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I will attempt to give a short sh*t review for every movie I watch from this point.
My favourite genre is Sci-Fi Horror, preferably around 1985 - 1995.
My ratings go as such:
10 - Reserved for the absolute best of the best.
9 - Watch it
5 - Take it or leave it
1 - Don't watch it
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
I Am Jane Doe (2017)
"I thought I would hear their stories".
This is one ugly documentary. I don't mean ugly for the production value. In terms of visual quality, the documentary is actually quite pleasant. It has relatable images and videos, to tie in to the narration, it has interviews with relevant people, and so on. Where I find this documentary ugly is in the writing. It is called "I am Jane Doe", but it should really be called "The War on Backpage". I went into the documentary under the false description of it being about girls who were sex trafficked. I thought I would hear their stories, their traumas, their pain, their bravery... Thats not what I got at all. What I got was a very, VERY brief summary of 2 girls being lured into the sex trafficking world, but now they're out. Their tale of events were brushed over very quickly, and I don't feel like they were given their spotlight as well as they should have. They seemed to just be ammo for this documentary to fire at Backpage.com
Aside from the aim of the documentary, or what its real purpose is, there is something that seems very fishy about all of the people interviewed. Firstly, there isn't a single person in the documentary who has a normal name. Secondly, the 2 girls who were sex trafficked wouldn't give their name, but were perfectly comfortable giving extremely brief on screen interviews, showing their faces, and also part taking in photo shoots for the doco, giving pouty, and sassy looks, as if they were trying to sell urban clothing. I felt like most of what was shown in the doco was shown for shock value alone. Pictures of questionable images, with things blurred out, but still making it obvious what the context of the picture was. The whole weird video shoot with the kids playing in the snow, to portray innocence. Videos of news reports that were obviously ripped right off YouTube. It all makes me kind've skeptical whether everything you see is genuine. Some things seemed a bit too suspect, and somehow seemed as though clickbait culture, and flashy headlines have now made it into "documenting media".
I'm not downplaying the context at all. The subject of sex trafficking is something that needs to be fixed, but this documentary does not do that. What it does do, is shows you how anyone these days can throw a bunch of clips, and ideas together and call it a documentary. Even an Olympic Athlete, and Lawyer, such as in this documentary.
Hellraiser (1987)
"A concept with no story".
This is a movie that I don't have much to say about. Its bland, the acting is terrible, the special effects make up, and CGI are sub-par, there is no story whatsoever, the film style is ugly, and the characters are annoying. I have heard people say "give it a break, it was 1987", to which I say Star Wars was made in 1977, Alien was made in 1979, The Fly was made in 1986, all of which are miles ahead of Hellraiser in every aspect. This is just an example of a visual artist basing an entire movie around something that would've simply worked as a painting, and in my opinion, that is all this film is. One long painting. A concept with no story. The people who idolise this movie do not idolise it as a movie. They idolise the imagery, which is why they collect models, and posters of Pinhead and the Chatterer, because they enjoy the imagery. No one ever said "I love the story in Hellraiser", and no one ever will.
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
"...some damn creepy dudes".
The movie that doesn't age. OK, that might not be true, it has aged. Especially the acting. What I like about it though is the simplicity, that lends to an everlasting life. If it had been a gore film, it would've aged a lot faster, because special effects make up of the time was not good.
I like how the movie starts really quickly. You're thrown right into the narrative with news coverage, and there is no messing around when it finally comes to seeing the characters for the first time.
The 3 and a half antagonists are some damn creepy dudes, each in their own way. I think though, none of the characters are more scary than the grandfather. I know Leatherface is supposed to be this all menacing beast, but those ballerina dance moves he does at the end with his chainsaw, really kill his scariness, because it gives him a life outside of killing. It leaves me wondering, "what does he do in his spare time?". The creepiest part of the entire movie for me is the finger suck. When that old grandfather sucks her finger, and you finally realise hes not dead, he just looks f*cked, its a massive shudder moment.
The soundscape is this movies biggest winner, and also its biggest flaw. The movie is scary, if just for the ambient tones and stingers alone. A good, dark ambient sound helps set the mood for how you should be feeling. There have been tests done, where playing videogames/watching movies on mute can drastically change the scare factor, compared to with sound. Sound sparks your imagination, because you don't know whats coming, you just know that something is coming. The most scary thing a film maker can ever do, is play with your imagination, because there is nothing more frightening to you than your own imagination. On the other hand, there are a lot of mistakes in the sound. Most notably is the chase scene, following the death of Franklin. When Leatherface is chasing the main girl to the house, and then inside the house, her screams seem to cut and chop all over the place. Its evident that the sound you're hearing, is the sound of that footage. So when they record multiple angles, they use the audio from their respective shot, rather than just using either the audio from one shot, or just an over dubbed scream. Some dialogue scenes also show this, such as when the first person enters the house. He is yelling "Hello?", and on one camera cut, the end of one of his "hello"s gets cut off. But for 1974, you absolutely cannot fault the movie based on that.
All around, this movie does well to make you feel like you just need to take a shower afterwards. Its creepy, its loud, its scary, but most importantly, its memorable.
Event Horizon (1997)
"...this movie needs a damn sequel"
This movie is the red diamond in a sea of white diamonds. It is beautiful. The sets, the cinematography, the story, the acting, and especially, the art style. I know this movie has so many ties and influences by other movies, such as Hellraiser, The Shining, The Amittyville Horror and more, but they have been combined and utilised perfectly.
Laurence Fishburne and Sam Neill are cast so well, and the way Sam's character progresses is so haunting. I love the way Laurence never cracks a smile in the whole movie, and is always the voice of wrath. It makes it that much better that he deals with the voice of chaos, that is Sam Neill. The scene between them, when Weir is explaining to Miller about how Hell is just a word is possibly my favourite scene, and leaves it wide open to the possibility of these two becoming arch enemies in future movies. Because, lets face it, this movie needs a damn sequel.
I'm really annoyed to hear that this movie was cut short in its release. From the sounds of it, the movie could've been even better than what we know it as, had Paul Anderson got his way with the final cut. Either way, I'm happy with this version, and I definitely want to see Laurence Fishburne and Sam Neill reprise their roles in a sequel.
La La Land (2016)
"...a huge feat in filming".
I hated The Sound of Music. I hated Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I hate Mary Poppins. I hated all of the music films from that era. Somehow, in 2016, that format has finally been done right. This movie is great. The whole thing plays out like a stage performance. The colours, the lights, the dancing, the acting. But the thing that ties it all together, and makes it really shine as a stage show is the cinematography. I love the long movement shots, where its obvious that everyone had to be on point for their part. Even just the opening song is a huge feat in filming. The stunts, the dancing, the singing, and then both Emma Stone and Ryan Goslings separate acting parts. The opening scene sets up the entire movie.
The story... I don't have too much to say about it. Its just a story. Its a polished, easy to swallow love story. There's nothing special about it, and thats the only thing in my eyes that could be a let down, but for what the movie is, it works for it. Would the story make me watch it again? No, but the production might.
My favourite part of the whole movie is the stage show recap, while Ryan's character plays "the song". Its confusing throughout the whole thing. I said "she turned their story into a stage show... oh, no its a recap... oh, Ryan is the girls Dad... oh, no its Ryan's version of how it should have gone". I was so confused, but when he finally finished the song, I was spent.
I would watch more movies like this, if only for the production. I hope maybe some day, someone makes one of these films with an edgy story. I want to see heroin, not Coke.
The Running Man (1987)
"...this movie is a live action 80s video game".
I have always loved this movie, but I'm not sure why. Firstly, this movie is ugly as hell. The entire movie is obviously shot on a sound stage, and poorly. The detail that went into set design is very lack lustre. Even as a kid, I knew this movie was ugly, and I always chalked it up to the fact it was 1987. But now that I'm older, and have taken the time to watch a lot of 80s movies, I now see that the late 80s was a very advanced time for movies. Even 1980's Blade Runner was beautifully detailed, and shot.
The constant colour tone of this movie is so droning. If you could hear the colour, it would sound like a collection of low frequencies, eating away at your sanity. The lights and colours seem to overshadow the poor detail of the sets, so I wonder if thats why they went with bold lights. But at the same time as doing that, it masked whats actually happening in the movie. You can't see most of the battle scenes, because you have such an overbearing amount of red, or blue, or whatever colour "works" with which arena.
I get the feeling this movie was severely edited for rating. There are certain parts where things seem to rush, and its not justified. One part in particular is the attempted rape scene, by Dynamo. Amber gets knocked on the ground, and all of a sudden Dynamo has his pants off. There are other parts in the movie like this, which make me wonder whether there is a harder rated directors cut somewhere.
Story? What story? I know this movie has a "story", but its all just set up basically. In my opinion, this movie is a live action 80s video game. Because videogames of this time were exactly the same. They had stories, but they were all just for set up. The gameplay carried the games, and the stories were just for your imagination. It works for this movie though, somehow. The gameplay keeps you entertained, and the story doesn't matter. Something that I thought fell short, even in the gameplay side of it though, was the final boss. I think Arnie could've killed Killian a lot better.
All in all, this movie is great. Maybe for nostalgic reasons, maybe because I like bad movies, but for some reason, I like it.
Gone Baby Gone (2007)
"It just plays out like a short series of a TV show".
This movie is a good example of how a book can work poorly as a movie. Books don't work the same as movies. They're broken up into segments, and have multiple semi- climax points throughout, to keep the reader hooked in each chapter. To adapt a book to a movie, you kind've have to rewrite it, to make it flow better. I don't feel like this movie achieved that. It just plays out like a short series of a TV show. The way the main Casey Affleck's character moves from one case to another mid movie just stalls the progression of the story, and the little boy in the bath sequence didn't make any sense to be in the movie. I think it would've worked better if they stuck with the Amanda case the whole way through the movie, instead of going back and forward. It just made it confusing, and not interesting enough to try and work out.
Visually, this movie is nothing special. Similar to the story, its shot like an episode of CSI. There's nothing theatrical about this movie. No great sound design, no great cinematography, no real stunt work. It just seems like it was filmed quickly, cheaply, and executed poorly.
I will admit, in the end when the story finally comes together, it all makes sense, but by that point, it was just like "yea, fine... it was him the whole time... next movie".
Blade Runner (1982)
"Harrison Ford rapes a robot, and it falls in love with him".
I'm in 2 minds about this movie. Firstly, it is visually stunning. The detail, the grit, the imagination of this film are all brilliant. I watched this movie for the first time in 2017, and watching it through modern eyes, I can say that the visual image of this movie has not aged. It still looks like a movie that could've been made today.
I love the universe. I think its a great setting for some great story telling, and there could be so many more stories told in this universe. The context of the movie is great. A lawman, who hunts robots who looks like humans. I think this movie could've quite possibly influenced one of my all time favourite movies, The Terminator.
The problem I have with this movie though, is in the story-telling. As great and imaginative as the universe and the context are, it was just a poorly written story. I get that it was 1982, and the version I watched was the Directors Cut, not the theatrical release, but even the 70s had well told stories. The movie started out strong, with Harrison being given a mission, and explaining how the test works. But about 25 minutes into the movie, it just gets really boring, and doesn't really pick up again until the last 25 minutes. Sure, there are some moments in the movie that make you sit up and pay attention again, like that weird guy who makes his "friends", and the part where Harrison Ford rapes a robot, and it falls in love with him, while looking oddly like he just drown, then came back life, with his blue lips and a wincing looking on his face.
Over all, I don't think its a bad movie, it just has a boring story. I could watch it again, and maybe next time I'll watch the theatrical release, to see if some of the bullsh*t is cut out. I'm now looking forward to the remake, and hope it stays true to this universe, just with a better story.
Raw Deal (1986)
"He just snapped."
This movie started out great. An awesome stunt scene, and some great Arnie acting. I liked the husband and wife dynamic in the beginning too. I think thats something you don't regularly get in an Arnie movie.
The problem is, once Arnold starts making his way into his mission, the story gets really boring. Sure there are some good moments in the story, and there is some great stunt work, and explosions, but I didn't relate to Arnie's character, once he started to turn heel.
The bit that really perplexed me was to fix the gangster problem they're having, Arnie just kills them all, instead of gathering evidence and arresting the big guys. I love a good nonsensical action movie, where killing a bunch of guys trumps reason, but these guys didn't do anything to Arnie. He just snapped. They didn't hurt his wife, they didn't threaten him in any way, he just snapped. Only then did they realise he was a "good guy".
I think it could have been a good movie, and for the stunt work alone, its worth a watch, but over all, it was kind've a sh*tty movie.
I Don't Feel at Home in This World Anymore. (2017)
"I am now a bonified fan of Macon Blair".
I'm loving this dark comedy style that seems to be surrounding Macon Blair. Blue Ruin, Green Room, and now I Don't Feel at Home in this World Anymore. The writing and acting makes everything seem very realistic. The acting is all subtle, the characters are not exaggerated, and there are moments where you feel like the writing is sticking to what would really happen, rather than what would make for a Hollywood ending. I am now a bonified fan of Macon Blair, and I'm keen to see what else he does. I hope he sticks to this dark style, whether its writing, or acting. I am a fan.
13 Reasons Why (2017)
"The story could have been told better."
Right off the bat, the thing that stood out to me with this show was the poor acting. They say that poor actors tend to over act, and thats exactly what you get from this show.
The story could have been told better. It had its moments, and the overall moral of the story is good, but I feel like a lot of it was not realistic. An example would be the fact that certain characters would only act a certain way, relative to where Clay was up to in the tapes. One episode someone is fine, and then the next episode they're broken because they have some psychic ability to know that someone is listening to their tape.
The biggest problem I had with the whole show was in the final episode. When Hannah is sitting in the spa pool, and looks up, to see a star filled sky. Firstly, she is sitting in a spa pool, surrounded by lights. The chance of you seeing stars that clearly are near impossible. Secondly, its filmed in California, one of the most heavily light polluted cities in the world. This sky was desert clear. Just unrealistic.
One good thing I will say about the show though, is the fact that it didn't ambiguously shoot the suicide scene. You could clearly see the razor going through her flesh. It showed that suicide is hard, and hopefully puts anyone off thinking about doing it.
Green Room (2015)
"...sense of panic you can wipe from your brow".
Another awesome movie by Jeremy Saulnier. This thing has true grit that you can feel in your teeth, and a true sense of panic you can wipe from your brow. Its beautifully shot and edited.
As a fan of gore, and violence, I am happy to see someone who understands physics, and realism when it comes to wounds, and reactions. When someone gets shot in the head, the physics aren't exaggerated. Its funny. I had a friend who I argued with over bullet physics once. He believed that if you were walking forward, and someone shot you in the stomach with a 9mm pistol, you would be blown backwards. I couldn't get it through his head that you would just continue the way you were moving, and fall forward. The problem was that he had been brainwashed by false movie physics his entire life. Jeremy Saulnier seems to get it.
I love the little twists and upsets that Jeremy Saulnier puts into his movies. It just makes the script that much more interesting, and stalls the story from flowing too fast.
The Fly (1986)
"...crowning jewel of 80s Sci-Fi horror"
To me, The Fly is the crowning jewel of 80s Sci-Fi horror. The animatronics, the special effects make-up, the acting, the story... It all makes for a great movie. From start to finish, this movie is a masterpiece.
What I loved about the movie right off the bat was that it did not mess around. The movie starts in the middle of a conversation between the 2 main characters, and Brundle is explaining exactly what the movie is about. From then on the story just flows brilliantly, with no dilly-dallying. There's no mystery, there's no ambiguity, its just a story about an inventor and his machine.
The artistry that went into the make-up, and the Brundle-Fly possibly make this movie stand out as the most realistic looking 80s horror. The Fly didn't need to be shadowed, or ambiguously shot, to hide any flaws.
Jeff Goldblum's acting is creepy, and suits the character so well. You really got a feeling of discomfort for Gina Davis's character.
One scene that really caught me by surprise was the baboon and the fly. It really baffles me how they were able to film a fly and a baboon together in the same shot, and seem as though they could direct them both with ease.
Blue Ruin (2013)
"...easy to sink into".
What a great film. From start to finish, I was hooked. It may be a slow burner, but man that slow burn was hot. I loved the fact that the entire movie had about 3 noises in it. This thing was quiet, but that made it so much more realistic, and easy to sink into. The photography and cinematography in this movie were brilliant. Not a single frame seemed like a throw away. As far as the story goes, this thing was brilliantly written. The main plot-line is great, and all the little twists along the way make the story pop. The thing I really liked about the writing though were the subtle details that kept the story from flowing too fast. All the little hic-ups that Dwight seemed to run into along the way make for great writing. Will definitely recommend, and definitely watch again.
Xtro (1982)
"...hooked as soon as I pushed play".
This movie is as bad as it gets in 80s sci-fi horror, and that is exactly why I liked it. The acting is terrible, the story is bland, the characters are lame, and the special effects are cheesy. These are all what make this movie great. Because even though these points all shine through, its still a watchable movie. I was hooked as soon as I pushed play. Even my girlfriend laughed the whole way through, and she hates Sci-Fi, let alone 80s movies. The big redeeming quality though is the artistry. The alien in the beginning, the cacoon in the bathroom, etc. Just great.
The Fog (1980)
"...it just wasn't that interesting".
This movie was a bit of a miss for me. I am a fan of the genre, and I understand the special effects were very good for its time, but as far as a story, it just wasn't that interesting. There are things about this movie that I really liked, such as the real shots of fog/smoke, and the life it seemed to have, knowing that it would've either been a pain or a pleasure to film those shots. I also liked the radio DJ character. I think she was cast well, and her character played well in the story. I didn't like Jamie Lee Curtis' character though. I felt the entire movie, like the guy just wanted her to get lost. She was so keen to tag along with him everywhere he went, and he kept hinting that he was doing it alone. Maybe that was a draw into the characters, I don't know, but I found her annoying. The Pirates were boring, and I felt like they could've been more menacing. If we actually got to see the pirates more, and saw them interact with the characters more, it would've made for a better slasher. I understand slashers were not a thing at the time, but that doesn't mean hindsight can't have an opinion. The worst angle to this entire movie was the church. Every time it went back to the church, I completely lost interest. I don't know whether it was the priest character, the fact that they were trying find some way to tie in the pirates to something tangible, or the fact that the set in the church looked like something out of a Goosebumps episode. Whatever the case, the church was the coldest element in a cold movie. I would watch this movie again, but I would have to be in the mood for it.
The Dead Zone (1983)
"...could have been written better".
I had a few problems with this movie from the beginning. I didn't think Christopher Walken was a great choice for the role. He doesn't emote all that well, and his weird delivery doesn't play well in a dramatic role. I think the movie could have been written better. If the character had stuck with the "hunt for the serial killer" aspect, for the entire movie, it would've been more compelling, and would probably have made the movie a classic. What we got though were three separate cases, which don't really lend themselves to each other. No case Walken's character works on seems to segway another. By the time we get to the end of the film, it feel as though it could have been a better climax. The story arches in the wrong places, the character doesn't progress very well, and you kind've get sick of trying to watch Christopher Walken fake a really bad limp. I also had to yell at him when in the end he stood up to shoot the rifle. He had a perfect shot while he was knelt down, why would he stand up? That all being said, I did enjoy it for its simplicity and mystery. The light sprinkling of violence throughout the movie kept me going too.
Braindead (1992)
"...goriest movie I've ever watched"
Being a kiwi myself, I have never appreciated New Zealand movies. There have been a very small handful of movies I actually enjoyed, but mostly, the writing is terrible, and the acting is even worse. Dead Alive, or Braindead though. Holy sh*t. I put off watching this movie for so many years. I don't know whether its because I don't generally enjoy kiwi movies, or because I didn't think I could give it the watch it deserves, but now that I have seen it, I think it is maybe the best movie New Zealand has produced. As a gore fan, I rarely see a movie that makes me uneasy. Sure, a lot of the movies in the 80s were pretty gory, but nothing like Dead Alive. This was an absolute gore-fest, and probably the goriest movie I've ever watched. Aside from that though, the actors, the writing, and the photography are all brilliant. Will definitely watch again, and will definitely recommend.
Love Liza (2002)
"...a near on masterpiece"
I once saw Love Liza in 2003. At the time I wasn't overly interested in movies. I was young, and had bigger things on my mind. But for some reason Love Liza struck a chord with me. Maybe because I was kind've going through a hard time myself, or maybe because I had been surrounded by people affected by depression. One thing I know though, is that I never forgot that I enjoyed it. Now, 14 years later, I have finally watched it again, at a time where I love movies. I love poking holes in movies, and seeing how they're paced, the cinematography, the acting, the writing, everything. Now that I know everything I know, I can say that Love Liza is a near on masterpiece, and a massively intelligent insight into the life of one person suffering depression. I love the way it burns slowly in the beginning, and then becomes this uneasy machine throughout. Its a perfect example of a movie which needs nothing but its story. No stunts, no special effects, nothing fancy, just great writing, and an even greater actor. This is a movie I will comfortably watch once every 10 years, to see how I can relate to it in every stage of my life.