with the lead female character redeems himself by sacrificing himself and getting burned alive until his friends shoot him to put him out of his misery, then this is the shameless rip off you've been waiting for.