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Humuhumunukunukuapaa
I used to post reviews under the handle "jet66." Then I forgot my IMDB password.
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Intersect (2020)
I wish I had a nickel for every time machine movie that failed
Vaguely Lovecraftian in the final 20 minutes, this tedious, Sci-Fi Memento-meets-The-Goonies plot salad would be a numbing collage of scenes, if not for the excellent performances and photography. On the plus side, this randomly paced film is a great piece of background noise and motion for those studying for a Latin mid-term, or doing laundry. Don't worry about ducking out on a 20-minute love scene where the protagonist tentatively holds his lifelong friend's hand. With glacial pacing, their hands will meet. Likewise, the school bullies do school bully things. It would be a good idea to jot down the first 10 minutes of plot, since they'll have some explicatory relationship with the last. Or maybe they don't? Who knows?
A Ghost Story (2017)
Eternal Damnation Is Watching This Movie
If you regret never seeing Andy Warhol's "Sleep," a five-hour loop of an unconscious man, then this is the movie for you.
Casey Affleck nominally stars in this extraordinarily tedious series of set pieces. Clearly, the producers couldn't afford the star's day-rate, so most of the movie features a manikin draped with a sheet. Or at least I think it's a manikin. It doesn't move. Nor, for that matter, does anything else. The whole movie seems to be a still photographer's first stab at movies, with never-ending shots of nicely lit still life scenes, with no emotional resonance. The movie only becomes interesting 3/4 in, when at least the camera starts moving. Then we finally get the majority of the film-makers' words: an endless bloviation by a cynical hipster about something that the writer pulled from a college journal.
In the end, the movie's message is that ghosts are petulant twerps, haunting is a monotonous chore, and time never ends. Thankfully, this movie does.
Halloween (2018)
Ridiculous, Casual Mayhem
I'm a huge fan of the brooding atmosphere and slowly building tension of Carpenter's 1978 original. Unlike the 1978 predecessor, or Halloween II, this sequel is never scary. In fact, it's abundantly preposterous.
The unintentionally hilarious tone is set right at the start with an opening scene pitting Michael Meyers against British true crime podcasters. That pop culture figures wield such journalistic authority is the perfect setup for a scene that left me belly laughing uncontrollably. Sadly, the film makers' intentions were entirely serious. Their attempts at deliberate humor are stunningly lame.
Despite a ridiculous script, the cast are almost uniformly excellent, and it's a crime they should have to work so hard to validate some truly awful dialogue. Likewise the cinematography, editing and, of course, Carpenter's soundtrack are genuinely gorgeous. Sadly, they can't do much to uplift an overly long slasher film.
In the end, we have a retcon vision of The Shape slicing his way through Haddonfield like an all-you-can-kill buffet, to face off against a Laurie Strode who's spent the last 40 years Sarah Connor Finishing School. After stumbling past absurd plot holes and lapses in logic, the climax will leave you with the same satisfaction you get from a meal of empty calories.
Residue (2017)
Really Fun and Weird
A refreshingly original horror noir detective movie, Residue mingles familiar elements with occasional laughs in a hallucinogenic, near-future crimescape. Tender moments between loved ones balance increasingly random violence in a non-linear story about a mysterious book and the psychosis ensnaring those who read it. Though an annoying voice-over sometimes works against the movie, the exposition isn't a killjoy. In fact, the ending leaves a lot unexplained. But who cares? It's an entertaining trip getting there.
Nightworld (2017)
Moody, But Pointless
If you like plot holes, logical contradictions, and meandering scenes that serve no purpose, then this movie may be for you. The director certainly builds a dreary atmosphere, while trying to drum up some initial suspense. But the only real mystery here is why Brett would take a job as a security guard for a couple of creepy guys who won't tell him anything about their business. Oh, and also, who keeps an eye on things when the Brett is off-duty?