TitusYorick Reviews

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Gamera (1991) Season 4, Episode 2

For the Kaiju Lover in All of Us!

[10/10 · 25 April 2012]

I was raised on Godzilla movies since I was a kid, though I'm not old enough to have seen the Saturday morning creature features. No, my craving for kaiju movies started on the marathons once aired on the Sci-Fi Channel (before it was changed to Syfy). I thought they'd prepare me for the Gamera movies, but it turns out I was dead wrong.

Don't get me wrong, the Gamera series stands on its own as decent enough movies, but they've got one unfortunate element none but three of the Godzilla movies had - rotten annoying brats with Level 5 security clearance to EVERYTHING on the planet. If what I've heard is correct too, we've got no one but Sandy Frank to thank for that.

And who do we have in this first Gamera movie? Why, we have Kenny, a lonely, deeply disturbed, emotionally indifferent, turtle obsessed ne'er-do-well. I wanted to shove that brat's head into a toilet and hold it there well after he'd drowned so much, that I was so pleased at the part with Crow and Tom when they were beating up on Kenny through the use of Joel's Jim Varney doll. Why is it that Kenny got away with every single thing he did in the movie? He sabotaged attempt after attempt for people to at least repel Gamera's rampages for crying out loud! Seriously, anybody got any Ritalin for this kid? If I'd been Gamera seeing Kenny dangling from that lighthouse, I not only would've let him fall but squashed him flat on the pavement for being the demonic little Anti-Christ he was.

And Joel and the Bots didn't let up on that fact at all, and I thank them deeply from the bottom of my heart. The episode wouldn't have been half as good without their constant bashing on that horrible kid.

Mike Nelson's portrayal of Gamera when he visits the SOL was great, that and let's not forget Tom's sweet serenade to Tibby the turtle (whom he miraculously obtained between the movie and the movie break). Honestly though, watching that poor turtle spinning on the turn table like that made me dizzy, and I could only imagine how dizzy Tibby was getting. The introduction and the invention exchange could've been a little better, but the rest of the movie definitely makes up for that.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus (1993) Season 6, Episode 21

Hilarious . . . but disturbing at the same time

[10/10 · 12 March 2012]

I can't think of one negative thing to say about this episode. The politically correct Christmas carol was great and the comments throughout the movie were perfect. There is one thing about this episode that really gives me the chills though - and that's the movie itself.

It's supposed to portray a rosy story of Santa's quest to spread joy and love to the world and to punish all the bad children, but it doesn't even come close to hiding the fact that Santa's a crazy stalking sociopath! He's got a workshop full of kidnapped child labor for crying out loud! Am I the only one who noticed this? I guess since it's technically international space there's no child labor laws to prevent it. I think the only way it works is if they were the bad children of the world being rehabilitated, but that still doesn't justify him snatching them from their families!

And what's with Santa's sleigh? It's run by toy reindeer that laugh when wound up? How screwed up is that? I mean, when I first saw the laughing reindeer, all I could think of was that scene from "Evil Dead II" when the mounted deer head starts laughing at Bruce Campbell! In that kind of environment, I'm surprised the gifts didn't open themselves and start attacking the children and Santa on the spot! Geez, after everything else that'd happened, it would've at least made sense.

His rather toned down duel with Pitch the devil was like something out of a either a cheap Abbot and Costello or Laurel and Hardy routine too! I'm just glad they didn't try to make it as serious as the rest of the movie, what with the devil's bassoon based theme music. And what about Santa sinking down to Satan's level with the toy cannon? I know the anagram is there, but that doesn't mean Santa has to make good on it!

Finally, the children that Santa visits. Were they they only children on Santa's list that year? Was there some kind of lottery that I missed each year when I was a kid? Sure, I know the movie wouldn't have been able to show him visiting every child on the planet, but a montage of some kind showing him visiting a few more houses would've been better than wasting his time on a small handful of kids! And the way he convinces the neglectful parents of the sad rich kid? He gives them a steaming bubbling drink they take without question? The last time I checked, either something's gotta be acidic or boiling hot to do something like that! What were they, Pangalactic Gargleblasters?

I'm still giving this episode a perfect score though since the creepiness of the whole thing really helps add to the hilarity. Bravo Best Brains!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Mutiny (1997) Season 9, Episode 20

Big McLargeHuge

[10/10 · 6 March 2012]

This episode definitely proved to have some of the funniest commentary. Honestly, how can you go wrong with Captain Santa Claus, Second-in-Command Sting, his daughter Debbie Reynolds, and a crew that wants to slit his throat? Not to mention that he brought aboard a chunk headed body builder who thinks driving a Lark at 3mph is an adrenaline filled rush.

The best riffs definitely came from all the different names for the chunk head. In fact, there are so many names for him now that I can't even remember what his real name is. Top 5 in the alternative names - 5) Crud Bonemeal, 4)Gristle McThornbody, 3)Bob Johnson (just because it's thrown in so casually), 2) Slab Bulkhead, and 1) Big McLargeHuge.

This movie more or less riffs on itself though, and not just because of the look-alikes mentioned previously. It's great because you can obviously tell how it ends with the laundry cleaner named guy sitting in a puddle before his eyes open. The sets were second rate too, especially in the terms of it being a futuristic space ship. I mean, who wouldn't want to build a space ship with concrete floors, brick walls, shattered glass windows, and enough pipes and railings to host an anti-gravity limbo contest?

It doesn't quite top it's predecessor, "Invasion of the Neptune Men," but it definitely stands on its own as being one of the all time best MST3K episodes of the later season.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time of the Apes (1991) Season 4, Episode 6

Johnny: Portrait of a Serial Brat

[10/10 · 3 March 2012]

This is one of my favorite episodes from the earlier seasons. As a Sandy Frank production, it doesn't let up on the cheesy dubbing, the horrible editing (since it was originally a Japanese TV series, I feel fine saying that), and it had it's share of poorly done credit stills in the beginning. The one thing I can't understand is this - Why couldn't they have leaned on Johnny any more than they did?

Yes, Johnny, with his little shorts and even shorter attention span. Of all the Sandy Frank kids, from Kenny, Ichi, Akio and all the other Gamera kids, Johnny has got to be by far the most annoying. He's the center of attention in the first movie break where Joel and the Bots analyze why Johnny "doesn't care," which should've led to either a stern lecture or a good old Americana slap in the face by his parents for saying that. Instead, what happens? His parents smile and let him get away with it! And right after a tremor? It's enough to make you wish that a fissure opened up in the earth and swallowed him up on his way to Tarkus Brain Lab 4.

Speaking of Tarkus Brain Lab 4, Johnny's allowed to go wherever he wants and touch whatever he wants? He's allowed to climb inside one of the freezers and no one pulls him out and disciplines him? Talk about script immunity! I would've dragged him out of the freezer and locked him in the waiting room with only back issues of Highlights to read! He doesn't respect anyone, not even the only other human being in a world run by apes! Goto takes him and the others in with his own good graces and what does Johnny do? He immediately makes fun of Goto's name and wolfs down Goto's store of food! Seriously, in a world run by apes, a human would need to work for a long time to store up the amount of food Johnny gulped down practically whole. And the water? Getting clean water in the wilderness, water that's free of germs and bacteria from planet life sounds hard enough. If I was Goto, I would've made Johnny spit out the water and throw him out to the apes (or maybe back between those beds of spikes that almost killed the little brat).

Finally, Johnny shows no respect for the apes. It's perfectly clear that they're the ones in charge of this country, and what does Johnny do? He threatens to kill them while he's tied down to a tree. Then, when he's face to face with His Excellency, he sneers and practically insults the only one who can save his life. And the food again! Johnny's first instinct when he see's food is to run up and eat it all before anyone can have their share. Of course the apes have their own set of rules and customs! Johnny's the stranger in a strange land, and he expects the world to revolve around him?

All in all, still one of my favorite episodes. I just really wish the flying saucer would've zapped Johnny for the good of all life on this planet.

The Blade Master (1983)

Any Questions?

[2/10 · 19 January 2012]

Why yes, I do have a question. In fact, I have several questions.

One - What was the deal with the opening and closing credits? I get the fact that they're living in the same world as it's all primitive and what, but it might've been nice if they were actually in the same storyline. The beginning credits consisted of a bunch of weirdos in loin cloths more or less frolicking through some overgrown shrubs and the ending credits consisted of some weird turkey-headed guys with spears escorting some other weirdos in loin cloths through a cave and then two of the weirdos smile at one another. Continuity anybody?

Two - What was the deal with the prologue? Yeah, it was good background to explain Ator's origins, but the scenes were detailed and produced well enough (and that's saying a lot in a movie with garage sale quality props) that they could've very well been their own movie. Were they? Is there some prequel I'm not familiar with here? If there is, I wanna see it so I can compare it to this so-called movie.

Three - What exactly was the old guy's discovery? Was it a rear view mirror that contained some kind of atomic particle, which might explain the mushroom cloud at the end of the movie? A mushroom cloud, which by the way would've completely vaporized Ator if he was anywhere near it when he destroyed it even though we see him riding his horse unscathed through an open valley (with four-wheeler tracks seen at one point in the background) before the end credits.

Four - Where did Ator keep his hang glider? In his hair? And why was he flying it over Mad Ludwig's castle in Bulgaria like he'd entered Pink Floyd's "Learning To Fly" music video? The two castles looked nothing alike!

Five - How could the girl have reached the ends of the Earth so quickly? I know it's the power of editing, but if it's any indication of her travels since she didn't take along any provisions from home, then the world must be considerably smaller than anyone would've guessed.

My head's hurting just trying to think of answers to these questions.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002 Video)

Side-Splittingly Awful

[1/10 · 7 September 2010]

There's really nothing positive that can be said about this movie except one thing - you'll laugh so hard you might just crack a rib. If this movie is any sign of where shark movies are heading, then we might as well just bathe ourselves in chum, go play with a bunch of seals, and wait for the Great Whites to just roll in.

The story revolves around your basic shark movie - shark terrorizes beach, rogue authority figure tries to make it safe but the bureaucratic douche-bags refuse to listen, the shark eats some more people, and is eventually destroyed at the end. This particular one just happens to follow a "Jaws 3-D" story-line where the first shark is killed and mama comes for revenge, and this mama just happens to be 60 feet long according to the movie.

So what more can be said about "Shark Attack 3"? Well, how about the fact that the male lead looks and acts very much like a boy-band reject and the female lead looks like she was molded out of Botox and Collagen (and who out of nowhere towards the end of the movie is revealed to be an expert with a crossbow); the shark is made up of a combination of bad props, stock-footage of Great White sharks, and cheesy CGI; the shark's growl makes it sound constipated (though the fact that it growls in the first place is also a sign of the movie's incompetence); a cast of extras who voluntarily jump into the water while there's a monster shark swimming around in it; a villain who's mere appearance shows he's the villain; a wise old mentor who looks suspiciously like John McCain; out-of-sync dubbing; an overuse of Deus ex Machina at the end of the movie involving the male lead stuffing the shark's mouth with a tiny little submersible and then swimming to safety without so much as a tiny little scratch, who in turn survives the underwater shock wave from a Mark 44 torpedo; and without a doubt one of the absolute WORST improvised lines in the history of movie history said by the male lead the night before their big shark hunt?

Now, mix all of that and put it on film, and you have got a top notch cult-classic of a modern day B-movie.

FleshEater (1988)

Could I bleed to death before the end of this movie?

[1/10 · 13 October 2009]

I first heard about this movie from MST3K's Mike Nelson when he did the commentary for Night of the Living Dead and I was fortunate enough to find it online. Well, I was about twenty-one minutes in and I was already bored enough to wonder how much blood I could lose before the end of the movie. Honestly, this movie is nothing but a horror director's wet dream, specifically the number of bare female chests seen throughout the movie, not the mention the all important full frontal female nude shower scene somewhere toward the middle of the movie. It's got the suspense of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the gore of the original Dawn of the Dead, and the acting of an educational video I saw in the sixth grade about nutrition. So, in closing, take another minute to think about ways you could throw an hour and a half of your life away instead of sitting through this slasher porn.

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

Godzilla meets Independence Day meets the Matrix

[8/10 · 11 July 2009]

I remember growing up watching monster movies on the Sci-Fi channel as I'm too young to have seen them in the Creature Double-Features in the old days. I laughed at the rubber suits, the model cities, and the overused stock footage from previous Godzilla movies. When it moved from the Showa Era to the Millennium Era though and the costumes and stories actually got a bit more intricate, I still mostly watched them just for a cheap laugh. This movie, I have to say, caught me a bit by surprise. I first saw it on Fear.net and actually went out to buy it (it's the only time it's ever happened to me too) so I guess that's saying something. There's no doubt there are definite pros and cons about the movie, so let me just mention a few of them.

One pro is that the movie actually looks like it had a budget. There were decent special and computer affects for the type of flick, especially the parts showing the alien star fighters. There were computer generated scenes for the monsters too that made them a bit more believable, such as Rodan flying over New York and Anguirus rolling over Shanghai, but they didn't neglect the idea of guys crawling around on their hands and knees to imitate a quadruped. There's a con to this though, as some die-hard fans of the franchise might look at it as a bad representation of a series built solely on model airplanes and rubber monster suits. We all know how the 1998 Godzilla remake starring Matthew Broderick was received (though I might be the only one who defends it anymore). Another con would be that the special affects might've made the writers feel they could write anything and make it a masterpiece, such as the aliens declaring their home planet was unpronounceable to humans but we could call them Xiliens (well then, shouldn't they have called their planet Xilia if that was the case?) Another pro for this movie is that there was a decent story and premise. The idea of mutant/human hybrids actually standing up to Ebirah and winning shows that humanity really isn't as helpless as we seem. Reviving the classic Kaitei Gunkan submarine, the Gotengo, was also a good idea for the writers as it helps establish a link for this movie to the rest of Showa era Toho. The con though is that the story of aliens coming to Earth and unleashing monsters against us has been done a few times already. It was funny to watch how people were so open to the concept of welcoming aliens to Earth, as though they've never been tricked or attacked by them before.

Unfortunately, there is another con to the story concept. Because of there being something other than giant monsters rampaging through Tokyo, the actors must've thought they could just half ass it through most scenes. They showed more interest in shouting their lungs out and trying to force their skulls out of their skin, as though they had taken acting lessons from Jean-Claude Van Damme. To make up for this though, the score composer included a decent soundtrack despite the only time March of the Monsters (the Godzilla theme) is heard is in the very beginning. The music has a touch of symphony laced into a mostly synthesized score that helps add to the computer animation showed from time to time and to give the giant monsters, including Godzilla, a feeling of unlocked power and rage. Don Frye (Capt. Gordon) had one of the few developed characters throughout the whole movie too. He also did one of the best jobs acting, his sarcasm and indifference seeming almost straight out of a Douglas Adams book.

Back to the actual story, the movie itself is like putting bits of Independence Day and the Matrix in a blender and dripping the bits over a reel for Destroy All Monsters. Masahiro Matsuoka (Ôzaki) looked enough like Keanu Reeves when he spontaneously unlocked his unlimited power ability (as though he could do it the whole time and decided to do it then for no good reason) that he could've posed as Reeves's stunt double for the Matrix, I think something to do with the hair and cheek bones.

Aside from all I've said, I can't help give this movie such a high vote. Yes, the cons seem to outweigh the pros in some cases but look at it this way - It's a Godzilla movie! What were you expecting? Sometimes when I watch this movie, I get the feeling the cons were included purposefully just so I could laugh and heckle it just like all the other ones.

The only real thing that bothered me about the movie was the ending, but it wasn't really the fact that Godzilla walks off into the ocean like he usually does. It had to do with the fact that there was that symbolism of the younger generation teaching the older generation to forgive grave mistakes. Every time I watch that and see the kid standing in front of his grandfather (who, by the way, is aiming at something that stands about two hundred times taller than the kid) to keep the guy from shooting Godzilla. I guess it isn't too bad since it influenced Milla to do the same against Godzilla, though his angle was a bit more affective against beings twenty times smaller. The one thing that got me though was the last line of the movie, about how it wasn't an ending but just a new beginning.

I'll be waiting for the next installment, which will probably be due in about twenty years.

Pink Floyd: P. U. L. S. E. Live at Earls Court (1994 TV Special)

Extraordinary

[10/10 · 25 June 2009]

The very first time I saw footage of this concert, it was with my mother and father while they were channel surfing and stopped on a pledge drive on one of those public television channels, and it had gotten to the last few songs (I think from 'Brain Damage' to the end). I thought they were all right, but when I started to hear the guitar solo at the end of 'Comfortably Numb,' I found I had forgotten to breathe for almost a minute. It is, without a doubt, the greatest and most euphoric rendition of that song David Gilmour ever did and the acoustics of the theater make it incredibly clear. It's even better than the studio version off "The Wall." The rest of the concert, especially performances like 'High Hopes,' 'One of ThEse Days,' 'Learning to Fly,' and 'Run Like Hell' are incredible and I cannot get enough of it. Bravo, Pink Floyd.

Godzilla (I) (1998)

Movie = 8 out of 10 . . . Continuity = 2 out of 10

[8/10 · 21 August 2007]

The first time I saw this movie I was still in high school and I was interested in watching the old Japanese Godzilla (a guy in a lizard suit used over and over again). Because of that, I didn't have very high expectations for it, but that was before I learned to treat movies as their own stories. Now, as I watch this movie again (at about the first time Godzilla takes the large batch of fish), I find that the movie is a very good attempt at story telling.

However, after watching it with a friend in college, a friend who lived in New York for much of his earlier life, I learned a few things about the movie that makes me think that it's one very well written continuity error.

It seems to me that the writers tried to make New York a very fictional place, either that or perhaps some of them had never even been to the City that Never Sleeps. One example of this would be the layout of the city itself, like when the helicopters are chasing the big guy between the buildings. The city looked more like a maze rather than the grid of buildings that it really is. Perhaps the writers and miniature set designers did this on purpose to give the helicopters a sense of dread should they get lost. New York, after all, is a very big place where anyone can lose their way if they're not careful.

Another part would be when Godzilla jumps into the Hudson river and encounters the two or three nuclear submarines ready to blast it with torpedoes. It depicts the river as being as deep as parts of the Atlantic when in reality, it's actually only about 15 feet deep. Don't get me wrong, it's a cool idea, especially since the Japanese Godzilla always emerged from the depths of the ocean. Perhaps it was to make him feel more at home, or to show his true amphibious nature by swimming through the river like an eel.

Then, there's the final scene where Godzilla's chasing our heroes over the Brooklyn Bridge. I'm not sure whether the big guy actually weighs less than he looks or not, but anything that big would have done more damage to the bridge than just shaking it around a bit. One step on the Brooklyn Bridge by that thing would have torn it apart. I can understand though that it would be the only thing that could tangle it up for the F-18's to shoot it dead, but a more realistic method of entanglement would be for it to run down the river and slam into it like a tennis court net. But then again, just the fact that they maid the river about a league deep would make it hard for it to run along it.

Godzilla's size comes into perspective once again when our heroes find the nest in Madison Square Garden where the big guy's laid his eggs. I know the place is big, but there is no way he could fit perfectly into the basket ball arena without doing anything more than ripping the floor out. The ceiling and roof would have been completely demolished and the halls would have been smashed through.

Keep in mind folks that this is the point of view of someone who's only seen New York through one form of media or the other, so if there's anything anyone wants to add to the list of errors, than just submit them to my account.

In all fairness, I still find this to be a good attempt at story telling. I hold to my rating of 8/10 for writing and production, but only a 2/10 for continuity.

Zombie Nation (2004)

"Zombie Nation"? With 6 zombies?

[1/10 · 10 August 2007]

Yeah, I'm sure it really could be a nation . . . if four of them all stood at the four corners of the world and the other two cloned themselves a few billion times. Man, I am REALLY glad that I saw this movie on FEAR.net instead of renting it. I'm a big fan of the George Romero movies and I'm pretty sure that if he saw this movie, he'd probably throw up while laughing too hard. I mean, what was with the raccoon girls posing as zombies and walking around like Charlie's Devils? It really helped too that the music composer chose the crappy fashion show music for when the zombies walked up to their killer, especially the part where they go into the warehouse posing as the furniture shop/police station/apartment/flat/whatever room it was with the gong in the background, and the live woman was arguing about the closed furniture shop. I couldn't even tell what nationality the killer was, and the fact that his accent indicated some multiple nations didn't help either. Oh well, what can I expect from a movie where they throw in a random fight scene for no good reason in a warehouse where they apparently ship boxes of air around the world. So, for all of those who worship Mystery Science Theater 3000 or if you just like reaming on bad C movies (C for Craptastic), then this is the movie for you . . . or not.

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004)

"Murder-Set-Piece"? More like "Wasted-My-Time"

[1/10 · 10 August 2007]

I'm currently watching this movie for the first time, and after the first few minutes, I began to wonder whether we're still in the process of evolving or if existence meant for us to make crap like this. Is there anything more to say? . . . Well, I guess I'll give you a bit more. This movie was just a bad excuse for girls to show their boobs and to give struggling writers a chance to show just how incompetent they can be. This movie reminds me of another movie I recently watched called "Zombie Nation" where the music was very similar (i.e. fashion show music for when a group of girl zombies are approaching their killer). Also, I wasn't sure if the boom mic was malfunctioning or if people really do like to talk that softly. By the way, who bothered to make sure we knew that the guy had a troubled past? Sure, he's the descendant of a Nazi engineer with a disturbed past, but who isn't in these movies? I'm sure if I had seen the entire movie, my review would be longer and full of more bad complaints, but that's it. Hope this helps all you B movie fans and any fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (this'll be a treat for you).

Century 21 Calling... (1962)

Push Button Phoning!!!!!!!!!!

[1/10 · 21 October 2006]

Has the future ever looked so drab? The title pretty much speaks for itself and yet we aren't anywhere near turning on a stove or air conditioner with our phone!!!!! I watch this short a lot since MST3K watched on their "Space Children" episode. The kid's haircut is hard enough to figure out without bleeding from your ears and the girl looks like Nancy Reagan as a kid. The music is (as it was thought on MST3K) from an episode of "Ren and Stimpy" and the song near the end made me want to stick the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth.

To anyone who even thinks about seeing this short without it being the MST3K version, you're probably stoned, stupid or both.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)

The worst Friday the 13th ever

[1/10 · 6 August 2006]

This movie is an example to the entire business that just because you can continue a series doesn't mean you should. The first Friday the 13th was brilliant and well written with enough stereotypical displays of teens. The second was pretty interesting with the return of Jason Voorhees to society. The third was symbolic to the series as being the introduction to the Hocky Mask. And the fourth should have ended the series, which is what it tried to do (hense the title "The Final Chapter").

This movie, on the other hand, was a travesty and if you look at it at the right angle that was actually a compliment. First of all, the continuation of a character was not anything they had done in the movies save the brief presence of Alice Hardy in the "Part 2" but that appearance was justified after she gets an ice pick rammed through her skull. Having the Tommy Jarvis character come back with psychological problems was a big mistake. Just the fact that the copycat wearing the Hockey Mask imitating Jason Voorhees was at the same rehabilitation clinic that Tommy was staying was bad writing. A better story would have been to have Tommy go to the clinic and then hear about a copycat terrorizing people in another county miles away, which would lead to him committing suicide. But no, they had to have him save the day like he did in "The Final Chapter" and could this method have been any more cheesier? Who in their right of mind would put a bed of spikes outside a barn where a Hockey Mask wearing copycat could easily fall to his death . . . and what would a farmer need one for anyway?

The other thing I hated about this movie was the music. The guy who did the music (Harry Manfredini) was definitely a bad choice, regardless of the fact he did the music for part's one, two and four. The music was loud, out of tune and most of all, out of place. I mean, who puts fast and suspenseful music in a scene where a bunch of people are driving to a trailer park? In my mind I could always hear the announcer from the old Batman shows saying something like "What's this? Possible Postmortem Persons Speeding Steadily to the Sinister Slasher?" . . . watch the show once or twice and then watch that part and you'll get it. The scene would have been more suspenseful if they hadn't included any music at all . . . or better yet, just not filmed a twenty-five second driving scene.

And another thing, could they have gotten a more annoying kid for the movie? He was loud, immature and he screamed with the pitch that could have shattered my eardrum if I had listened to it any longer than I had to. Also, what kind of a kid has the ability or even the basic knowledge to know how to operate a tractor let alone plow it into a serial killer? Also, what kind of a kid has the bravery to stick around a scene where a serial killer is stalking him, especially if the place is a barn filled with pointed objects just waiting to impale him (not that they did, unfortunately). I understand that he was a kid and that most kids in movies have script immunity in terms of being killed, but there should have been an exception in his case.

And of course, what slasher movie would be complete without a hillbilly with a retarded son? That scene where the guy arrives at their doorstep looking for food just should not have been in the movie. The lady's voice was even more annoying than the kid's and the retarded son seemed to have the right IQ to have been the copycat Jason Voorhees. Whenever I watch that scene I always have the urge to stick the barrel of a Glock 23 in my mouth with the safety off.

I still watch this movie a lot though, mainly for a cheap laugh. I also had an epiphany while watching this movie one day after I got home from a bad day at work. And the epiphany is this - The Friday the 13th series is a great series to have when you're feeling down because it's a clear fact that the people getting killed in the movie are having a much worse day than you are.

The Hunt for Red October (1990)

An Instant Classic

[10/10 · 2 August 2006]

This is the only movie I have watched all the way through that has been based on one of Tom Clancy's books and from what I remember of the book, the movie was close to it but not exactly like it . . . and I think that's for the best. I remember hearing Alec Baldwin saying that Tom Clancy is the kind of author that could write about a pencil for three pages and he is too, and having that good of a background for a character is an important thing. It just wouldn't have been good to put it exactly like Clancy had done in the book. How they stretched out the background throughout the movie was spectacular.

The casting for this movie was incredible. Having people like Sean Connery, Scott Glen, Alec Baldwin, Sam Neill and Stellan Skarsgård was a great choice, and not just because they're all big names in show business. I was very impressed with how Sean Connery could pull of playing a Russian even with his Scottish accent. His facial hair and expressions also gave a good indication he was a sea captain of some sort. Alec Baldwin also portrayed Jack Ryan very well as the somewhat nerdy and out-of-practice CIA writer as he was in the book, unlike how Harrison Ford portrayed him more as an action hero in following two Tom Clancy movies (regardless of the fact he did an excellent job and he and Alec Baldwin also did much better jobs than Ben Afflec did in The Sum of All Fears). Sam Neill is an excellent actor and the fact he was shot towards the end was the only thing I didn't like. He seemed to have the intense attitude and also the will to question his captain when he felt differently about something a captain would need in his first mate. Scott Glen I haven't seen in too many movies aside from Silence of the Lambs, in which he also did an excellent job. And Stellan Skarsgård I remember also seeing in movies like Good Will Hunting and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. His role as Captain 2nd Class Viktor Tupilov in the movie, being an arrogant, easily angered and somewhat jumpy jerk, was different from what it was in the book, being the calm and collaborative gentleman, and I have to say I like the movie character better.

The special effects for the time were well crafted, especially with the lack of CGI available, which was really just used to simulate the flotsam of the water and the waves generated by the Caterpillar Drive. What was described in the movie was being state of the art technology was rather interesting and I don't know how much of it is still in use today since I'm not too far caught up in my understanding of military technology and equipment. What I found amusing though while reading the book was how Sonarman 2nd Class Ronald Jones (played by Courtney B. Vance) described how PC's such as Atari, Apple and Comadore were state of the art computers for playing games. I believe in this day and age we call those "door stops".

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Now I Am Complete

[10/10 · 27 July 2006]

I remember being eleven years old and it was the Christmas where we got our first PC with a CD-ROM. I was overwhelmed by the mere concept but I was also overwhelmed by the free computer games that came with the PC. One of these games was Star Wars: Rebel Assault, which was my introduction to the Star Wars galaxy. After I played it for the first time I couldn't stop. After that I was introduced to the original Episodes IV, V and VI for the first time, which changed me after that day. I wanted it all – toys, soundtracks, books, Lego sets, the card game and especially the video games. It wasn't until I saw the Special Editions of the first three movies on all three opening days back in 1997 that I felt complete.

But then it happened, the day I heard Lucas's plans to actually bring Episodes I, II and III to life. 1999 and 2002 flew by for me like the wind, which I spent watching the first two installments of the new trilogy. George Lucas really outdid himself with them and I didn't know what to think except "How could it get better?" And then, May 19th, 2005, it happened. Episode III hit the theaters and after I saw it at noon on opening day, I was really disappointed . . . because it meant I would have to find something else to look forward too in the future.

Episode III was, without a doubt in my mind, the second greatest installment of the Star Wars saga, second only to The Empire Strikes Back. The soundtrack was breathtaking, especially with the addition John Williams made to it by adding a chorus that lasted throughout the new trilogy. The fight scene between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader wouldn't have been half as enthralling if the chorus wasn't there. The choreography and special effects were really something to behold, especially the fight between Mace Windu and Darth Sidious.

After its release, however, I heard many of my friends talking about how much they were disappointed by the final results of the trilogy. The story was great, they would say, but the acting was terrible. I hear this and I think "Who are they to judge a form of dialog we abandoned a century ago?". That is probably one of the biggest problems people may have had with the movie was that the dialog was so trim and proper that it didn't seem like there was much of a way any the actors or actresses could have spoken them as though they were talking to the audience instead of reading a script. That is only because people are so used to the slang, text messaging slang and Ebonics used these days that proper dialog and grammar are a thing of the past. It is almost as though they're hearing someone centuries past speaking to them and having us fighting back a laugh because of how they spoke.

The way people spoke in the movie though gave depth to their characters. One important example would be the infamous cyborg nightmare, General Grievous (voiced by Matthew Wood). His low tone of voice and his accent made his lines sound very strange to some people, but I feel there is a reason as to why he spoke that way. We are looking at a character that seems all but invincible. During the fight between Obi-Wan and General Grievous, Kenobi cuts off two of his four robotic hands, which doesn't seem to faze the general at all. And at the end of the fight, how does Obi-Wan destroy Grievous? – By destroying his heart, the only biological thing left of him. What kind of mythological figure does that remind people of? Give up? – Try a vampire, specifically the role of Dracula played by Bela Lugosi. With the accent and the same weakness, Grievous is basically a reincarnation of this famous portrayal of evil, and his lines spoken wouldn't have been as powerful without it.

Another example is Darth Sidious, who speaks to Anikin Skywalker after he defeats Mace Windu. His voice is very deep and exaggerated, almost as though (pardon the cliché) that he has a frog in his throat. Take into consideration that he just fought off one of the most powerful warriors in the galaxy and, despite him shouting "Unlimited Power!" as he electrocuted him, it would've weakened him enough that he had to take several deep breaths to maintain proper balance and control of his own body.

The only acting role that didn't seem first rate, I will give many people credit for saying so, is Anikin Skywalker (played by Hayden Christensen), at first anyway. The way he spoke in Episode II and III gave Anikin a rather laid back sounding personality, which was not how the character was described in the original trilogy. However, the way he spoke indicated that he was struggling with his emotions during traumatic scenes such as the death of Count Dooku, the realization of Darth Sidious, his reunion with Padme Amidala and the events only seconds prior to the long awaited battle. Keeping that in mind, let us not forget that Anikin was brought up like no other Jedi of his time. He knew his mother and even held her in his hands as she died, experienced love, experienced a regular childhood and knew enough to question a millennium-old tradition that turned out to have more cons than pros. Hayden Christensen had the height and physique to pull off the role of Darth Vader before the armor and mask engulfed him. Also, keep in mind that George Lucas's original casting for Anikin Skywalker was Leonardo DiCaprio, and it was solely based on the fact that he looked more like Jake Lloyd, who played Anikin in Episode I. DiCaprio has neither the physique nor height to pull of a role that was already set by David Prowse.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

The 2nd Worse Friday the 13th Ever Made

[1/10 · 23 July 2006]

I've seen my share of bad movies in my life, mostly from being such a big fan of MST3K for so long. But this movie really takes the cake. It is without a doubt the worst Friday the 13th, second only to Part V: A New Beginning. Not even the presence of the (somewhat) well-known Peter Mark Richman and the now-famous Jason himself, Kane Hodder, could make this film make any sense.

The movie is flawed in many ways, one of the biggest of which involves Rennie Wickham's constant visions of Jason Voorhees as a young child. Often times she is touched by these visions and yet Jason is either with her at the time or is near her, which makes someone want to ask "What is going on in this girl's head?". The visions may have been caused by deep psychological trauma suffered from the events of the flashback seen towards the end where she almost drowns and encounters Jason as a young child. But that flashback is a primary example of how flawed this movie is in terms of the continuity of the series. It is determined in Part 2 that Jason did, in fact, not drown as a child but survived and spent the rest of his childhood in the woods, which eventually leads to him being the fully grown undead serial killer the fans have grown to love.

Another major flaw is the ending, in which Jason is drowned in toxic waste. However, seconds before being doused with said chemicals, water shoots out of his mouth almost for no apparent reason. It may have been the intention of the writers to do this to remind the viewers that it would be the second time Jason has drowned in his life, but I highly doubt it. And then the end after Jason is killed, the audience is shown the body of a young boy, which is no doubt Jason Voorhees. This ending would indicate that Jason was always a boy but . . . something, maybe being reborn with a body of swamp algae and barnacles that the toxic waste disintegrated? Highly unlikely once again.

And of course, there is the flaw of Jason's apparent ability to change places at the blink of an eye, in which he is seen in one place for one moment and then seems to move with lightning fast stealth in front of the characters almost like Freddy Krueger. How is it that someone in reality who walks slower than Michael Myers can move so quickly off camera, especially if he never seemed to be this quick in the previous movies? The only time we see Jason take a shortcut to get to his destination faster is towards the end when he's chasing Sean Robertson and Rennie Wickham through the tunnels.

All of these flaws are the faults of the writers, all of whom may need to reconsider their paths and/or hire their own editors.

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Brains vs. Browne

[8/10 · 12 February 2006]

This movie was one of the better horror movies I've seen, despite the fact that it's a sequel to two series that got REALLY old after their fourth sequel. I also thought this movie was rather unique too. Unlike most stories where there is a good and bad guy, this movie was different. There were two bad guys but there was only one villain. Jason was a bad guy, but he was only doing what he thought was his mother's bidding . . . and maybe a bit more than Freddy wanted him to do. I don't know about other people, but I was rooting for Jason the whole time, mainly because Freddy's little dinky finger-knives weren't doing jack s$#% against a hulking mass like Jason Voorhees. Even with other weapons Freddy couldn't hurt him. And when Jason got his hits in, they counted for sure. JASON ALL THE WAY!!!!!!!

The American President (1995)

burning cloth

[9/10 · 12 February 2006]

The American President is one of the best political/economical movies I've seen, alongside Wall Street and Syriana. It's got it's funny moments, true, but I feel that the movie is more of a drama than a comedy. I'm just saying that because I found my copy of the movie in the Comedy section at Best Buy. It also expresses a good message - the symbol of a country can't just a flag. I like that comment because a flag is just a decorated piece of cloth, and no matter how much symbolism we put into it, it's still just a decorated piece of cloth that can become engulfed in flame should a Zippo or match be the catalyst. Show me more people like that on the news and I'll feel better about living in a country that calls itself the "Land of the Free."

Halloween (1978)

No need for blood.

[9/10 · 3 February 2006]

This is probably one of the greatest horror films I have ever seen, especially because it's Old School horror. John Carpenter helps prove a very important point with this movie - you don't need buckets of blood pouring out of people's bodies to make a movie scary. You only saw one or two places where there was blood and even then it was just enough for you to understand the person was dead, which made the movie very suspenseful. This movie was what also helped create all the many different parodies of "The Silent Killer in the Mask" series, like Friday the 13th's 2-10, the Scream trilogy, and countless other examples that weren't even half as good as Halloween.