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Reviews
Haunted (2018)
What on EARTH is the point of this farrago?
It's neither one thing nor another. It parades itself as "true" and yet the sheer preposterousness of the second episode of series 1 will have you immediately reaching for your phone to google the "true story" (save yourself the effort, it's not) behind this gigantic steaming pile of fetid manure.
So, it's not true. Okay, so the bizarrely added fictional element, does that work?
Does it hell. The acting is dreadful and the "oh my god I never know you went through this in your childhood" over-emoting by the "support network" in each episode is utterly laughable. No, worse than that, it's dreadful, in a truly cringe-worthy way.
So we come back to my first point. Just what the hell IS the point of this series? Either tell ghost stories as a fiction, or dramatise REAL true stories. Don't attempt to pass off poorly improvised and spouted by z-list talent with the collective imagination of a pile of bricks as "true".
It insults the viewers and belittles its participants.
I gave it two and half episodes before giving up and going out for a walk to slam my face against a tree - which was a far better use of my time than watching this time-vampire of a series.
It's an utter shambles. Don't waste your time.
TLDR: Avoid. Totally.
Ghostumentary (2015)
"No real ghost hunters do it in the dark"
Full disclosure. I'm a skeptic. But one of my guilty pleasures comes in watching the plethora of patently ridiculous (and obviously faked) night vision "documentaries" of over excited eejits stumbling around in the dark, obsessing about motes of dust as "orbs" and projecting pareidolia onto static-garbling "ghost boxes". It's entertainment, not true paranormal investigation, if such a thing exists. But I get a kick out of snuggling onto the couch and snarfing up popcorn whilst chuckling smugly to myself all the same.
That said, finding compelling viewing of something that isn't just a cookie-cutter version of these programmes is tough nowadays, as there's more than a fair share of utter garbage out there. This, I very nearly skipped over this little gem in the mistaken assumption that it would be just much of the same, or worse, a self-satisfied cursory romp thumbing its nose at the paranormal.
It's not. It's much, much more than that. It's a delightful journey of discovery, in the company of warm, genuine and fun people, whose infectious enthusiasm and refreshing self-deprecation render the viewer charmed and engaged throughout. There're no gratuitous jump-scares. There're no endless rewinds of barely comprehensible nanosecond long "words" from the spirit world
Yes, there's a good degree of tongue-in-cheekery. But what you get to see is how four different people each make a personal journey of discovery, some perhaps more significant than others. And it's all done with honesty. However, quite specifically because it's not sensationalised, the footsteps and whisper sequence in San Leandro station is all the more compelling, because of the genuine nature of the participants reactions. It renders them as very relatable and genuine, and us as viewers with a definite frisson of ghost-hunting delight.
I remain a skeptic. But I heartily recommend this immensely likeable documentary to both believer and skeptic alike. Enjoy!
Alien Warfare (2019)
Somebody has some serious dirt on somebody somewhere at Netflix...
Because that's the only way this utter waste of time got the funding and space on the Netflix roster. It takes a lot for me to give up on a film. I try to look for the positives, and I went into it knowing it was going to be cheesy, C-list stuff. But 38:47 was my limit. My "screw this I'm done" moment.
What I did not anticipate was the need to add letters after Z to the alphabet in order to have a list-ranking low enough for this film.
Just don't. Seriously, you'd be better off watching paint dry. At least with that there's a semblance of a plot. The only positive thing about watching this film is the choice to stop watching it. I did it so you don't have to.
Avoid.
Frontier (2016)
Evan Jonigkeit's nauseatingly pathetic attempt at a cockney accent is reason alone not to watch this...
...let alone his cringeworthy overacting.
His fellow actors all deserve Oscars for their ability to keep a straight face around his increasingly ridiculous pantomime mugging. I made it 17 minutes and 9 seconds into episode 4 before giving up entirely on the series. I'm not sure what dirt Jonigkeit has on the producers, but it can be the only reason he made it within shouting distance of the set.
Never have I literally ached for a character to be killed off quite as much as Jonigkeit's mockney-pantomime-villain Captain Chesterfield. Pitiable acting, and a laughably awful accent.
Unless you have a dire need to throw things at your TV, avoid this series. Seriously. It's so painful to watch and hear it made my eyes bleed.